Wow... what an update!

Sooo,... Things are moving but they are CRAZY!!! Let's start with Whoa and I... still going and these past few weeks have been a challenge.... ever since I got my puppy Halo I just have not felt so needy.... but it made me think about my life.... and what I deserve and what I am willing to put up with... I call this.. "the BIG evaluation" lol... We got into it after Mz Kay's Bday party and I was ready to QUIT... for real... I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore... I think he sensed that because he asked me to go to therapy with him... I was THROWN! I never heard of a guy WANTING that... but then I think he didn't expect me to be willing.. I made the plans though and this week Friday morning at 9 we have our first session! This should be good! Either way this goes, At least I will have some answers finally.... I told him to start thinking about how he feels about everything.... The funny thing is that now he is calling me just to tell me he loves me (which he was doing but not so much of before) and he is planning a trip for us at the end of this month! I have been begging him to go out of town with me and gave up when he stood me up the last time... so it will be nice if he actually mean s it this time.

As for the film... I have been doing so much for the production and finally got into it with one of the guys I work with because he thinks he knows everything.. He is older (like 45) and all he does is TALK about things... I see no action.. but that's not how I work. Less talk and more action. I want to see what you're about- not hear it! Any way the producers called me and apologized on his behalf for how he spoke to me. But I feel good cuz I put his ass in check and walked out! He needs to know I won't put up with it. I'm not here to stroke his ego! Anyway they told me to focus on my character so I'm happy! I have been running and getting in shape... I'm looking good and I have another week until I start my fight scenes so time to buckle down!

And I am going to do extra work on "burn notice" in a few weeks so I'm excited for that!

Halo has been driving me NUTS! I love her to death already but she is only 16 weeks barely and training her right now is hard... I'm working thru it with her though. She is getting better with time... So we shall see. I want to get her shaved tho because I feel bad when I take her out... she is so cute but she gets over heated quick down here.... Soon!

Hammer hit me up! He actually called to talk for a while... and we have ALWAYS talked for long periods... but always on IM or email... never really on the phone... He was never a phone guy but we are really good friends.. Anyway when he did call he just was so happy and wanted to chat and then said how great it was to talk and that next day he said he had a dream that we.... well,.... he said his dream was about how much fun we used to have and how we had done it all again... I was floored.... I don't know what to think about that. But I just wanted to put that out there. Thoughts...

I just had to take a deep breath! I needed a drink and a nice candle lit bath... I wanted to sink deeper and deeper into the bubbles and just forget everything... But then how could I? I mean there is still so much positive to think about. For one thing, I have now found out that I will be done with school by next summer! I mean I am so happy... It took me a little longer then I would have hoped because I took time off but I beat the odds... I went back and I finished! Well,.... almost. And then there is the move.. I can't wait... Not because I am unhappy here but I just want to start over... and a fresh beginning is just what the doctor ordered.

And then there is the puppy... Halo is well and I am so glad I got her.. I am still trying to catch my breath but for the most part there is not much room for second thoughts here. And for that and her I am grateful. I have decided to stop banking at BA so much because I don't like ppl being able to see what I do and where I go and I know they are looking... perhaps not often... but still.. once is too often for me and my taste!

O but then there is still so much going on with Whoa... And My head is spinning... I think when I move I will be able to take a good look at my everything and see where that leaves me...

It was a baby or a puppy! lol

So I have my heart set on a puppy.... but not just ANY puppy.... a "tea cup chihuahua" and I have done my research! I even picked out health plans and shopped around to find out that I need heating pads and a tiny bell for him/her.... I am watching all my friends have babies.. and I know it's not the right time or situation for me to go down that road.... But I can take my puppy with me wherever I go. I can get carrying purses and he/she will only weight 2 or 3 lbs when fully grown. With all that I do.... having this puppy has become a focus for me and I can't seem to shake the feeling that I REALLY want this. I have thought for a long time and I am meeting a few puppies tomorrow.... I hope to find a puppy that matches what I am looking for in the next couple weeks.
I am so excited! I know all the health precautions, have gotten numbers for emergencies and the stores for clothes,.... I have read articles on this breed and what ppl have had to say about it. I am so in love with this puppy... goodness! But then... Looking at this face... how could anyone NOT?

Lead in my first movie!!

I'm so excited! I can't believe that I was recently cast for my first movie... and I got the 2nd lead! Thats crazy! Common, Sean Paul, and spragga benz Are just a few on the roster and I am so honored to be with them! The official shoot day starts for me on May 23rd... And in a week we start rehaersals! I feel so blessed for everything coming my way. I hope this is my break and I am able to find larger roles. I had no idea this was such a passion of mine but it just comes out so naturally... I guess because I am such an emotional person already..... Who knows.... All I do know is that I want to be the next halley berry or angelina jolie! I don't care how I have to do it... but I want my face out there and I want this as a career opportunity! .... SIGH..... I am praying on this and for direction. I think I can really nail this role!

confused in questions?

So... I am sitting here in the studio with just myself and my thoughts. And to be very honest that is just the way I like to be.... I work best that way... I think best that way.... and Lord knows I have had a lot on my mind for the last few weeks.... much less the last year. It seems as though I am always doing first and then evaluating things later... I feel like I might miss out if I do as others do and spend my whole life pondering the possibilities as they pass me by... But the flip side of that might not be much better for me... I seem to find myself with a lot of regrets this way. Always wishing I had acted differently to a situation and perhaps I could have gotten a better reaction from someone... I do this thing... I ask questions. BOLD questions. And I never was this way. I used to think a lot and wonder a lot but I never asked for fear of what the reply might be. Living like that did not prevent me from having to deal with it anyway... It merely delayed to time.... which draws out the healing time. I ask Whoa what comes to mind because he gets so defensive... and part of me hopes that "next time" he will fall apart and confess what it is that he is so bothered by but that does not seem to work. At times I must say that I can no longer tell if it is in fact him that is not being honest or if I just don't trust anyone anymore... But then... I can't stop the questions from coming and so I must continue to ask... no matter how bothered... it is not like I nag.... I simply ask like a regular conversation.... what's the big frickin deal???? can someone please tell me WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT A DAMN QUESTION?????

Tat Tat Tat it up! "Love"

So,.... Today I got a new Tat! It is the word "Love" on the side of my left hand ring finger....

It is very simple and in script.... I am a hopeless romantic as we all know and I am in Love with Love.... so what better way to say that? I love my new tat and I am so proud of me! I waited till I knew and I never questioned if this was what I wanted...... my brother and Whoa are the only ones who know right now... I did go with BnA.... so I wasn't alone....

vday dis- ASS-ter

Sorry, it has been a min but so much has happened... V-day didn't go well for me AT ALL! Whoa actually stood me up.... and although his excuse was there... it was just an excuse to me... He actually woke me up on Vday to tell me he planned the whole evening for me.. he did have a show but he was gonna bring me and then we would spend the night together.... His plan was to sing for me... Since we has been on rocks for some time I was looking forward to it and I was very impressed by his efforts... He wound up having me wait around to not do anything... instead of sitting at home sad I decided to hit the club with some friends... I had a few too many drinks and danced like a damn fool... mostly because I was hurt... but whatever... a friend of mine asked me to sleep in MIA at their place but I know how much he likes me and that he would take advantage of me for sure so I left... I was definitely HURT by Whoa but not so much that I was willing to go against my morals and CHEAT.....

The next morning I was glad I had gone home because whoa sure did show up at my house to wake me up... he wanted to talk and apologize.... I honestly had no words... I doubted everything he had to say and I really had no words.... So I just listened.... i think he saw how i felt... for the first time i think that morning he might have had a glimpse of how i felt and he poured out his heart... how i was the one and how he doesn't want to keep hurting me... how he is gonna do better and this was not just words... to please let him show me he is serious... and after all that... all i could do was sigh....

The next weekend he recreated vday or me and surprised me like no other... i got a gift bag and card with my favorite candies and a teddy bear. And I was happy... he took me out and spent time with me... The fact is... that's all I really wanted... sad that it took so much for him to see.. but since then he has done well,... He taes me out and pays for everything... We spend quality time just talking and reconnecting.

We are getting to the one and a half year point soon enough.... and i am excited to make it that far... we have come a very long way.... i know relationships are not always cake and ice cream... and i also understand they shouldn't be all work and no play... i just want balance.... more than that... I want the good to outweight the bad... always!

Break up to make up..... psh!

So.... Whoa and I are still together! And to be very honest I feel like we are making a lot of progress... but in some ways I am a tad bit sad with how he deals with things....

I love holidays!!!! They are so important to me because I have not been able to have a good one EVER.... I usually do have a bf but they always find reasons not to be the "good" bf and act right and I spend it sad or alone.... or BOTH! I was just so sick of being understanding about everything... we got into it this week because of him going out of town on vday- to be very honest it wasn't even just that... it was about me wanting him to do something sweet for me just because.... I run him both bubble baths and give him back rubs, I cook for him and buy him cute lil things when I'm out just because... I do so many thoughtful things for him but he doesn't seem to do the same for me. I don't need to date a guy who acts all emotional like a chick but I do want a guy who puts me first at least some of the time. And he is spending A LOT of time with me but shit- pick a damn flower or make me a card... I'm not expensive but I do require some thought!

So I spent all day crying... I had a break down and we went for a walk.... sat by the lake and talked... more or less he was listening to me vent about all the things on my mind.... and when I was still crying 7 hours later I felt it was time to make a choice... When I brought it up all he said was "I do love you, I do want to be with you, But i just need time to think...." I thought we were gonna break up and the tears wouldn't stop- now, I wasn't boohooing all day but I couldn't get the tears to stop running down my face... I was a little disappointed that he could watch me cry and not do anything and when I wanted to bust he finally couldn't take it anymore... he grabbed me and started hugging me and I just broke down....... the sobbing began.. I was just so tired and frustrated... Just when I thought he didn't get it.... he whispered in my ear "baby, why are you crying, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere!"

I have put so much into these relationships... and I realize every relationship will have it's issues.... But I view relationships like marriage... U can't just walk when things get hard! I need someone who will compromise and work things out! He spent the night.... After we showered he just stared at me while we listened to slow jams.... Then he held me till we fell asleep... The next morning I was so out of it.... My face looked like I got beaten up cuz my eyes were so swollen..... he had me at the studio with him all day (I wore glasses) and he's been making sure to come see me as much as possible.

I appreciate that he is giving me more time.... He had a photoshoot for the front page of the news paper (yay for my baby!) and asked me to come along.... I got to play "stylist" that day and it's those little moments I care about.... I'm just waiting to see what he does for me for v-day.... I keep trying to say... I'd appreciate doing something fun or getting something he MAKES me over a purchased gift..... anyone can buy me something.... put a lil thought in my gifts.... do something sweet......

He has a lot of shows and stuff at clubs... I make it my mission to stay away from those places so that I don't have to deal with his groupies.... Plus when I go to these places with him or if he sees me, he spends his whole time checking on me or wanting to be by me... I always try to do my own thing but he ALWAYS leaves his table to be with me or he calls me over to stay with him... I love that! but I know it's important for him to keep his focus..... So I'm out and he's out and most night's he comes to my place after.... I like that..... I know what it's like to work in those environments.... modeling means I have to network and socialize too.... but I still go home to my boo.... and I don't give these lames a CHANCE to come between us... I just hope he is doing the same...

Work out and My lil Secret...

Ok so.... I have always wanted a 6 pack.... these days I have strayed from what I want physically because I have been so busy... so to get a lil boost I have decided to take a pill..... I will keep this journal-ized so that I can have my own testimonial.... So.... I have had the pill twice today... two doses with water (2 pills at a time) and I ATE!!!! so no worries! I actually did some cardio today as well,.... I feel good about it but more than anything I can't wait until tomorrow to see how I feel....

I did all my research on this one and it seems fine as long as you take the amount you are told and follow the rest of the directions.... My goal is to look SUPER hot for V-day but more than that.... I want to wear a thong bikini this summer and that's not gonna go down unless I feel really good about EVERYTHING!!!

Ok- this is private and I am only sharing this info here..... so.... only 3 ppl will know about it.... I just don't want ppl to judge me on this.... I work really hard and I don't need that.... I know what's good for me and I don't need a million ppl making this into some huge insecurity issue... I don't see anything wrong with wanting to lose a couple pounds and tighten a few areas... And if this "secret" will help me do it.... then all the better!

New Year= New Me

Loving myself has never been so easy for me. Believing in my dreams has not come easy either. Every year I make resolutions to do things differently but I never do.... Those dreams only last for a couple months and then I go back to the same old me.... But I think that's because I don't have anyone to be accountable to. I put myself last too many times...

I have sacrificed my modeling time and appointments to help others with theirs- I refuse to do that this time around! Whoa has his dreams and he is perusing them- with or without me... and I just have to understand that. So as much as I want to be there for him- I am putting myself first. So far I have done that once this year. I was supposed to help him with something and I got a call asking me to work a news broadcast for the same time frame.... Needless to say- I took it! And not only do I get PAID... but I got great exposure and I got booked for a big show this weekend! I think that is sign enough that I am doing right by myself. And Whoa got helped anyway,.... but AFTER my time.... Not before! and that's how it should be!

My book idea has been floating around in the air for EVER and I never had the guts to move forward with it.... Well this year I am working on it... I am working HARD and if it doesn't take off...... at least I will have tried! but if it does... I won't have to go back to the 9-5 world I despise so much!

I have decided not to put my relationship as TOP PRIORITY... Do I love my boyfriend? YES.. Do I have faith that we can make this work? YES... Do I want to be with Whoa for time and time to come? YES... But I know now that I can't change anything and history will be what it is meant to be.... So I can stop stressing it and work on me...

The changes started with my hair... I colored it and then I cut bangs... this new me is not just on the outside.... It's a total change and a much needed one at that! I am going to do what I need to do to be proud of who I am! I cut my friends down and I am entering this year with great people!

I must admit that every once in a while I find things out that bother me about WHOA... things like condoms he told me he didn't have, I find pictures of females and small behaviors that don't seem to add up... But I also know that there are some things about me that wouldn't make sense unless someone came to me and asked... well since that's not gonna happen,.. I am just observing.... and if he chooses to screw around on me and I find out.... that will tell me he doesn't mind losing the best thing he ever had (ME).... an X and now GREAT friend of mine (Ju) had this to say when I told him what I had found....

"Baby, if you go looking for dirt, yo ass is gonna get filthy! You need to look in the mirror and see what I see... You are too beautiful of a person both inside and out to sell yourself so short.... if that nigga is dumb enough to let you go... (like he was) then that's his bad and you will be just fine! Too many niggas out here would LOVE to come home to you!" I felt better after that... and funny enough... guys KEEP trying to date me... But I respect my relationship too much for that... It's just nice to know I won't be lonely for very long is he gets dumb one day! lol...

We made it a YEAR!! and I am so happy about that!!

>>>side bar<<<

How about Hammer is coming down to visit! He and I keep in contact and I am really glad about that! If nothing else, he is a good friend! and I plan on keeping us how we are! Funny how you can be head over heels for someone and once they hurt you enough,... the love you feel for them changes into something else... for me the hurt turns to anger then pity and eventually a general concern for your well being... but the love is forever gone... hmmmm...