Break up to make up..... psh!

So.... Whoa and I are still together! And to be very honest I feel like we are making a lot of progress... but in some ways I am a tad bit sad with how he deals with things....

I love holidays!!!! They are so important to me because I have not been able to have a good one EVER.... I usually do have a bf but they always find reasons not to be the "good" bf and act right and I spend it sad or alone.... or BOTH! I was just so sick of being understanding about everything... we got into it this week because of him going out of town on vday- to be very honest it wasn't even just that... it was about me wanting him to do something sweet for me just because.... I run him both bubble baths and give him back rubs, I cook for him and buy him cute lil things when I'm out just because... I do so many thoughtful things for him but he doesn't seem to do the same for me. I don't need to date a guy who acts all emotional like a chick but I do want a guy who puts me first at least some of the time. And he is spending A LOT of time with me but shit- pick a damn flower or make me a card... I'm not expensive but I do require some thought!

So I spent all day crying... I had a break down and we went for a walk.... sat by the lake and talked... more or less he was listening to me vent about all the things on my mind.... and when I was still crying 7 hours later I felt it was time to make a choice... When I brought it up all he said was "I do love you, I do want to be with you, But i just need time to think...." I thought we were gonna break up and the tears wouldn't stop- now, I wasn't boohooing all day but I couldn't get the tears to stop running down my face... I was a little disappointed that he could watch me cry and not do anything and when I wanted to bust he finally couldn't take it anymore... he grabbed me and started hugging me and I just broke down....... the sobbing began.. I was just so tired and frustrated... Just when I thought he didn't get it.... he whispered in my ear "baby, why are you crying, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere!"

I have put so much into these relationships... and I realize every relationship will have it's issues.... But I view relationships like marriage... U can't just walk when things get hard! I need someone who will compromise and work things out! He spent the night.... After we showered he just stared at me while we listened to slow jams.... Then he held me till we fell asleep... The next morning I was so out of it.... My face looked like I got beaten up cuz my eyes were so swollen..... he had me at the studio with him all day (I wore glasses) and he's been making sure to come see me as much as possible.

I appreciate that he is giving me more time.... He had a photoshoot for the front page of the news paper (yay for my baby!) and asked me to come along.... I got to play "stylist" that day and it's those little moments I care about.... I'm just waiting to see what he does for me for v-day.... I keep trying to say... I'd appreciate doing something fun or getting something he MAKES me over a purchased gift..... anyone can buy me something.... put a lil thought in my gifts.... do something sweet......

He has a lot of shows and stuff at clubs... I make it my mission to stay away from those places so that I don't have to deal with his groupies.... Plus when I go to these places with him or if he sees me, he spends his whole time checking on me or wanting to be by me... I always try to do my own thing but he ALWAYS leaves his table to be with me or he calls me over to stay with him... I love that! but I know it's important for him to keep his focus..... So I'm out and he's out and most night's he comes to my place after.... I like that..... I know what it's like to work in those environments.... modeling means I have to network and socialize too.... but I still go home to my boo.... and I don't give these lames a CHANCE to come between us... I just hope he is doing the same...

Work out and My lil Secret...

Ok so.... I have always wanted a 6 pack.... these days I have strayed from what I want physically because I have been so busy... so to get a lil boost I have decided to take a pill..... I will keep this journal-ized so that I can have my own testimonial.... So.... I have had the pill twice today... two doses with water (2 pills at a time) and I ATE!!!! so no worries! I actually did some cardio today as well,.... I feel good about it but more than anything I can't wait until tomorrow to see how I feel....

I did all my research on this one and it seems fine as long as you take the amount you are told and follow the rest of the directions.... My goal is to look SUPER hot for V-day but more than that.... I want to wear a thong bikini this summer and that's not gonna go down unless I feel really good about EVERYTHING!!!

Ok- this is private and I am only sharing this info here..... so.... only 3 ppl will know about it.... I just don't want ppl to judge me on this.... I work really hard and I don't need that.... I know what's good for me and I don't need a million ppl making this into some huge insecurity issue... I don't see anything wrong with wanting to lose a couple pounds and tighten a few areas... And if this "secret" will help me do it.... then all the better!