Silly U....

If you don't KNOW me by now-
It's safe to say-
U probably never will...
But I KNOW you don't worry your head over it...
So I don't...
And when you decide it may be worth while....
I probably won't
But be who you are
'Cause I wouldn't want you any other way
And Just remember
At one time you had GREAT-NESS
And you let it all slip away

It's hard to accept that someone may not like you... but I'd rather know you don't like me than to look in the mirror and dislike myself....

The Deed

So Whoa and I went to eat dinner at Boston Market last night.... We cracked jokes and had good conversation. We had our soups and he was extra hungry and ate a meal too! He made sure to open doors, pay for the food, and carry the tray.... I was very happy about that- which some may find to be odd but I really don't get that a lot... I usually have to pay for the meal, and it was nice to have the roles "normal" for a change. After that we went back to my place and talked for a long time..... I sent him to the corner store and I did my homework.... When he got back he was soooo happy and told me all about his adventure! lol..... We talked a bit more and turned everything off... He kept asking how I felt and if I was "sure" and I was... I guess more than anything I wanted to know what would happen after. So- We created Magic and I actually cried.... He was kissing me and I felt the tears rolling down my face. It HAS been a while for me (considering my X hasn't been here since Jan) ...

He took time and was so gentle with me... as if he thought I would break. It was nice and when it was over we cuddled and watched a movie and talked..... then we went to sleep and the night was nice. My TMJ kicked in and he rubbed my jaw and my back until it felt better... I didn't even ask him to... Then this morning when we got up he had to leave.... we talked for a while and kept asking how I felt.... I told him that I felt good.... I was happy and he looked really happy too.

Renaissance Woman

Last night Whoa was out with "The Piano Man". They had a meeting and wound up doing an "all niter"- He was texting me cuz I cooked him dinner and then he called me to let me know he couldn't make it but to wrap it up cuz he was going to eat it later.... So I did and then I went to bed... He called me at 1:00 am to let me know his plans for the night and we talked for a while and then I went to sleep. This morning I got to work at 8:55 and by 9:30 he called to tell me he wasn't feeling good "Babyy,... I don't feel good... and my temp came back a lil bit ago" So I told him he needed to stay at my place so at least I could check in on him... I didn't want him home alone and so far away. So he came up and by 11:00 I had him in bed resting....

I stayed with him and re-heated his food which he ate and then I went back to work..... I went back home to make sure he was ok since I had insisted he turn off his ringer so I wasn't sure he would wake up for his meds. I changed his shirt cuz it was soaking and then gave him his meds and tucked him back in.... I left him there to rest a bit more and I am getting ready to go home for the day so we'll be there together:) I'm so glad he's letting me take care of him.... and more so that he's listening to my advice. I really want him to get better so hopefully he'll feel better once he gets this rest. I'm gonna do my homework while he sleeps and stay with him..... For dinner I promised my favorite soup.... BOSTON MARKET! lol.... what's funny is every time I get sick my mom gets me that and sweet potatoes.... You know he actually asked for a side of that too! lol.... That's too cute! Well,... what MY baby wants MY baby gets..... within reason! lol....

While I was there he called me a "Renaissance Woman"... Which is a great thing to be! I'm RARE.... and as long as he knows that... we're good!

My Poor Baby

I worked all Saturday... up thru this morning.... Whoa has been sick! My poor baby! He was in the hospital all Friday and slept through from yesterday morning till this afternoon. I didn't feel too well myself... I don't know what was up but maybe I was really tired cuz the room was spinning, I had NO energy and I all around didn't feel good at all... But i did make my money so I'm not mad! lol....

Whoa and I had our first "conversation" about other girls early this week when it was brought to my attention by random office gossip that he was dating someone else... LOL- LOONNNGG story made short- Some girl saw something I was doing and felt compelled to say her friend was dating him and it would be soooo funny if he was dating us BOTH! I wanted to punch her dead in the face but resisted the urge and played it off like we were just homies and it was no big deal....

I did ask Whoa about it and he explained everything with no hesitation- The girl was from the past and NOTHING happened... they never slept together AND he hadn't spoken to her in a min. He said if I was uncomfortable he would have no problem coming down to my job and straightening that whole thing out because he didn't want it to affect "US".... after assuring him that it was ok and not a big deal and that I believed him we hung up and I was going on my way to see him.... he called me back 15 min later.... He opened with "Baby I really wanna apologize to you if you feel uncomfortable in any way... I'm really sorry and I just don't want this to make you feel any type of way....." He went on and on.... I must say- I appreciate the explanation.... And I'm glad that he broke it down and told me everything so I didn't have to ask.... But more than that- I was impressed by his concern for my feelings.... Needless to say I am kool with it!

Today is Easter and he is feeling a bit better so he said he wanted to come up here... I offered to go down to his condo but he really wants to stay here with me so that's kool by me:) He really wants me to cook... I even suggested going to see my mom and he was totally into it! He has a meeting and then he will be coming here... as he has PROMISED that he will see me today.... and to this point.... he ALWAYS keeps his promises to me.... But in the rare instances when he can't follow-thru... he does have a way of making it up.... He always keeps a smile on my face! LOVE IT =)

It's crazzy how much I like him.... I mean I liked him before but I was trying so hard NOT to because of Hammer (who by the way I have not talked to or felt the urge to speak to in over a week!) I really like our communication.... And common respect. I like the way he looks at me like I'm the ultimate woman and can do anything! I love the fact that he gives me as much attention as I give him and sometimes more... We seem to balance each other....

He Say-She Say

Yesterday was my official "show someone how much you care" day with Whoa. That's right- we made up our own holiday!! lol... I know- we're cute! So while I was at work I decided to draw a portrait of Whoa and that was gonna be my gift...... it came out to look exactly like him! To the point where a girl came over and saw it and said "Isn't that "Whoa"? I said yes.... she then said that her home girl is dating him.... I got defensive and said "no she isn't" and shrugged it off but she insisted... She then asked if I was- In an effort to avoid drama I said..."naw, that's my homeboy but he never mentioned having a g/f.... wats her name?" she told me and I said well it must not be that serious if he didn't say anything but I'll ask.....so I had sent him a pic of the portrait and he had JUST responded with "damn baby that's really good!!!! Did u do that?" I responded "yes, I did it for you for our holiday.... can I ask who ******* is?"



lol... he called me back and explained everything to me.... This was someone from the past... then he said he would have no problem coming to my job to say to every one's face what the deal is.... He was upset and said he didn't want this or anything to affect "US".... I assured him that I believe HIM and I only asked because it was so close to home for me.... After I hung up to get ready to go see him he called me right back to say "Baby, I'm so sorry for putting you in this.... I really hope you don't feel any type of way about it and if there is anything you want to know just ask me.... I'll tell you anything you want to know...." I was so happy that he felt so bad about it.... I do believe him and I have no reason not to- I don't stunt haters... I go straight to the source for my information.....

After everything this girl had the nerve to say "hahaha... wouldn't it just be funny if he was trying to talk to BOTH of you?" I wanted to punch her in the face for being so dumb.... she is the same one crying on the phone about other girls being with her man WHILE AT WORK!!!!.... that his ass cheats ALL the time.... No wonder she thought it was funny..... she was prob just happy to think someone else was hurting at the moment instead of her......

Dinner Party

Last night Delanie, Slim, Kid Sister, GiGi, and Whoa came over.... AFTER Smart Guy and KY left... lol... I made dinner (which everyone loved) Mz Kay had some too and she said it was good so I'm going with that! lol.. Whoa was HAPPY AS HELL and wanted seconds and thirds... lol...How cute! We had (for my first time in a long time) "couple" time.... where we all chilled in the living room and talked while Delanie was hugged up on Slim and Whoa was hugged up on me.... I was so happy..... = )

Whoa decided to stay over since he now has a TOOTHBRUSH at my place and he had to get his hair done first thing this morning up here so it made sense.... He wanted to stay up ALL night talking.... We played "TOTAL HONESTY" lol.... and boy was that "HOT" seat HOTTTT!!! lol He asked how I felt about him, Told me his intentions, and shared some intimate details without me having to push for it.... He couldn't stop touching me... lol... not in a disrespectful way but hugging me, playing with my hair, kissing my shoulders and back and he gave me a back rub till I fell asleep!! All this while TALKING! about things that MATTER! he actually cut off the TV in the middle of a movie to TALK! I was in shock... I never get that much attention unless I'm the one begging for it... And here he is just willing to give it to me....

He asked me to go pick out furniture for his condo with him.... Apparently its kinda bare since he's not there much lately..... but he wants my "touch" so I'm more than willing to help. He gave me complete power last night... There is one female friend he has who likes him.... he cut everyone else off but he likes their friendship.... he said he would never disrespect me and she knows about me cuz he always brings me up..... BUT if I were to become uncomfortable with it he is willing to cut her off too... I think it's good that he is so honest and open about it... I don't wana tell him to stop being her friend-they barely even talk now and... friends are good! I LOVE mine and some of them like me too so how fair would that be? But at least he is catering to how I feel instead of telling me I need to just deal cuz they are friends.... This is helping me to trust him!

We got up this morning and it was so nice.... Waking up next to someone who looks at you like even with the messy hair, eye bugers, and pillow marks on your face- YOU ARE GORGEOUS! He waited for me to finish my shower and chilled for a min then he left and I got dressed for work...... Morning kisses... Love 'em!

Boy Gets Girl....

Ever heard that story where the good girl thinks she has the perfect boyfriend... She knows that there are a lot of imperfections but she thinks if she just hangs in there long enough it will get better.... so she stays and puts up with him ignoring her and being "too busy" for her.... but there is always the "under dog" who sees how badly the bf treats what he considers a "princess" but had to fall back into the "best friend" position because he knew the girl wouldn't leave him..... Well that's my story... can you believe that? who would have thought? Well, I can't say that I will have the ultimate fairytale like they always get in the movies... but I can say that it feels good to have someone showing me attention for once... When we go out to dinner HE pays... When I call he comes running... I wonder how long this will last....

Right now things are wonderful.... he is making time for me as much as possible, calling to check up on me, lets me know what's going on.... He is letting me into his world and I like it... I have come to realize things are always going to start off perfect... they will always seem wonderful.... but when the rough times come you really see who a person is....

Because Whoa and I have built a friendship prior to anything else... I think we might have a shot.... he has seen my bad days, happy and sad days.... my "leave me alone" days AND my "needy" days..... he has seen a lot and he is still fighting to get me so who knows... one day at a time right? Well today is a good day.....

I actually started to take down the pix of Hammer and I... I'm doing it little by little and very slowly but still- its getting done..... I still love him.... and part of me always will,.... and I think he's a great guy, I just know that if I'm ever going to be happy I have to stop trying to become someone I'm not. I don't like people disappearing because I worry and stress... So trying to make a relationship work with someone who disappears frequently is not a positive move.... If I need a rose every day to be happy- I need a guy who WANTS to give me a rose every day... not a guy who thinks roses are dumb for so many reasons.... Boy, Growing up is crazy... but I'm getting the hang of it....

Bitter Sweet Smile of Sorrow

So, let's just be honest- Hammer and I are....."taking some time to think about what we really want" FUCK that! HE is thinking about what HE wants..... and I'm wondering if at this point I really care.... Once again..... this is just another example of how little I mean to him..... I decided not to sit at home and cry over this n e more tho.... I mean seriously.... what am I losing? Drama? Cause for Tears? Stress? Having this thing going on I have already had to go through the breakdown... I broke down for the last 2 months.... So I'm kinda over that part... I felt the anger and hurt already..... I had to go through it alone and alone is exactly what I was.... I don't want someone who has to THINK about if I'm the person he wants to be with... I want a guy who wonders how he ever did it without me.... I told him to let me know when he decideds what he wants.... Im giving him time.... and when he tells me... IF he tells me.... Maybe it will matter and maybe it won't... Mybe I'll need time to determin how much I care... So now.... I'm kinda relieved.... I busted out on Friday with "I'm single again, back on the prowl-cuz I thought he was perfect and now I don't know how..... Cuz I'm single again!" I sent that to WHOA! lol

So Whoa stayed with me on Friday night- I know what you're thinking and YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!! hahahaha... ok I'm kidding.... however he DID kiss me.... and I felt so wanted and needed and it felt good again.... I couldn't go beyond that for a lot of reasons and he didn't want to because he said "he likes me too much to do that" I told him "fast start fast finish" and I don't want to do that..... but just being in his arms was great!

I went out with Mz Celebrity and Mz Jamaica too! here for the weekend from ATL!!! we partied like rock stars! Tore up VIP every night and so many exclusive pool parties I can't even tell you!! Whoa kept in touch the whole time.... concerned.... yesterday was the highlight though- we went to drink and I had 2 double shots of liquid cocaine which made me have random uncontrollable outbursts of emotion..... I was crying and then laughing..... Ppl sure didn't help.... I got to catch up with all my football buddies which made my weekend cuz they really are some great guys (despite what you'll hear) and we always have fun! I was passed out on the hotel floor and then throwing up.... within 45 min i had gotten my act together and was able to shower so we could go out.... lol... ya I'm a soldier!

Whoa called in the midst of my throwing up binge and purge session and got all worried... so we met up and he wanted to know why I was drinking so much..... after cutting me off from drinks for the rest of the night he said "go out and party and flirt but don't drink anymore and let what happens on the dance floor stay there.... no numbers!" lol.... he's so cute when he puts his foot down.

I don't want to like him so much cuz I don't want to get hurt but he has just been there for me so much I don't know what I would have done without him.... and he didn't force anything..... It's so hard for me not to touch him.... is that weird? I just want him around and I like it when he is..... I hope I can trust him the way he says I can.... last night he said he was gonna be a good boy and go to sleep if he wasn't gonna see me.... I asked if thats a hard choice to make.... he said "not at all" because its worth it when you have someone who REALLY cares about you.... I like that- Clubs are not my thing any more... Unless I can be there with the person who matters to me most..... or my girls.... I just don't feel the need.... and that's a sign of growing up so I like it!

TRUTH... or... DARE??

So,.... I had an important choice to make.... Something has BEEN on my mind and I'm so tired.... do you have ANY idea how frustrating and tiresome it is to WANT something yet hold yourself back? It's enough to make you wana cry, scream, eat ice cream (when ur LACTOSE).... lol ok seriously..... I have been holding myself back from telling WHOA the TRUTH.... how I feel... and I just couldn't do it anymore... I have wanted to say it for so long.... but I couldn't...

But I had a chance to speak to Mz Brown and I realized.... its about a lot more than compromising yourself and what you feel you want and DESERVE.... it's about finding a PEACE.... someone who will compliment you.... The world is FULL of LOUD THUNDER.... I just need to find my SILENCE.... someone that can keep the PEACE and QUIET when my world is crashing buildings and banging bombs!!

On a serious tip- I don't know where Up is right now.... BUT.... my dad always said "When it gets THAT bad, when there is nothing worse, when you hit rock bottom..... it can only get better"
Thanks Dad.... I think I get it now....

B-day and Casting

Wow.... this weekend was Hammer's B-day.... I had to work on the Sony commercial.... but he did call me... he said that morning he went to church... which I was happy about, he went home and slept and he says a lot of ppl were blowing him up with the HAPPY B_DAY's so I was happy about that.... For a moment I remembered MY last birthday- and it sucked! and I got a lil sad thinking about a repeat this year... I got nervous about someone close to me letting me down again..... I don't know what I would do if I had to handle that this year....... I asked Hammer if he'll be able to be here for it.... or if we could celebrate it together early.... he said he'll be down here for July so I'm trying not to worry so much..... ALTHOUGH his timing record is way off.... and he never seems to hold up HIS end of the bargain..... What can I do right? "put up and shut up" OR "Leave"......

Anyway.... He explained his disappearance... and it does make sense... but I told him tat next time he should call me and let me know he won't be reachable for a period of time... this way I won't worry..... He agreed..... It's getting a little easier for me to simply accept and move on.... I'm not so sure that's a good thing but.... I'm trying my BEST to be optimistic....

Whoa is really sick.... has been for a few days now... I was gonna stop by and make him some hot tea again but he was throwing up and couldn't talk and I couldn't remember how to get to his condo so I just went home- He wants me to come by later today so I'll be making that trip... I'm such a good friend **Patting myself on the back** = )

Last night I had the casting.... I really think I did well but I guess you never really know.... if someone else with more experience was all around BETTER- I don't have a shot in hell.... it WAS my 3rd casting EVER so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself..... It's a lot harder this way.... usually I just get booked... but to get thrown in the mill with 500 other girls who are either beautiful OR talented.... neither OR BOTH..... lol.... it's not easy.... but it is an experience anyone and everyone in the "Bizz" should be familiar with... nothing in this world comes easy.... not entirely anyway....

So there's this NEW guy "Great Pretender"....met him the other day on the set- 26, 6'3", X ball player, ambitious, no kids but a gf of 2 years.... we are really kool.... I mean that! In no way would I ever wanna disrespect my relationship OR his.... we showed each other pix of our "hearts" and shared stories... he's cute though.... said he had to "build up the courage to speak to me". When Rob called me he got jealous cuz I got so happy... He says he likes me cuz I'm so easy to talk to.... And when we are on the set together it's PURE COMEDY!!! I hope we stay friends....

9 Month Anniversary!!!

And so today marked 9 months.... I can't believe Hammer and I made it this far! I must admit that there have been some moments when I questioned if we would last..... I wasn't sure that I could stand it- But at the end of it all.... I am so happy to have him! He is happy about today too! We talked about the fact that distance is a "right now" thing and not a "forever" thing and that thought is comforting....

If only I was there... Hammer and I really could work! We have so much in common... so many things we agree on.... so many things we both love.... And Our only "issue" IS distance.... I just don't think that's a good enough reason to leave someone..... He said the last 9 months were good for him and that the flew by.... lol.....

I'm so sad.... I really love my friends but I'm starting to see where I need to let some go.... Why should I allow them to taint my image of worth and value in not only myself but the other ppl around me? I shouldn't! There was a time when I had an issue with some girls.... but these days my issues are more with the underhanded trickery of the males I "know". for example... Mr Mayo... lol... he sees these little things... loop holes... and he really thinks that as long as he uses a "loop hole" he is not wrong.... but trying to trick me into spending time with you.... or making me feel bad for NOT falling for your BULL SHIT is NOT by any means being a friend...... Love me enough to let me go! Let me go on with my life and be there as a friend or just go on without me.... But why does it have to be like that? Why must you be so selfish? If you're THAT selfish already.... You are not READY to have a relationship.... this shit is not all about you! geez! Realizing its not all about me kept ur ass around... but how long must I put up with that? I may be confused about a lot of things right now but that is definately NOT one of them... I just wana dedicate "SCREAM" by Michael/ Janet Jackson to these fools! "JUST STOP PRESSURING ME< JUST STOP!"



Despite it all- I LOVE My Boyfriend

He's Back- I'm Lost...

OMG!!!! I was busy at work- working!!! DUH! ... praying that HAmmer's screen name would STAY signed off so that if he wasn't talking to me at least I knew he wasn't talking to everyone else.... but at the same time, wishing he WOULD sign on so that the possibility of communication was there...

Suddenly, I heard HIM sign on (he has his own special sound lol) followed by "HEY" - Hammer was Backkk!! And all at once I was angry as hell, Happier than I ever thought I could be and SICK.... I almost threw up my whole stomach!

Turns out he was in Oklahoma helping his sis- he is completely oblivious to the fact that I have not slept right in a week and a half worrying about him and stressed into tears! I love him so much.... but I'm hurt that he would just disappear like that and not tell me.... Then again... part of me says "STOP BEING SO DAMN SELFISH!" because I know he handles things different than me.... he is very introverted.... if something is wrong he shuts down and fixes it.... when all is well again he comes back to earth.....I should accept that..... but I just have a hard time with it....

OMG! I feel so bad.... but relieved... I am a walking contradiction! What do I do? I can't think straight right now.... I feel like he abandonded me when I needed him most... he just wasn't there for me... and at that very moment he wouldn't even let me in to his situation.... But the thing is... he doesn't even know he did it.... how could he? I never said so.... And whose fault is that? MINE! More over.... I asked if I will be seeing him soon ... he said yes,... that he's setting something up and he's going to GA in a few days.....

***Friday is our 9 month anniversary and Sunday is his Birthday***

In The Studio...

Last night after work I went to the studio.... Whoa was busy trying to write his next song.... and also recording for FloRida... While he was busy doing that.... he let me listen to a track.... I was suddenly inspired by everything going on and wrote a verse and a hook!!! lol..... We had fun chillin and goofing off.... He actually told his MANAGER that I was his NEW g/f... lol.... I asked "as opposed to ur OLD one?" lol.... his manager said "ur the only one- there was no old one" lol

I'm so confused right now... I AM Hammer's.... I am with him, right? I mean... I think- I don't even know what I think.... All I do know for sure is that I enjoy haveing Whoa in my life and I love Hammer... I can't turn that off... either one. It's like- Hammer is hurting me but I don't know why.... And Whoa is all too eager to offer refuge from the pain.... he wants to "save" me from this.... But how do I know he won't do the same?? Every guy who has ever "saved" me, has in turn done the exact same thing to me....

And then there's the little matter of Pimp'n- If I did end up with Whoa I would have to give up the friendship...That's just the rule... BUT- Pimp'n has BEEN there for me- as a friend, ALWAYS! and when I needed a place to crash I slept in his bed, when he was hungry I cooked.... Shit! He has never tried me! never tried to make a move on me or anything.... He just kept it real and I was "FAM" - I AM his fam! he treats me like a lil sister... And I'm not ready to give that up- not for a "shot at love"... Love has not proved to be there for me.. so why should I risk it ALL again?

I don't know,.... I don't want to believe in love anymore- It just hurts too much- Finding the right person is like winning LOTTO! Do u know the slim to none chances of that??? That means I have to keeping trying knowing that I'm probably STILL wrong.... To inflict pain on urself like that... I mean serious pain like that.... That's crazy right? Who wants to go through that? I have been cursed with this desire to find my "perfection" so even though it hurts like hell I can't stop myself from jumping back out there.... no matter how much I really do fight it- AND I FIGHT IT ALL THE TIME!

Why is it so hard for me to find a guy who just wants me? A guy with goals, ambition, morals, and a HOT ASS! lol... j/k about that last part- but seriously tho.... When will it be MY turn?

Can't live with 'em- Can't kill 'em!!!

I have had the chance to meet many "men".... most as FRIENDS and some as "perspective suitors" lol..... and this is what I have learned....

Men don't change.... they either ARE the person you want or they aren't- Accept it cuz you can't fight it!!

MOST men see things 2 ways... the way they know someone else will WANT them to do something and the way the will end up doing something, despite the consequences...

A man can be a blessing in a woman's life that will push her to excel or a crutch that enables her to accept underachievement as her way of life.

A "good man" is simply a man who you have not CAUGHT doing wrong YET

Not ALL men cheat, not ALL men lie, Not ALL men are bad.... But ALL MEN DO *F* UP with time

You can see how a man will treat you based on his relationship with his mother and sisters, female cousins etc... (See how he treats his X's- Cuz one day, realty says "You MAY be one of them)

A man will prove he CARES by sacrificing his "boys" for his woman, BUT she can never replace them... And once he knows he has WON her... the sacrifice will be less apparent

While it is true that everyone makes mistakes, IF you keep a man who lies, cheats, or hurts you- he WILL at some point in time do it again- because subconciensly, he feels he "got away with it before"

Every man needs his ego stroked from time to time

Every man WANTS a little bit of a "Suzzie home-maker" in his woman

If you make a man work to get what he wants he will appreciate it, If you give it to him too easily... he will use it up and spit it out...

The men who say they don't have "game" are running it as he speaks... "LACK of GAME" is his game! CATCH ON!

You can teach an old dog new tricks FASTER than you can teach a man new ways of life

Attraction IS KEY! Keep your man entertained or you WILL lose him!

A Man will not say what he wants in so many words... but his "wandering eyes" "subtle comments" "camparisons to his mother" and "need to be WITH or withOUT you" will scream very loud if you just PAY ATTENTION...

I have learned so much from all my experiences... and can you believe there is a so much I have yet to see.... Im exhausted just thinking about that!!! But at the end of the day... From now on I will make a list of all the "FLAWS" I see in a "perspective suitor" and decide if those are things I can live with.... Because the bottom line is that I can't change those things...

***On another note, Last night Zoz called me again night.... said he just wanted to check on me and see how my week was... I am not gonna lie, I was happy to hear from him, to know he actually saved my number and cared enough in that moment to use it.... it was familiar to me... at the end of a great convo I told him I had just gotten home... He said since I was home with MY MAN now he would let me go so as to avoid being disrespectful.... I didn't have it in me to correct him.... so I let it ride with a "that's kool, TTYL"--- WHAT's my PROBLEM??? thats the SECOND time I have not corrected him about that.... Oh well,... Whoa is also making his presence KNOWN.... He wants me to be HIS girl..... And I have had to push him 5 feet back many times before.... But given my current situation... I can't help but WANT to give in- The good girl in me won't allow it! Just is not having that crap! But the sad part of me is finding it harder and harder to fight it.... What's happening here? This can not be good = ( ***

I find myself not wanting to be alone these days.... I just work so much and I'm happy with that... but I want to feel like someone misses me.... like someone has thought of me- I wana see a missed call on my phone that makes me heart jump,.... I want someone to WANT my time.... Maybe I am just entering that "needy" part of my life..... Thoughts?

NoneYa= None of ur bizz!!

You know.... Today is really making me think- **Ms. Celebrity** had what she thought was "Perfection"... there were moments when she swore this was it.... she had finally experienced her last first kiss.... She thought this time she must have done it right because this time was working... but she had the carpet ripped right out from under her. And she is crashing... My heart goes out to her.... not for pity but because I can relate to her... And I know how bad it hurts

Ms. Celebrity has taken a very different approach though. She made a public announcement and is currently the talk of the town... I have "center of attention" for the very same thing she is and it hurts... The fingers pointing, the whispers, the "I told you so" that people are never too shy to share. When it was my turn, I dug myself a deep hole and climbed in.... I made myself very comfortable in the hole because I knew I would have to stay in there for a while....

Needless to say- I was lonelyand scared of facing myself much less the judgement of others... I have recently had to come to terms with the increasing number of people who wish me back in that hole. For their own selfish reasons, they would love to see my world come crashing down.... I feel like saying "Come on guys, I may be hurt and vulnerable... but I'm NOT gonna climb in bed with YOU to "feel better" about myself.... THAT would actually make me feel WORSE!!!" AND " Any guy who would wish bad things on me, no matter WHAT ur reasons are, I see right thru you and I would rather be alone and in PAIN than to come to you for ANYthing- EVER!!! YOU SUCK as a person and I'm just glad God didn't make me "experience" YOU to figure that out!"

I have come to the conclusion that if I have to face the reality that perhaps my "Perfection" is not what I thought... I will make the necessary changes in my own time.... I will not make any "public service announcement" or "declaration of freedom" and I will continue to do me.... The rest of the world will just have to catch up later... after I'm over it and on my way to happier times that is...

Perhaps??

Ya you guessed it! Today was day 2 of the commercial! And Lets just say I have a lot to catch you up on!!!

Last night Whoa stayed over....hahaha- NOT what you think! He slept on the floor and I slept on the couch- THE WHOLE NIGHT! but we stayed up talking and I was really upset so it was good for me... I woke up with burning eyes and a swollen face from crying but I was in a better place... I was feeling better and more at peace with the situation..... we woke up to laughter and jokes... and some real talk! lol...

I also spoke to Delanie who agreed that I should definately "raise the bar" and not allow Hammer to hurt me.... not allow myself to hurt me. I have to take control of the situation and move from there... I think part of me is ok now because of Whoa and Ron..... part of me is still set in my ways though.

Work was awesome! I was tired as all hell and worked my lil butt off but I was satisfied in the end to see that I had accomplised so much... and guess what.... they asked me to work next weekend too!!!! hahaha! Thurs-Sun!!!! Ya- Ya girl is seriously on her grind right now... and so seriously not letting up! The one thing I can count on is myself! and this right here is all me baby!!! I'm gonna stack it up!!

I think this is all teaching me a lot... about myself, others, and the way I want to be treated..... I am going to be very up front in what I want, expect, and will not put up with.... ya... I'm def looking forward to unny days.... Now, if I could just get these damn clouds to move a lil faster... LOL

Sony Commercial Day 1

So today was the BIG day! I have been so excited just anticipating how today's shoot would be.... all the cool things that were sure to happen..... And yet my day was.... a bit stressful...

As I started out- I was lost and by a stroke of luck (which I like to think is God letting me know it'll be OK) I ran into someone who showed me where to go... he happened to be one of the CREW.... After a while I made friends with some people I didn't work with before and got to see a lot of people I recently did some jobs with- We had a lot of fun! Until Bill had to be taken away by the paramedics... I was so scared for him... He was on the roof and fell out into a seizure... he was foaming at the mouth and all.... when they were finally able to get him to stop he couldn't remember it had happened at all... all I could think of was Static- Today was the funeral in Kentucky and I obviously couldn't go....

I couldn't stop thinking about Hammer all day... I don't know what is wrong and it's kind of freaking me out... I'm hurting for him and I don't even know why.... Hammer says everything between he and I are good... But I need to hear it again to believe it.... Sometimes my mind says to just let it all go... to just exhale and move forward without all this... but my heart won't let me.... I just can't... And I think that hurts me more....

Now here I am..... By myself... And I must say.... These days I have felt more alone than ever before... I don't know what I'm going thru but I sure wish this faze would pass already... I don't think I can take too much more.... Well,... I guess I can get myself ready for bed... tomorrow is day two of the commercial... and who knows what's gonna happen,...