So Sick...

So Thursday I was leaving Whoa's house after my first night EVER sleeping at HIS place.... we always stay at my place because we happen to be up in that area and he's rarely ever home..... But this night he was too tired to drive but we wanted to see each other so I went down there.... Aside from hydroplaning and having issues with his gate keeper (that skank bitch almost got stole dead in the face I was so pissed) But once I was in his arms.... I was ok again..... We had a wonderful night- jokes and talking about everything even though we were both sooo tired- but not too tired to make love..... lol- so we did and then cuddled till we fell asleep.... He left the window open though so when I got up the next morning my throat was burning..... I was losing my voice and it hurt to talk...... He sent me off to work and he did the same.....

Turns out he felt as bad as I did by Friday night and had a terrible fever.... Both he and I lost our voices completely and he wound up in the hospital.... He's got tonsillitis and I had out-patient surgery followed by a coloscopy so we oddly enough both ended up on some of the same medications. he's been sleeping a lot so we haven't talked much but he says he misses me and Lord knows I miss him too!

He can't talk and up until this morning I couldn't either.... but hopefully he will be better soon and so will I....When I told him about me he said "DAMN!!! We're F'ed Up!" lol- That's us..... we seem to be in sync these days.... even when one is sick- so is the other! lmao! I must admit- I still have my doubts... I can't help that- I wonder about things and choices..... I wonder about the future and if James and I will have one together.... But I just don't see the end for us.....

He remembers NOW wat he had

So I'm just ending the conversation between Hammer and I- He wrote me.... asking about me and my family... Telling me about his and things going on... He was interested in everything I had to say... This was over the instant messenger so..... I told him about me getting layed off.... he said he was sorry and that he was here to help me if I ever need anything...I thought that was oddly NICE! and didn't think too much of it- then he said that he has the place in ATL and that if I need it anytime I can stay there... He said that he won't be back there until Dec. I was throwed! I couldn't believe this conversation... He sent me a bunch of pictures of him and his friends and asked for some of me... I sent him a few from my birthday weekend and he said that I am still as beautiful as ever.... He said that he planned to come check me this month but had family issues... but that he has a feeling he will be chilling with me some time soon... OK- That rocked my world a bit- I mean.... he didn't stop talking even once... said that I was always an awesome person and shouldn't ever let any one change that. He doesn't know about WHOA... He says that he doesn't want me to ever think he forgot about me cuz he hasn't- not once... and that he reads all my away messages just to make sure I'm ok and see how I'm doing.. I was shocked! but I had a feeling he might still do that because a few times he has asked me who I'm talking to in them. lol... I have to admit- this was very unexpected... I feel like he misses me... But then- why shouldn't he? I was a great girlfriend to him... and that's not being cocky- I really was... I was understanding- not a nag, I cooked and cleaned.. I dealt with HIS schd and put mine on the back burner... I closed his house for goodness sake! loaned his homeboy 260.00 to drive from here to ATL... I mean damn! I gave him back rubs in the middle of the night... I catered to his every need- I bought HIM gifts for every occasion even though he never got me one.. I was thoughtful and did everything short of stepping out of character for him..... I loved to take care of him... But... I didn't feel like he was even half as concerned for me... Funny how he remembers what he had... how he thinks back on who was there for him... I cleaned his house just because I knew he would be too tired to do it... and when he was injured- I took care of him... but when I had the flu- he was too "busy" to come look after me... I had to beg.... So i duno- I feel good knowing that NOW he finally appreciates me as a person... But Whoa- He's really looked out for me and while he isn't perfect.... I don't need perfection... I just need effort.

Ask, and yee shall receive...

As we know- I have been trying to figure out my next move... Isn't it funny that when you are going through something everything seems to touch on that subject a little? Well, Church has been focused partially on "daring to Pray BIG" my pastor made a great point that we tend to be "safe" and pray these wimpy little prayers... Prayers that are not heart felt, not truly what we need.... we ask things in general and not case specific... But God is GREAT and can do ANYTHING... therefore, we should dare to Pray BIG... not safe! I asked for help and I have been asking..... I asked to be pointed in the "right" direction.... So I wrote Boss Man from the Art dept I work with- It's slow season so I wasn't sure how well the news would be received... I told him that I will be a full time student and that I hope this allows me a chance to work more with his team.... HE WROTE BACK! He told me to write him again next week!!! that he has a possible job for me coming up the first week of August! I am so happy! Even though this is not set in stone... It has only been 4 days since the news and the door is opening!!! I don't want to get too excited yet but I can't help but be thankful for this bit of help God is sending my way.... Tomorrow I will be reaching out to other resources and seeing if I can get any feedback from them....

Today's service was GREAT! I got my cousin to come with me and she instantly fell in love with it as I did.... It feels so good to be around family and today I spent the WHOLE day with her and my Brother.... I feel like I'm growing.... and hopefully I'm able to touch those around me.....

Position Terminated

So I have been up and down on what seems to be a downward spiral..... Let's just talk facts... After two years, my company is letting me go... They called me into a meeting and sprung it on me- I was hurt... they started by saying- please know this has nothing to do with your performance, we love having you with us BUT we are down sizing and have decided to terminate your position... This leaves you with two options-

1) We will give you a severance package if you choose to leave which includes 18 months of schooling on us

2) You can apply for one of two positions available, IF you interview and we select you, you will change locations but still be within the company

My heart fell through the chair... I couldn't speak- my mind froze and her words seemed to physically HURT- it took all of 3 min to say that to me- to devastate my world and after all that I realized that their day would go back to normal and mine would forever change... But she did utter that I have 2 weeks notice and my last day would be the 31st if I left the company...

The only thing I could think to do was nothing- I didn't fight back because there was nothing I could do- Then my boss called me in for my 2 year review which I thought was not appropriate timing but I did want to know what she thought of my service with the company- All I cared about was how she felt I had done since I know I busted my ASS for the past year with countless efforts and covering for people, going above and beyond what I should do.... She gave me the song and dance and gave me 3-5% when the max is 10% and last year I got 7%... My feelings were gone... I didn't want to hear anything or anyone... I was a mess and I resented her for kicking me while I was down with such a bogus claim of "you MEET but don't EXCEED expectations"

I picked up what was left of me and went home... I called Whoa to tell him as I tried to walk out with some pride and he helped me see the BIGGER picture... he was 100% supportive and I don't think I would see things this way if not for him.... He helped me look at my options and later came over just to make sure I was ok... I called my parents after and the funny thing is- they ALL said the same thing... Having the support of my fam AND boyfriend really got me going and thinking- I have to make this work! I have been going to church lately and I feel like I really need to have some FAITH- I went in to work the next day- Yesterday- with a plan. First was to take care of my co-workers... the ones I would leave behind... They were upset to hear but I didn't cry at all- I told them all that they would be FINE... that God doesn't close a door without opening one and now was MY TIME to find that new door- I told them they could come to me for help and support on anything until the day I leave and that I was more than willing to train them... Then I sent out emails to my team... telling them my decision... I told them all how wonderful they are and how blessed I feel to have had the chance to work with them... That i know we are all up in arms about this but we will all manage something.... I also wrote the director to thank her for her time and the opportunity but that I would have to decline the interview.... She thanked me.... (although she was cold and rude when she was telling me I was DONE- I want to go out with CLASS and that's something that THEY can't take from me).

My next order of business was to call HR, IRS, take care of school docs and file everything needed... I think I have set myself up to be ok- I hope so... and I want to use this time to follow my heart... I want to throw myself into the production and modeling I love so much- This may be the push I need... and if not- I will find something else. I'm a fighter... I still have a week and a half to finalize things at work and beyond that- God won't leave me out in the cold..... We shall see... Faith is not about what you see... It's about trusting what you can't... Believeing in something greater, BIGGER.... And I am really starting to understand that- There is a reason I have been led back to church at this point in my life- My guess is that he knew I would need him desperately at a time like this... And so I will continue to believe and show faith and pray and see this as a test...

Good News/ Bad News

Today is Wednesday and my PLAN was to go to work, and leave early for my studio time with Whoa... But last night while doing my hair he called and said "Baby, I have good news and Bad news... which do you want first?" I always take bad first.... he said the bad news is I have a closed session with Mr Words and I will not be able to have you there.... I'm sorry...." I immediately got sad and said... "what's the good news?" he said "since I can't spend tomorrow evening with you I'm on my way to your house and I'm staying with you all night" I was THRILLED! I LOVE to see him not matter how often- it always seems special! He asked if I wanted to see a movie so we planned to go and by the time he got to my house it was 9:00 and he had already gotten us tickets! That was too cute! He was starving so we went to get some food first and when we walked in I was all over the screen! one of the music videos I had done with Akon was playing and he said it was CRAZZZZY! lol- I said "YA! we're BOTH on TV! high 5" lol he laughed! I insisted being that I'm "gangsta" I could sneak his plate in the movies.... this was a big ass box so he doubted my skills! lol- I proved him WRONG!

When we got in my prince charming insisted on getting my a drink so he got it and I chilled in our seats.... The movie was long as all hell! "IRON MAN!" but it was worth it... and at one point poor thing was so tired he fell asleep on my shoulder holding on to me like I was his favorite stuffed animal! lol.... I was rubbing his head and he woke up and half asleep said "baby, are you ok? I'm sorry I fell asleep but I'm happy just being here with you...." and he proceeded to hug me and kiss my forehead and nose..... lol CUTE!

Last night we laughed and talked about a lot... he asked me about Hammer and I,... explicit details.... he told me about the moment he felt we became connected.... the night at the park- we road around doing nothing and he made me turn off the road and we ended up at a park in the middle of the night.... we went on the swings and talked for what felt like hours till it started to rain- then we talked in the car till the rain let up- that was the night I cherish MOST.... we have so many long talks.....

After my Doc appt today I went home where he still was- waiting for me and we talked for a while then went and had lunch at Wendy's.... lol... I was craving the hamburger soooo bad! we ate and talked there for an hour before we parted ways for the day...... it's happening.... we're becoming best friends! I love it- I feel like we can talk about anything and no matter how stupid I feel.... he won't judge me... not the way other people do..... He just relates....and if he can't relate... he just listens... I LOVE THAT!

Wednesday QT

Last night I was out shopping with Delanie when my FAV ring tone rang..... Whoa was just checking in on me to see how I was doing and to let me know that he was gonna leave the studio and be at my house for the night by midnight.... I was happy as always- I went home and took a nice long bubble bath to relax and found myself dozing off once 12 hit.... I called and text Whoa but got no reply so I figured he got caught up and was still recording so I went to sleep knowing if he called his ring tone would wake me...... at 5:00 in the morning I got a text from him saying he was sorry and such a loser for falling asleep at the studio... I text him back that it was ok and we would do it some other time... He called me at 7:00 to talk for a while....

He decided that while he normally only has closed sessions he is going to make the exception for me and Wednesday will be our day together in the studio! I was excited to hear that- He said I am a distraction since he is always wanting to be with me and talk and check up on me.... so I will be knocking out my homework or writing while he is working but at least we will be together... he told me about 2 X's... one he invited to the studio and she didn't want to go... he said it just wasn't her thing.... and the other (the last X) who he was with for 2 years and she is much older.... he said it was just a bad idea to ever have her there.... He didn't elaborate but I have been there with him a few times and we work well together....

He said he'll be working out his schd to make sure we have even more time together! I'm so happy right now! I didn't have to ask or anything.... I didn't even have to suggest... lol- I love my Whoa.... He wanted me to come down to the beach and hang with him today but I have work and class so- Tomorrow is Wednesday and we'll see eachother then :)

I asked why he has to record so much and he totally broke everything down for me.... Once he explains why he does things to me, I get it and it makes sense.... I feel like it's important that we keep our communication like it is.... we are only getting better with time and hopefully things continue to go so well!

MEANWHILE- String Bean keeps calling dumb late so I have just ignored him.... for every night he calls me late I simply don't speak for 2 days... so he text me yesterday that I do him wrong..... PLEASE! I text him back that if he would call me some time when I'm awake we would chat but since he only likes to call at 3-4 in the morning.... it can't happen.... he didn't like that and called me to tell me so- lol- he had to go back to work though so we didn't get to finish the conversation... I'm sure we will!

Hidden Frustration

Ever feel like you have walked into quick sand? Like fighting it or struggling only makes you sink deeper.... and no matter how quickly you think of ways to escape- your thoughts can't come to you fast enough....? Have you ever closed your eyes thinking if you just squeeze hard enough and then open them again everything that scared you will be gone and everything that was wrong will suddenly be right? Well,... I have... and each time is unlike the last... but the pattern or "chain of events" seems almost identical... One would think I should know better by now right? But to act as if I "Know better" is to act out of my character... I believe in second chances- Always have and sadly, always will. I know, I know... it's not really smart to just write off the bad in people as if you didn't see it because even if you block it out of your mind- that still exists.... I'm so tired though... Too tired to deal....

For Delanie's B-day we went to dinner where I was surrounded.... half by people I call my family and half by people who would call me their enemy... But I just prefer not to call them anything- to try and sum them up would take far more effort than I am willing or able to give them... I actually sat exactly at the point where both side's met (the middle) and ate dinner listening to foolishness (gossip and unkind words meant only for entertainment while picking at people they didn't even know but sat next to) and laughs... I was less than thrilled to be there but Delanie is definitely my homie and I would never desert her on her day because of the company she chooses to keep. I road it out and made sure she had fun, meanwhile, I was drained from the whole event.

Last night I cleaned my room... I just took everything apart and cleaned it from the beginning.... I know me- and something in my mind is not at ease because that's what I do when I'm frustrated or confused- I work it out by cleaning.... I feel the urge to make sense or take control of the things around me because I feel like I have lost control over something else in my world.

Normally I know exactly what it is that is hindering my ability to simply BE.... But right now I feel as though my mind has thrown a cloak over the issue and pushed it off to the side... Perhaps because that part of me is aware of how much I can and can't handle right now but it doesn't make me any less confused... and it certainly doesn't make me any less frustrated with myself.

Whoa watched fireworks with me and came to visit twice on July 4th... I was pleased! We had a great talk about our faith and where we both stand which made me very comfortable.... He was the one who wanted to talk until 4:30 in the morning! lol.... we had movie plans for Sunday after I got home from church but he had to work so we will simply go another time.... Speaking of CHURCH- I am happy to say that I have found a nice one that I want to go to again..... I have been looking for one for some time and never really found one that fit.... I think it's very important that everyone goes in their own time and that they are HAPPY where they choose to worship.... This place is nice and welcoming and Mz Kay and J-Mo invited me to go so it was easier than going alone.

Part of me is hoping that by going to church more regularly I might be able to get a closer look at myself and perhaps I'll find where I'm supposed to be.... I don't think that's a bad reason..... People go to find themselves all the time and if your heart is in the right place, if you are genuine and if you are willing to ask for help and guidance.... I do think you will find what your looking for... At least I hope...

"Wanted" and a ticket?

Sunday I told Whoa about my mom saying how she liked "Wanted" and how she said I should go with him.... he said Tuesday it was a date! lol... So I was excited for what I had to look forward to... Mz Fabulous had asked that we all go to her condo in Aventura so we could film her commercial for her upcoming birthday extravaganza!! So I road with Mz Kay down there and we had a lot of fun with "the ladies" filming our scenes! I had to leave a bit early though because Whoa had asked that I get the latest movie showing time and he was determined to see SOMETHING! lol-

I had J-Mo drop me off there and the ticket girl told me that the movie was PACKED! even at 10:50 at night on a TUESDAY! I was BLOWN and slightly upset but happy I would at least see my boo any min....... He walked up and asked if I had the tickets so he could pay me back- I told him what the ticket lady said and he went, bought two tickets and proceeded to check for seats for us.... he called me while I had just finished getting my chili cheeses fries and walked me in to two FRONT ROW seats! LMAO.... then he left to get nachos and drinks for us both.... I shared my fries and boy was he starving... he was really glad I was finally able to eat some chili and cheese off the top....... lol- during the movie he dozed off a little (my poor baby was so sleepy from working so hard) and he actually pooted! lmao! It was so funny- he just looked at me and said "Now we're broken in" and smiled....

After the movie he took me home where he also spent the night and we stayed up talking and watching TV for a while.... we dozed off and I decided to sleep in a little since we were up so late and we had a great morning talk so I wasn't in a rush..... when we finally parted ways with my kiss I hit the road and got a ticket! stupid ass cop pissed me off! and on top of it I know I wasn't going as fast as he SAID he clocked me at.... but whatever- now I have a 200.00 ticket! I'm trying to be calm..... my birthday is coming up really soon and I planned on using my extra money for other things..... but I'm gonna just chill and not stress if possible and see how things work out....