"I just need to be alone..."

After spending such magical time with Whoa last week I was excited to think of the NEXT time we would share.... Thursday and Friday we had plans but those fell through and I have learned to go with it... It's crazy cuz I don't feel horrible anymore- I just know that when things don't work out he always seems to find a way to make it up to me.... We were talking Thursday after I got signed to that management team- He was really happy for me and I was please with my damn self! LOL but our "walk on the beach with ice cream" date was just not fitting in the schedule and it didn't look good for Friday either.... I was a lil sad cuz he was supposed to be going out of town to Ft Myers where M-Hoe lives and was supposed to have 2 shows there so needless to say I was a bit unhappy- come Friday night I had decided to have a lil faith and he called me.... He asked where I was and I told him home... He asked me (with disbelief in his voice) "Why are you home on a Friday night?" and I told him my jaw was finally not hurting and I wanted to get some sleep... He said he really wanted to talk to me about some stuff but that he had to call me right back..... When I woke up again it was 5:00 a.m. so I text him.... By sat morning he text me back:

"I'm feeling a bit depressed... I'm not totally sure... I just need some time alone for a little bit to figure this out...... give me a day or two..... u can believe it or not but that's how I'm feeling.... I don't know what I'm going through.... bare with me"

So I simply text back "I'm really sorry ur feeling bad baby... If you need anything I'm here.... Everything will be alright" I decided it was best to get out of the house and went shopping with Delanie....

I decided to give him the weekend with no communication from me.... no questions or anything on my part but Saturday night he sent me an email... "I miss you sweetheart.... just thinking bout you" I text back "I love you" and left it at that..... Sunday by 3 he asked "where r u?" and I figured we were alright again.... We spoke a few hours later and he seemed really happy to be talking to me... like he really missed hearing from me... Turns out he didn't go to Fort Myers at all.... he just did his show in MIA :) But I was proud of myself for listening to and respecting what he asked for (time alone) instead of checking in on him because that's what I wanted... I'm glad he's all good and he said he's gonna tell me all about what happened tomorrow when we go check out a movie "Wanted" we are both excited to see that one!

Well after my convo with Hammer the other day- where he said he misses me and that he's coming down in July AND that I KNOW he's gonna make time to see me.... I was kinda torn..... I really wanna see him! I mean he is a kool person and I do miss him.... but I don't wanna jump in bed with him.... I just want to see him out in public to see how he is.... to catch up... OK OK OK! MAYBE I want him to see me all done up and get jealous and be a little sad about what he lost..... MAYBE part of me wants him to wish he had done things differently.... MAYBE I just want a chance to see how seeing him again will be... BUT then there's WHOA! And he has my heart.... WHOA is the one who held me at night when Hammer crushed me... WHOA is the one who listens to me and asks how I am and checks up on me.... He's the one who sleeps on my floor to make sure I'm ok and breaks tiny baby sized pieces of his sandwhiches to make sure I eat.... He has been a friend AND lover.... and I owe him respect..... I just don't know what to do.... I'm not gonna mention anything until or unless I actually see Hammer... Knowing how unreliable he is- it makes no sense to bring it up if he might not even show..... I duno what to do.....

This boyfriend girlfriend thing is a bit tricky.... but believe it or not- this is the first time I feel like we are on the same page.... I feel like he really genuinely cares about me.... and we are learning how to not only DEAL with each other but we are understanding each others needs more.... We both have our needy "pay attention to MEEEE!" moments, our "leave me alone but don't go too far" moments, and our "GRRRRR" moments.... we get it ;) And I wouldn't trade my baby for the world!

36 Hours Together!

So yesterday around 2 Whoa came and picked me up from work- He took me home to change my clothes and then to pickadilly's where we laughed for EVER! He wanted me to eat but I couldn't so he got me green jello, pudding, and red velvet cake to share with him..... After that we went home and he pushed back his studio time so he could relax a bit since he had a head ache and was so tired.... I wound up tucking him in and reading for a while...... he gave me a back massage when he woke up and I gave him a manicure.... all the while our convo was great.... even the times we weren't really talking were nice- He would hold me or we would whisper to eachother how nice the time was.... MaMa Dukes freaked out because she couldn't reach me and she sent my brother over to find me.... that was irritating but I resumed my time with Whoa and life was well again......

He showed me all the clips of his shows and I must say- I have never seen him perform live before.... not in concert- but when I saw all the videos..... I was very impressed! He looks like he is loving every min of it.... we went through all his fan comments and ratings and such.... he made sure to mention how important it is to him that I'm his girl.....

He also got to take a closer look at my facebook and myspace acct where he saw an older pic of HAmmer and I- *sigh* I sooo didn't mean for that to happen... he asked about him but dropped it after a while...... He had a meeting via phone call with his manager so he took that while I cleared up my room- When I went to look for him he had finished his call and was seemingly down.... we talked for a while and when he felt better we went to get some food- by this time it was 11 and he decided to spend another night... :) When we got home he wanted me to eat something so while we watched "dead presidents" he tore tiny bite sized pieces of his spicy chicken sandwhich and fed me.... It was so cute!

String Bean called again- for the second night in a row after 12.... his call was ignored again but he was heard by Whoa,... I tried to just leave it be- String bean has one more time to call me dumb late...... I am so not OK with him TRYING to be an ass hole and call to get me "in trouble" with Whoa- HE KNOWS I have a relationship! WTF!

"The Happening"

So last night I was supposed to cook for Whoa- Fried Salmon and Home made garlic potatoes... I was in so much pain by the time I got home I was not even feeling it- So I had text Whoa and not heard back ALL day- That's when I decided I was better off taking a Hot bath, watching TV and not stressing..... At 7:00 he called me to say he could come spend time but he didn't have his car..... He was on the beach so I offered to come because I was not hearing that come get me at 11:00 crap! An hour later he said he wanted me to come..... so I did.... Delanie was watching the awards at my house so I left her there to finish and told her I'd let her know if I wasn't coming back. When I got down there- even though I had been in pain and slightly annoyed at the 35 min drive.... I saw him and everything melted away..... (Gosh, I love it when he holds me)

He was so happy to see me and I couldn't get enough of him either.... He keeps calling me "girlfriend" lol- It's cute that he's trying SO hard to get used to it! He's obviously excited to be official and so am I! we had a great convo as I listened to his latest hit where we discussed the difference between "boyfriend" privileges and "guy" privileges.... As the boyfriend I will cook and clean and take care of him (back rubs) and go out of my way for him the best way I can.... I share and I'm open and honest.... The boyfriend gets more of me...... a better me..... the "guy" though- I have learned that I can't give it all to just any guy- Just like the husband gets certain things that the boyfriend won't..... I have learned I can't treat everyone the same.... He's loving the boyfriend perks! lol... and then he took me to the movies! We saw "the happening" which we both thought was Suckey! lol- but we agree that it was nice to go to the movie together anyway! We took turns rubbing each others back at diff times throughout the movie and then we went to get some food.... it was 1 in the morning by this time and I had promised to give him a back rub..... He mentioned wanting one over the weekend but at the time I thought he meant he had a scheduled massage...... when I asked about it he said he wanted a massage but had no one to give it to him.... So I was ready and willing to bust out the lotion and candles and rubbed him down till he fell asleep!! LOL- This morning I let him hold my car and he will be coming back to pick me up later....

I feel like we are on a good track right now! I just HOPE and PRAY this lasts..... he said I shouldn't ask when his "free time" is... I should ask when his "Elyse Time" is :) When I stepped out the shower this morning I was singing "Change me" by Rubben Studdard and the part about "we both know you don't look cute in the morning stuck out" I asked him If I look different to him in the morning because I have always heard about guys thinking "GOOD GRACIOUS! WHO IS THIS BEAST I'M WAKING UP NEXT TO?"... he said I have a natural beauty and I don't wear make-up so I look the same in the morning- beautiful.... I thought that was sweet- He drove me to work this morning and the convo was great then too- he said I think out loud.... I told him that some people don't like that.... But he said "it's really good, cuz at least I always know what you're thinking".... Which is very true- I'm just that kinda girl- An open book.... when I love, I love hard and when I give, I give everything.....

Night Time Stroll

So Saturday I had a graduation ALL day- got caught in the storm and my feet were DONE! I decided to get in a HOT bubble bath and read my newest book by ZANE "Love is never painless"- so I lit my candles.... put on some soft music... and hoped right in- I had been talking to Whoa a bit through the day and was sure I wouldn't be seeing him until Tuesday..... UNTIL he sent me a email saying we should link up.... I was shocked because I remembered he was in Tally but he was sure enough on his way back.... So I said Kool and finished my bath and book time just in time for him to arrive

When he got to the door and I opened it he looked like an angel.... I was swept up in a hug that felt amazing and lasted for what seemed like FOREVER- he just squeezed me while we breathed together.... we went upstairs and talked for a while..... I gave him a surprise that made him the happiest guy in the world at that moment... and I told him not too many would ever be able to say they have seen THIS side of me..... he just looked at me and said "well,... I'm gonna be the last" I was so happy- but the perfect night wasn't over.... he wanted to go for a walk around the neighborhood so 2 in the morning we sure did go for a walk..... we talked about movies, the environment, family, friends, kids.... and then he asked if I had plans for when I have to move out of my place next year... I told him I didn't know and he asked if I would move in with him..... I was in shock.... everything in me wanted to say "YES! YES I WILL! I DO!! YES, I'LL MARRY YOU!!!" lol thank GOD I didn't lol- but I felt like he wanted to know my answer more than he was actually asking me TO move in..... So I told him I wasn't gonna answer lol.... But I'm glad that's been brought up.... Truth is in a year I would love to move in with my boyfriend..... I think it's a good move for me.... and I really hope we make it that long.... this thing we have is not the world's easiest thing- It's not easy to be away from Whoa, it's not easy to deal with the industry, it's not easy to pretend to be strong for him all the time- But the easiest thing in the world is to love him..... I don't try- I just do....

When it was time to go inside we sat down on the couch and talked and my pain kicked in.... I was curled up in my room on the floor trying to let it pass and he laid down on the floor next to me and held me and fell asleep saying it would be ok.... I only slept for one hour that night- I spent it in and outta the bathroom trying not to wake him up with my crying.....

The next morning I felt better... We went to Ihop for breakfast and then I took him to his managers house.... We have plans for tomorrow night- I'm gonna cook... Fired salmon and home made garlic baked potatoes.... If it happens- I hope he loves it! lol

She's Single Again...

So.... Delanie and Slim made it 3 months ( not a very happy and healthy 3 months) but 3 nonetheless...... until this week,.... he went through her phone, FWD all the text messages to his phone and after studying them called her over to confess and confront her... She was pissed, while she wanted him to do it for weeks, she didn't want him to do it the way he did.... He was mean and clearly trying to make himself feel better...

She isn't sad really but then- who would be.... truth is that he beat her ass, became very needy, demanded to keep tabs on where she was and put her in a tiny box which she just didn't want to fit in.... She is my girl but she is not blameless in all this either- she definitely should not have played with fire! I told her to get out when he layed his hand on her and she didn't listen.... i told her to leave when the baby mama drama became physical, I told her to leave when she realized that everything about him was making her sick or mad..... but we all learn in our own time.....

So now she is "happy", tainted, but "happy" and I fully support her decision to just do her.... I think that she wanted something because everyone around her wanted it for her.... we all just wanted her to be happy but maybe right now her happiness is not going to be found within a relationship,.... maybe she needs to celebrate her first relationship- the most important one- the one with herself.

J-Mo and Mz Kay are doing very well these days.... J-Mo just celebrated his 26th B-day and is very happy that he will be getting married to his "dream girl" in less than 1 year! Mz Kay is still deciding on a lot and working on the save the dates which we will HOPEFULLY have done by the end of this month!

Mr Mayo is going to be returning from his vacation to Peru

As for Whoa and I- we are doing well I think.... Still a struggle to stay out of my own baggage but he is helping me see that maybe, just MAYBE, I'm not doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life! lol.... and maybe all men aren't the same.... Hmmm,... I am still not willing to completely succumb to this DREAM of mine but maybe he'll stick around long enough to make me want to..... I don't NEED the wedding bells right now... but I do still feel a strong need for a serious relationship that I can grow in and with..... And I so want this to be it!

F*n HEAR ME!!!!!!!

Wreckless in my thoughts as only I can appreciate
Everything so clearly displayed in my mind
My chaos makes sense, to me, seemingly calm
Yet I open my mouth to speak and foolishness spills out
I skip every other beat and my “music” turns to “noise”
Do you know what determines the difference?
Music is not determined by the intent of the musician
But rather by the ear each sound reaches
Everything we do and say is up to interpretation
I am so tired of making music that isn’t heard….
So sick of my work being excused as mere noise
My sound falls on deaf ears
Useless as dry tears
Ever seen a dry tear fall?
It sounds like a cry, and may look like the real deal
But if you look closely- its clear there is nothing there
I feel like a ghost-
Forced to roam with “unfinished business”
How can a ghost make things “right” if not seen or heard?
Cruel joke it seems!

I am so tired of trying so hard to make people hear me..... For example- I have TMJ..... it's a REAL problem with REAL pain and symptoms.... but no matter how many times I explain this- no one gets it.... last night I was layed out in pain..... let me vividly describe this for you- imagine a tooth ache, light sensitive migraine, and an ear infection all in one! Then imagine that pain rushing down your neck and into your collar bone..... it actually made my arm numb and my fingers felt like they were asleep...... I couldn't do anything but cry for hours.... I may have gotten 30 min of sleep where I was passed out from exhaustion and woke up in pain.... the throbbing lasts for hours.... even days..... This is NO joke and I prayed all night asking to PLEASE just relieve some of this pain because I couldn't take it anymore.....

No one gets it... they say "relax" and "calm down"..... but I'm not being dramatic!!!.... Sometimes I can't even move.... it tenses up my muscles so much I can't even MOVE! and that's painful! I was told by doctors for weeks that I was crazy- and then the ER specialist ran tests and told me what I have- Thats it... why bother explaining? I'm so over it..... I don't need to care about what other people think- No one gets it.... not really... and maybe it's unfair for me to expect them too...

Flash Forward!

This past Friday, Whoa surprised me at my job and asked me to go to Orlando with him.... jut to get away... I was so excited! I AM so excited! Saturday we didn't see each other but he made sure to send me plenty of love via our text/Email..... "I love you" and checking in on me through the day made me feel great! He made his way to my house for some QT mid-day yesterday after I went to see JD (my cousin) we talked and chilled and this chick always makes me laugh till it hurts.... Whoa said he just wanted to see me since we hadn't spent a lot of time together over the weekend.... And our time together was perfect..... Although not long enough for me- but then- it never really is....

Tomorrow JD's lil sis (my baby cousin) Bree will be graduating from high school so we are all going to make sure we act a fool to celebrate the LAST of the M-5 clan growing up.... I have to say- this will be sad but so exciting- we have all come so far from where we were.... it wasn't always easy, pretty , or nice...... but we did it- we made it! After seeing so many people in my life leave, fall off the path, and pass away.... I am so glad that I still have all my family! Now I know I gotta get cracking on my degree so I can set the example! I just need to finish up already.

I started getting the Panic Attacks again last night... I settled myself before it got too bad but..... I woke up this morning with it too.... Part of me feels odd about writing these diary entries all the time but the other part of me is so glad to have this..... I had a dream Saturday night..... In it I died in a fire and didn't even know it.... I was walking around as if nothing had happened... I thought I had escaped the fire until I was trying to talk to people and no one could hear or see me.... Then my cousins saw me and they look scared of me.... It finally dawned on me when they told me that I had died.... I suppose I had unfinished business and that's why I was able to remain on earth- I saw my mom and friends...... some friends couldn't see me.... I realized that only people who TRULY LOVED me could see me.... I guess it was supposed to be an eye opening experience where I would see how significant I am to some and not to others.

The dream scared me because a few times I woke up and when I would fall asleep again it was as if the dream picked up where I left off.... I had to finish it.... The truth is that a lot of my dreams actually come true in some form and that's what freaked me out.... I feel like I need to say something.... but I need a little time to wrap my thoughts around it all.....

The Gift of Groupies!

So, Tuesday was Whoa's b-day... So there I was on Monday night knowing that he was going to be locked in the studio for 2 days.... It was about 10:00 when I got a call that was unexpected but very appreciated... I so badly wanted to be with him on this day as I never really got to be there with a bf for his day before.... So he was just talking and told me he was on his way to see me- in fact- he would be getting to my house in about 15 min. I was sooo happy! He got there and was totally tipsy.... He told me that they wanted to get him drunk for his b-day... so he had 3 glasses of goose and cran and then came the "gift". He has a rule about no females in the studio because it's hard to focus and get things done... But the producer he was with had some "special" friends over.... when he realized one was getting "friendly" the producer told him that "they know WHO you are and they LIKE you!" that's when he said he realized they were his "gifts"..... he said he was like "whoa whoa whoa! They can't be here" but I assume they didn't take him seriously so to avoid getting in trouble he came up to see me.... lol All I could think- In the midst of his honest moment was "GOOD JOB!" I was so excited that he took the initiative to leave and then that he told me about it....

It was difficult but I didn't look at it like the jealous gf because I don't want him to NOT tell me these things in the future..... I was just thankful that he felt he could tell me.... He planned to only stay for an hour but wound up staying because I was worried about him driving home.... He slept on my couch with me for a while we watched a movie with J-Mo and Delanie.....

The next morning he left and I went to work- I was secure in the moment but was kinda concerned about what they would do the night of his b-day...... Fortunately for me- He wound up asking me to come to the studio- It was just he and I there.... He let me hear a lot of his new stuff and OMG I loved it! We wrote together for a while and then we took turns driving home... lol- He stayed over that night and...... This was a night to remember! ;) He def "put me to bed"...

I took yesterday off cuz I was officially worn OUT! lol..... And then last night.... He wanted to come stay with me again...... he called at 1 and said "baby, did I wake you?" I was like "its OK, whats up? u OK?" he said "I was just thinking that I really wanna come by, do you mind?"I said "not at all, you know you're always welcome here.... if you want to come just let me know"and he said "OK babe, I'll know in 30 min so I'm gonna call you OK?"then he called back.... and he was like half sleeping.... he was like "Baby, I don't think I can make it.... I'm so tired,.." I asked where he was and he said close to his house.... the studio is a lot closer to his place so I said "if you can't stay awake and drive then you should sleep there" he said "I really need to sleep" so I said "OK sweetheart, bunches and bunches of kisses..... sleep well" and he said "muah muah muah... ok.... love you.... goodnight"

Mz Kay said today that he is the first guy who is actually LISTENING to what I need and want and trying to make that happen.... Which is so nice because I am the type of person who naturally does that for someone else too! These are the days I wanted.... simple- care free- drama free- and lovely...... I sure am in a state of bliss.... although I'm still gaurded..... I really hope he's not gonna hurt me like all the others have.... I really HOPE!

"Sex, The City, and Girls Weekend"

Friday night me and my girls couldn't WAIT to go see Sex and the City! We bought our tickets from Wednesday and planned to get Glamorous for this occasion! And so we did! We were all in amazing dresses and by far the BEST looking girls in the theater! We actually got there an hour early and were second in a line that soon wrapped around the halls..... But it was amazing! We had all left our "men" behind and were ready to gossip, vent, laugh, and relax without them for a few days....

Whoa and I were supposed to link up but never got around to it and in an effort to "walk my damn talk" I made sure not to stress it.... sure enough.... in the midst of my movie fun he was looking for me... making plans to link up the next morning before he had to go out of town for the weekend.... Poor thing was still a little sick so I couldn't help but WANT to go take care of him (run him a hot bath, hot tea, wrap him up , give him some soup and rub his back till he fell asleep) but for the sake of "being stronger women" I made sure to resist the urge and told HIM what to do to feel better in the morning...

Saturday morning he wrote to tell me he wanted to see me ASAP since he was leaving for TAMPA's show.... so I went down to MIA to see my boo! I got there and he had gone to get food so I had to wait outside for 25 min since he forgot to give me the key he was talking about.... I was a lil upset but we talked and got everything settled.... He delayed his plans 3 hours so he would have more time to hang with me which I was very impressed by AND he asked me some very interesting questions... we spoke of kids before but when I asked when he wanted to settle down.... he said .... "I wanna be married by next December..." I was in shock to hear that because it's pretty specific but he also said he feels like he's heading in the right direction for it.... and asked about US being together and how I would at least know my husband can take care of me... It just gives me hope that perhaps he's taking me seriously and this battle is finally coming to an end....

After hanging in Miami for the day for part 2 of "girls weekend" I went home to sleep and boy was I tired! So I got a call from Delanie Sunday morning which started out with "I saw Whoa last night" I was totally blown since I was TOLD he would be in Tampa and got all the facts.... I was about to lose my calm when Delanie said "Don't say anything, he was with his manager and NO girls, and he spoke to me and it doesn't seem like he did anything wrong... see if he tells you on his own" So I took her good advice and waited..... Needless to say I was concerned but didn't let that ruin the rest of my day.... we went to the Shore club and chillaxed.... I saw MANY of the guys I used to hang around and in my tiny lil bikini I was getting some good attention... It was nice... and the remedy to a bruised ego is always a healthy dose of admiration.... So I indulged myself a bit while not giving out my number or getting close to ANY guys..... There was a soccer player and his whole crew who were gawking, random ppl who came to ask about our evening plans, a football player who was clearly as into himself as he would be any female (total turn off) and a few others.....

Whoa hadn't called all day so I decided to be my usual and sent him a message:

"I love you- I love u- I luv you- I luv u- Eye.Heart.You

No matter how I say it, think it, or write it,... I still can't shake it! And I hope ur experiencing the same occurrence"

A couple hours later he called me and said he was up the street... he only had one hour he could steal from studio time but he wanted to drive up to see me.... J-Mo was at the house too so he was there when Whoa got there.... I'm glad that at LEAST he knows he is around a lot more because all my friends had an issue with the fact that they weren't seeing him much..... I was sooo happy- He's been doing that a lot lately and I love getting in every min I can with him! I had a surprise for him too.... I had gotten him an ice cream cake and decorated it for his birthday with little music note candles... HE LOVED IT! thought it was adorable that I would do that for him.... He was thinking of me too cuz he brought me dinner and ice cream so we could have desert together... lol... He's so thoughtful! He also explained the WHOLE not being in Tampa thing which made sense because he actually told me in advance..... I just didn't remember... I never let on that Delanie had told me anything.... ;) And he wound up sleeping over!!

It's so funny that he is so comfortable staying with me now.... like, he has a toothbrush and everything... I buy the things he likes.... And he even said "we live in Miami don't we" as if I live WITH him in his condo- he's really only 25 min away but.... ya.... I'm happy he's making so many efforts! This week I will be taking a day off to go to his place and he is supposed to cook for me!!! I'm super excited about that one! Tomorrow is his birthday so hopefully I'll see him a little bit..... He said he got me something but I guess I'll get that when I go to his house this week! (I think it's prefume)