Day 158- Time Will Tell

So Whoa just went to L.A. yesterday. He is working really hard and I must say- I'm proud of him!.... he's really buckled down and focused on what he needs to do.... Last night he said when he gets home he's coming straight to me.... not even going home to shower! lol....I told him that was a good idea.... then he can take his shower with ME! I'm so excited for him to come home to me it's crazy.... he's counting the weeks and days.... lol... I did some counting of my own.... today is day 158 since we met! Can you believe that? Almost half of a year!! its been 62 days since he confessed how he felt about me.... 44 days since our first kiss and 37 days since we made love for the first time! Interesting!

C-Pooh and I definitely did a good job on the engagement party! Turns out everyone had a really good time and everything turned out perfectly! I think C-Pooh wants for us to be friends again... I mean we have fun and it's always been easy between us.... I would never allow us to get close again- out of respect for Whoa or anyone else I have in my life....

Mr Mayo has made a point of getting touchy feely with me again and I am trying very hard to control my urge to tell him about himself.... Last night he sure was at it again... Mz Kay definitely fires back at him now with his slick remarks but I don't think he gets it.... his behavior is not welcomed or appreciated... If we could just get him to stop acting a FOOL we'd all be good! It's sad because we don't want Mr Mayo to leave the crew- but we want his Alcohol issues and constant urge to be an ass to calm down.... One day perhaps.... but not soon enough!

I feel so lucky to have Whoa right now.... I have never had anyone make me feel like I was so significant.. and honestly, I don't ever want to go back!! I just hope he realizes what he has with me right now and doesn't want to lose it... I hope he appreciates me for real and this is not just a show.... I'd imagine it would be hard to fool ALL my friends like this... but you never know these days.... He has shown himself to be honest, trustworthy, considerate of me and my feelings, and seems to have genuine interest in me (even from what my friends say) So time will have to tell the rest!

Been Sick

So this past week I have been deathly sick with a virus causing fevers of 102.4..... I couldn't even get out of my bed until yesterday and even now walking too much makes me dizzy... hopefully in the next day or so I'll be back to my old self......

I was really sad that I didn't see Whoa at first (last Sat and Sun) and we didn't even talk- I literally could not get a hold of him...I had a few panic attacks because I started to think maybe he was pulling a Hammer episode on me..... Turns out he just needed time to get some work done.... they have really been putting pressure on him. But I can't forget to put myself first so when he did finally call on Sunday I was very blunt- "Do you want me in your life or not? Because I want to be here but it feels like your avoiding me...." and he said "No No, Baby, I DO want you in my life! I've just been blah blah blah" and then I told him he needs to consider me too.... Don't put me through that- If I needed time away to think or work I would tell him I won't be reachable for X amount of time and I expect the same in return. I think we have an understanding- although I understand this is something he has always done so I don't expect the next time to be different..... not right away that is....

Since Whoa knows I am sick he has made a point to constantly call and text to check up on me.... He said he wishes he could be here to take care of me but they sent him the ATL to promote for a week : ( but the good news is that he will be back in about 5 days!!!! And I can't wait! I'll be healthy and able to enjoy the time....

MaMa Dukes had surgery today! BroHam just called and told me she was out so I'm relaxed. she has wanted to have her boobs done for as long as I can remember and she finally got her wish so I'm happy for her!!

Mr Mayo came to have lunch with me today... We finally got a chance to talk about the house party and everything that went down... I think we have a better understanding so hopefully it won't have to happen again. But in our big ass clique.... once is never enough!

Thoughts....

So after the C-pooh planning session (and his surprise guest) I realized that some ppl just don't change.... He's smoking daily now.... what started out as a once in a while thing seems to be the only way he can get through the day.... He is so happy when I see him.... like a little kid- and it feels good- like the old fun loving C-pooh I used to know and at one time loved..... Now here we are almost 6 years in and he seems to be lost..... I'm not sure what happened but I have an idea. I think we all have a little share in the blame game of "who changed".... It was a mix of "him and her"- "mine and ours".... It may have come from one place (C-pooh) but not one of us is a victim without at some point being the one to victimise... And I feel bad that we must ignore the big pink elephant in order to function. Oh well,.... not my problem I guess.... Not anymore.

Last night I went to sleep and Whoa called me at 4:00- said he was in bed but couldn't sleep cuz he was busy thinking about me.... LOL... He had a "hard time" relaxing with all the tension.... So I put him at ease and after 15 min he was off to sleep.... That's my baby! I love the fact that he calls just to hear my voice.... That he calls me "baby" (a term of endearment) rather than "my first name" all the time because it makes me feel like there is feeling.... he doesn't call females outside of their names like other guys because most females who call his phone work for him.... so that's a first name thing all the way... He puts me at ease... And I'm beginning to depend on him for that....

I hope we can become more solid in the weeks to come.... That would be great! I'm just not interested in "random dates" these days.... I like having ONE person to go out with and ONE person to invite places... I LIKE getting to miss someone special and the great feeling of anticipation I get when I know we are going to meet up.... He certainly has a way of making me feel like I'm irreplaceable :)

Waxing- WTF???

Ok so me and Mz Kay wanna get waxed- BRAZILLIAN! Our other friends have done this many times and feel it's the only way to live life! lol.... far be it for me to say otherwise when I have yet to experience what stories have led me to believe is one of the most PAINFUL procedures women are willing to torment ourselves with! But Mz Kay wants to do it before her wedding and I'm all in for the festivities! I think I just don't wanna do it alone- I'm gonna need someone to talk me into it... and then to hold me down so I don't run away crying with wax stuck to my crotch! LMAO!

Whoa is still in NY but only for a couple more days so.... he already said when he comes back he's ALL MINE! I think I'm totally gonna get him trashed and take advantage of him! I actually think it might be REALLY fun if we BOTH are totally trashed! LOL- I CAN'T WAIT! I miss him so much- but I'm beyond willing to wait a few days for his kiss! He broke his phone though.... poor baby! I think he needs a little TLC and a heavy dose of ME!

Delanie thought I was mad at her since I have been keeping to myself a bit more but I think I just needed a break from ppl.... I kinda needed to get myself together from all the school, work, and love life pressure.... I was on a short thread and didn't wanna go off on anyone else. We're kool tho- she's so funny..... she sounded all sad when I called yet excited (kinda how I imagine I must have sounded to Hammer) LMAO!

My professor totally gave me a 0 and dropped my grade from a 95 to a 75 because he SAYS I didn't post my paper on time... LIES! so ya.... I will be fighting that one if he doesn't come correct real soon!

So I'm about to be off...... gotta go shopping with C-pooh for the party..... interesting huh? lol.... a few months ago I never would have expected this to be ok..... but I guess that's the beauty of life.... all the unexpected surprises keep you from getting too bored. lol

-Blank

Hammer spoke again last night.... I wrote him and said... "Hey, I hope all is well with you" and closed out the convo- I never expected a reply because he was never really good at those.... Well,... he replied and was telling me about how he is and his coaches and all that..... I kinda just was glad to hear he was alright and was gonna leave it at that- he actually asked how I was doing..... that kinda threw me since I figured he wouldn't care..... I was curious and asked.... "have you thought about me at all?" and he said "Come on, you know I have" Funny- I want to see him again.... like I want to be in his life to some extent..... but I think I have accepted that as the BEST we can ever hope for.....

Whoa had an unexpected emergency this weekend and had to cancel our "romantic" plans..... I am trying to see this as realistically as I can- after 6 months I think I am falling for Whoa and I'm scared to get hurt..... I let my gaurd down with him and then pull back cuz I'm so scared.... Oh well, I guess I'll figure it out between now and the next 2 weeks.....

No bad news to speak of..... Me and my girls Mz Kay and Mz Fabulous had a girls weekend..... We talked about EVERYTHING and yesterday we went to the beach.... We had soooo much fun it's crazy! We totally MUST do it again!

I Believe In Him

So we have been talking a lot..... and I think we understand each other.... I was nervous about him needing time to adjust to the way our relationship works and he was nervous that I wouldn't be able to handle this long term.... I have no intentions of leaving as long as this continues to be a positive situation.... Whoa has been reaching out to me for support and support is what I give. The other day he was feeling self doubt and we talked for a while about all his fears.... I really believe in him and I told him just that. I care about his well being and I wouldn't want him to hear that his efforts were below the bar from thousands of random strangers.... I don't think it helps to boost someones head if the truth is that they need more work.... And I think he momentarily forgot how gifted he is.... so I wrote him this......


"....."<< This one is FOR and ABOUT Whoa!

Surpassing the “Haters”;
Procrastinators; friendly “Fakers”
The ability to put music to poetry
Like Floetry-
Compassion based depth
Charming Personality
Professionally skilled
Genius- lyrically
A man born 2 create history
A descriptive mystery…
2 Words- Kiss and Bliss
The kind you miss
The only thing I wish-
I wish U cud see urself thru my eyes
U’d never doubt urself again
There is perfection in all Ur flaws
Need proof? - I have yet to pause!
A refreshing desire to explore
A genuine smile I adore
Strength and Wisdom….
Need MORE?
Cuz if the sand run’s out- I’ll flip it!
You are TRUTH cuz U live it…

U possess the courage it takes 2 B who U R
Remember the obstacles U overcame 2 get this far…
And allow that to be your motivation….
Because U have a blessing- not a simulation.

He LOVED it! The truth is that seeing him strive to achieve his goals motivates me to do the same. I have shared my writing with him and he really believes in me.... he supports my production skills and modeling goals. He truly is my friend FIRST and Lover second. And I think that's how the best relationships are formed.

We talked about loyalties and he promised not to lie to me.... He said his guilt doesn't really permit him to do it since he'll wind up telling on himself anyway... That works for me because for some random ass twist of fate- I can't seem to lie to the person I care about... I'm not sure why- I feel like it's a MEAN JOKE! but I guess my mind thinks they can see it if I do....

I am planning some romantic time for Whoa and I this weekend.... G2G!!!! we are having lunch together right now...... Chilli's here I come! XOX

Suspended in FEAR

I'm at work, it's 8:49 and I barely slept..... I can't believe I'm actually crying right now.... I'm hurting myself because my past won't let me go.... When I was at school I had to see a therapist because of my fear of public speaking.... YES! it was THAT serious! I had a panic attack and broke down in front of 2 classrooms.... I almost passed out from the tears and shook so bad they ran up to me with chairs.... I couldn't even move enough to sit..... I was frozen like a deer in head lights. Anyway, Since they MADE me go I figured I would at least be honest. My therapist thought it came from something traumatic in my childhood so that's what we talked about.... Anyway... that experience showed me that my relationships are what they are because I'm always seeking approval; a male to love me unconditionally- As the old story goes.... I was the ultimate daddy's girl and my whole life my dad made a second career of LEAVING me.... always sure to SAY he would be right back but never actually doing it... I went almost my entire high school career without seeing him except for one random day and my graduation day.... same for college and I think I saw him for ALMOST 1/2 of my middle school days.... I felt deserted so I needed something to replace him....

Almost every guy I have dated has cheated on me and I almost always stayed because by my fathers example- I thought ALL men lie and cheat... One guy hit me... a couple used me and spit me out..... I painted a guys house BY MY SELF once! WTF was I thinking?! I was so desperate to PLEASE and KEEP a guy that I lost myself..... I couldn't count the money I have wasted on guys but thousands on one over 5 years and 600 on the last 9 month one is clearly TOO much!

Whoa and I are so right- and that's without me having to MAKE it that way... I don't have to do anything and he doesn't WANT anything from me other than my advise and attention and support.... But I'm so insecure with the fact that the past has always hurt so much- I can't even trust myself.... I am on edge of thinking he is ready to walk away anytime I get upset..... I don't know what to do because I don't think I could take another heart break....

I don't want anyone from my past BACK.... I have let it all go and I feel free without them... They held me back and I need to grow so the limited amount of time I allow them to occupy as FRIENDS is as good as it will ever get. If I ever cared about someone enough to give them a little piece of me I will always care on some level.... I'm just that kind of person... But I wish Whoa would just grab me, shake me and say "ELYSE! I'm not going anywhere! I'm right here and I'm not leaving you!" *sigh* I love my father despite who he is.... but I resent him for crippling me the way he has.... If he was just a different person... I wouldn't be this way....

What IF??

I feel like I'm being swept up in a whirl wind of WHOA! lol.... He called me at 8:30 this morning just to put a smile on my face. He was so funny! We had a really good conversation and in it he asked what I would do if I got prego.... I paused for a Milli-second and thought about him and me and finding that out and how I would feel and what I might do.... Once the Milli-second was over I told him it would depend on our situation.... like where we were and if we were good or not. I didn't feel a sense of panic or urgency which I felt in the past when I thought about having kids.... I felt like if he was there it would be OK..... I can't see myself being a "baby mama".... and don't wanna be a knocked up girlfriend.... I want to be a fiance, then a WIFE.... and I want to enjoy being married and having my husband to myself for a little while. Then I want to have a baby.....

He doesn't seem like the type to run out on you..... So I asked what he would WANT me to do.... He said he would want me to keep it.... I was taken back a bit with the thought because he is the first guy to seriously say he would want to have a baby with me.... other guys say it cuz they think it's what a girl wants to hear even though they have no intention on being WITH her.... but he said it like a husband would say it with all the "We" and "Us" talk..... I liked it....

Because I don't want us to ever have to deal with something unplanned like that I know I need to be EXTRA careful.... and that's how I have been so.... it's all good....

All I can think about lately is my FUTURE.... I want to have a marriage- a GOOD one... and be financially secure.... I want a baby and the nice home.... I want to cook dinner and wake up next to the same person every morning.... I want to share my daily activities and check in with someone...... I'm hoping that this is where we are heading..... He already does the check in calls, asks about our future..... takes my opinion into consideration and treats me like I'm his # 1 and ONLY.... I guess I'll know by May 1st how serious he really is about me.....

He said he has something for me- tonight he will coming over and he's ALL mine until I go to work in the morning.. = ) I asked for a clue and he said it smells good... He doesn't know this but I never got a REAL gift before.... Never from a guy I was with.... and yes that includes birthday's v-day, Christmas..... and not even just as a "I thought of you today" thing. I am the one who always gives so I'm excited just to hear he got me something.... I only get the "I'm sorry" flowers and candy.... or the "I'm trying to win you over" crap.... never "just because you're you"...

Whoa seems like a keeper! hmmmm

Lovely Nights....

So last night I left work and went home to change with intentions to go to the movies and see "Meet the Browns" with Whoa.... But clearly we were going to be late so we decided to do the movies on Friday and just go to dinner instead.... We wound up at Longhorn..... It was GREAT! you know.... even though I have known him for a while we STILL have these amazing conversations..... It's just so easy to talk to him. He was the perfect gentleman.... open ALL the doors (even if I got to it first) let me sit first.... Let me order first... He paid and even drove my car to and from.

It was just dinner but it was so romantic! lol..... Then we went back to the studio where he made sure to show his manager the gift I got him..... HE LOVED THE GIFT! all night he carried it around (except he left it in the car for dinner) but he made sure to thank me a million times. He felt it was thoughtful and well put together and all...... I was just happy to see how much he enjoyed it.

He showed me his video to get my opinion.... I have some nice cameos in there too! lol..... We chilled and he had me hear some of his new joints and then I left so he could have his meeting... He said he would call me after and that was at 11:00..... by 1:25 am he was calling me to say goodnight.

He recently stopped avoiding people (girls) and came out and told them that he's not talking to them because he is with ME! They are getting the point... M-hoe actually came out and asked if he was that serious.... he told her YES and deaded the conversation.... I appreciate him for that.

I got home and told J-Mo all about it..... I think he is impressed but still unsure so he is trying to question everything...... That's fine... I'm on cloud 9 with Whoa so...... I'm all good.... I love his kisses! I just can't seem to get enough! lol I would like him to hang with me and my friends this weekend... He was definately happy with himself for remembering all my friends... I was glad he cared enough to try and the fact that he actually did remember who was who and all the names..... I just have a good feeling about him.

Thoughtful Me

So,.... Whoa finally got a hold of me when I was on my way home from work last night... he said he was recording and didn't see my calls but that he didn't mean to make me nervous. I opened the conversation with... "I guess this was a bad idea huh? asking what I asked".... he said "NO NO NO!!!" and went on with the "baby, don't you understand how much I want you? There is NO OTHER female in my world" and how in his eyes I am possibly "THE ONE" for him because I get HIM and what he does.... I'm there for him... Took care of him....how much he loves spending time with me and he even said he loves making love to me! lol... I never hear a guy describe it the way he does.... And it's only happened twice so I don't feel like this is sexually based AT ALL! lol

He said he wants to be a great boyfriend to me.... I told him that all I did was ask HIM to ask ME to be his girlfriend..... So I told him I am going to give him until May 1st to do it.... He asked what if he wants to ask me in 2 days and I told him that's fine by me:) I just can't wait forever so I feel a month is a good time frame.... He asked what if anything has to change between now and then.... and that he will understand if I wanna ease off until then.... Although he said that would literally KILL HIM to not be able to spend time with me.... So I told him nothing will change... I really don't want it to... I love what we have and I love having him as the MAN in my life.... He is there when I need him and I know he feels something for me cuz he sure did chase me while I was busy pushing him back.... He put up with a lot and I just don't know what I'll do if I can't be with him...... we are good.... good for each other in all the right ways....

****Hammer was talking to me on the IM last night... wished me a happy April fool's day and told me about him being in Bmore now.... said he's trying to get used to it.... I was shocked when I didn't FEEL anything.... I was happy we spoke and I left the conversation short..... ****

I got Whoa a gift.... Its a wooden Journal with gold framed pages and a prayer engraved on the cover... It's so beautiful.... I wanted him to be able to write his thoughts and lyrics down somewhere safe.... he has hundreds of random sheets of paper thrown around so I think this will help... PLUS he has said he is trying to get more into his faith so I love the passage..... I hope he likes it.... Last night he asked me to go to the movies with him today after work so I'll be giving him his gift then.....

J-Mo made me agree not to buy Whoa any more gifts till his birthday because I have a serious problem with spoiling the guys I am with..... They never do for me so he said he is gonna help me break the cycle..... I'm so happy about that. And I hope it works.... He said start hinting that I really like or want something.... not too expensive and just see if he gets it for me..... hmmm,... I hate to do that.... accepting things is so hard for me.... but I will try

April Fools.....

So I had this BRILLIANT plan..... I could use April first as a way to get out what I wanted to say..... So I sent Whoa a text telling him I needed to ask him something URGENT and he called (AS PLANNED) and we talked for a while.... I let him off the phone and told him to call me back when he received the email.... then I sent an email that had a picture of my drawing which said...

"Will you ask me to be your girlfriend, please check one: Yes or No"

(We always joke about how we are like a couple of high school kids in this relationship the way we are so smitten with each other and goo goo eyes and all so I took it WAAAYYY back in the day to be cute).....And you know he called me and I MISSED IT! Since then I have not been able to get a hold of him by phone.... ITS KILLING ME!!!!! did I just play myself for a FOOL???? OMG! I'm nervous as all hell...What was I thinking?

I know what I thought- I thought.... If he says no I could pretend it was all a joke to save face, I thought about how much I would like April 1st to be an anniversary.... I thought he would get happy and immediately say YES! I really didn't see myself sitting here thinking this hard about it or being so worried about what I may have JUST done. lol.... :( This is really sad... *sigh*

House Party!!

I didn't want to write for a little while... But so much has been happening.... It's all so messy now.... I went to Mr. Mayo's party where ALL my friends were drinking, dancing, playing games and just talking..... I brought Whoa with me.... It took a lot because I have NEVER introduced them to anyone I was seeing... They heard about those few guys of my past and a few have seen them but never in a group setting with conversation.... just a passing by type thing.... I took him around and introduced him to everyone..... People were every where!!! The house, the back yard, the rooms..... but it was nice because we all knew each other and we all had dates and with people we really wanted to be with- this was a ground breaking night!!! I used his "real name" so no one would ask questions,.... that's who he is to me.... REAL.... not some act.... Well Mr. Mayo decided to get totally trashed and have emotional outbursts.... Whoa sat with me all night and we talked and laughed and played spades with some other friends it was a really good experience for me because I have never had that before... no guy have dated outside of C-Pooh was willing to be around people they didn't know and he was clearly affectionate with his hand on my leg and sitting close to me...

Well Mr Mayo is clearly still holding on to his feelings for me and was outraged that I brought Whoa with me..... let's think- Mr Mayo and I have been friends for almost 6 years..... I have always told him that we would never be more than friends but he has always told me about his undying devotion to me (despite the fact that he was ENGAGED and I was in love with his BEST FRIEND)... Anyway.... he wound up being locked in his room and held down by J-Mo and Brother Bear.... He punch a hole in his wall and was screaming about him not being able to see me with ANOTHER guy- as if the man really thinks we were together or something.... Brother bear came out and asked me to take Whoa and leave- which I did- Though I was VERY embarrassed... Whoa said he wasn't mad but that it's not a healthy situation for me to be in with someone who is deemed CLEARLY obsessed by all my other friends....

I took him to my house where he spent the night and we talked and he held me..... he knew I was really upset so he made it his point to let me know he wasn't going anywhere.... he rubbed my back till I fell asleep and the first thing he said when he opened his eyes the next morning were.... "Are you OK?"... Gosh, I'm so happy when I'm with him.... even in times that are stressful.... he makes me feel like it'll be OK.

I asked him what he thought I should do about Mr. Mayo.... He feels like the only thing I CAN do is to put space between us... not to talk to him or hang out much.... I found out after we left that Mr. Mayo was rude to Whoa that night at his house.... and that came from him AND Mz Fabulous so I'm not really feeling our friendship right now.... Whoa and Mr. Mayo have been around each other before... Mr Mayo even came to the studio with me once to see Whoa when we were just friends.... I thought about it and Whoa is too important to me to let some idiot's DREAM get in my way.... So, I have to put him first and that means respecting his opinions... I'm cutting Mr. Mayo off at the knees.