Bad feelings.....

Ok-so here I am again- sitting in the studio and loving every min of it! I guess I can start this off with Mz Brown b-cuz that is the one thing I am the happiest about.... So she came to the house last nmight and we all talked... Things went really well because I found out that she didn't just stop coming around because she had picked sides... turns out she was never really mad at me or Mz Kay in the first place. She said it is just hard for her to spend so much time with J-Mo and then to come hang with us... she was torn and felt that he needed her attention more than us because we are fine and he is really unstable right now.....

C-Pooh'z X before me wanted a baby more than anything... apparently she slept with anything she could find to get one... now she has one and she also now has full blown AIDS and was supposed to pass away on thanksgiving but she is still here.... I can't decide if I should go visit or not- I know I didn't really know her but I just feel like it must be really lonely and hard to know any day now you will die... she has been in there for the last year so I hope the pain ends sooner for her than later.. I know thats not the best thught ever but I mean it only so she won't be in pain. Mz Brown wants me to go with her to see her.... She said she has patches of hair, she's too weak to lift her hand, her lungs are so far gone she can barely speak and she has to pump morphine constantly....

Mama Dukes also JUST called me and told me that she had a dream about her mom.... My grandmother was my favorite person in the world... especially when my dad and I got on a rocky path... but she did some things and it was hard to forgive her- i was the ONLY one in my family who couldn't hold on to the anger.... The last time I saw her she didn't know who I was and at my age it was hard to deal with that.... They want me to go see her this weekend because my mom thinks she might pass soon- she had a dream about her.... and she IS 84 now so I guess she has a point... Why is it so damn hard for me to deal with death and the possibility of?? My other grandmother seems so sad now too and I get the worst feeling in the world about her.... I love her to pieces and if anything ever happened.... I don't think the guilt would be something easy to deal with.... Shr and my great aunt lay the guilt trips on pretty thick everytime we talk so... IDK....

Back!

Ok- so I know it has been a while since I wrote- Been so backed up in my own thoughts I needed time to gather myself before I would be able to write.... but I guess I'm back now.... To sum things up... Whoa and I are stronger now than EVER! We spend sooo much time together and I love it! He loves the way I take care of him and I love that he gives a damn how I feel. He does for me and I do for him... To be very honest I was starting to fall into a pool of doubt because I was so scared we were drifting... my mind was just some place else... but the he went to Texas and I went on vacation and that trip gave me a chance to think about what it is I want and what I am and am NOT willing to do or give up to get it. Well,. nothing is perfect but I want this time together to last.... As it is I have been in the studio ALL day and I'm still here.. we work out together, play games together, run errands, cook, go to movies, all together... and he even met my mom... They like each other and they even talk sometimes! He's letting me into his world more and that's all I really wanted.

On another note... Delanie and Dread are doing well... looking for me to give them a therapy session. Apparently ALL my friends feel like I should be a therapist because while I SUCK with my own choices... I am awesome at advising other ppl and opening their eyes to what else they may not see... or want to.

Meanwhile, Brother bear and his lady are no more.... They ended and All I know is that she needed to be in rehab and what was meant to be a short amount of time turned into a long, drawn out, unfortunate string of events.... I'm so sad for them... just because they are both good ppl. But no matter how much we may want it to work out.... some things just are not meant to be. This is a lesson J-Mo and Mz Kay learned too. she decided it and he was VERY upset. J-Mo keeps showing up to the house... finding every reason he can and then crossed the line when he publicly dragged Mz Kay arund a parking lot trying to profess his undying love for her. I think that really scared her more than anything and after that I am not too sure she would EVER even consider going back. I can't tell J-mo this in so many words... right now the possibility is all he really has,... I am very honest about the truth though. I wouldn't set him up for failure- although- When it was me loving C-pooh (his brother) he kept me around as a personal play toy for him. But I'm not that kind of person.

Mr Mayo doesn't talk to me AT ALL these days... can't say I'm too sad about that. Part of me wants the friendship... But the other part of me knows now that he was never my FRIEND... he just manipulates things and waits until you are weak enough for him to pounce on you like a wild lion.... I'm just tired of the disrespect and lack of concern for my well-being. I love Mr Mayo for who I thought he was... and should he ever become that person- I am here with open arms.... But I doubt it- so I won't hold my breath!

The whole group has dispersed itself and even Mz Brown and AKA won't come around anymore. I know AKA only came around for all the WRONG reasons but Mz Brown was one I thought would never pick sides... I guess I was wrong... or maybe she just chose not to be in it at all... o well.... I miss her but what can I do? Nothing.