confused in questions?

So... I am sitting here in the studio with just myself and my thoughts. And to be very honest that is just the way I like to be.... I work best that way... I think best that way.... and Lord knows I have had a lot on my mind for the last few weeks.... much less the last year. It seems as though I am always doing first and then evaluating things later... I feel like I might miss out if I do as others do and spend my whole life pondering the possibilities as they pass me by... But the flip side of that might not be much better for me... I seem to find myself with a lot of regrets this way. Always wishing I had acted differently to a situation and perhaps I could have gotten a better reaction from someone... I do this thing... I ask questions. BOLD questions. And I never was this way. I used to think a lot and wonder a lot but I never asked for fear of what the reply might be. Living like that did not prevent me from having to deal with it anyway... It merely delayed to time.... which draws out the healing time. I ask Whoa what comes to mind because he gets so defensive... and part of me hopes that "next time" he will fall apart and confess what it is that he is so bothered by but that does not seem to work. At times I must say that I can no longer tell if it is in fact him that is not being honest or if I just don't trust anyone anymore... But then... I can't stop the questions from coming and so I must continue to ask... no matter how bothered... it is not like I nag.... I simply ask like a regular conversation.... what's the big frickin deal???? can someone please tell me WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT A DAMN QUESTION?????

Tat Tat Tat it up! "Love"

So,.... Today I got a new Tat! It is the word "Love" on the side of my left hand ring finger....

It is very simple and in script.... I am a hopeless romantic as we all know and I am in Love with Love.... so what better way to say that? I love my new tat and I am so proud of me! I waited till I knew and I never questioned if this was what I wanted...... my brother and Whoa are the only ones who know right now... I did go with BnA.... so I wasn't alone....

vday dis- ASS-ter

Sorry, it has been a min but so much has happened... V-day didn't go well for me AT ALL! Whoa actually stood me up.... and although his excuse was there... it was just an excuse to me... He actually woke me up on Vday to tell me he planned the whole evening for me.. he did have a show but he was gonna bring me and then we would spend the night together.... His plan was to sing for me... Since we has been on rocks for some time I was looking forward to it and I was very impressed by his efforts... He wound up having me wait around to not do anything... instead of sitting at home sad I decided to hit the club with some friends... I had a few too many drinks and danced like a damn fool... mostly because I was hurt... but whatever... a friend of mine asked me to sleep in MIA at their place but I know how much he likes me and that he would take advantage of me for sure so I left... I was definitely HURT by Whoa but not so much that I was willing to go against my morals and CHEAT.....

The next morning I was glad I had gone home because whoa sure did show up at my house to wake me up... he wanted to talk and apologize.... I honestly had no words... I doubted everything he had to say and I really had no words.... So I just listened.... i think he saw how i felt... for the first time i think that morning he might have had a glimpse of how i felt and he poured out his heart... how i was the one and how he doesn't want to keep hurting me... how he is gonna do better and this was not just words... to please let him show me he is serious... and after all that... all i could do was sigh....

The next weekend he recreated vday or me and surprised me like no other... i got a gift bag and card with my favorite candies and a teddy bear. And I was happy... he took me out and spent time with me... The fact is... that's all I really wanted... sad that it took so much for him to see.. but since then he has done well,... He taes me out and pays for everything... We spend quality time just talking and reconnecting.

We are getting to the one and a half year point soon enough.... and i am excited to make it that far... we have come a very long way.... i know relationships are not always cake and ice cream... and i also understand they shouldn't be all work and no play... i just want balance.... more than that... I want the good to outweight the bad... always!