New Year= New Me

Loving myself has never been so easy for me. Believing in my dreams has not come easy either. Every year I make resolutions to do things differently but I never do.... Those dreams only last for a couple months and then I go back to the same old me.... But I think that's because I don't have anyone to be accountable to. I put myself last too many times...

I have sacrificed my modeling time and appointments to help others with theirs- I refuse to do that this time around! Whoa has his dreams and he is perusing them- with or without me... and I just have to understand that. So as much as I want to be there for him- I am putting myself first. So far I have done that once this year. I was supposed to help him with something and I got a call asking me to work a news broadcast for the same time frame.... Needless to say- I took it! And not only do I get PAID... but I got great exposure and I got booked for a big show this weekend! I think that is sign enough that I am doing right by myself. And Whoa got helped anyway,.... but AFTER my time.... Not before! and that's how it should be!

My book idea has been floating around in the air for EVER and I never had the guts to move forward with it.... Well this year I am working on it... I am working HARD and if it doesn't take off...... at least I will have tried! but if it does... I won't have to go back to the 9-5 world I despise so much!

I have decided not to put my relationship as TOP PRIORITY... Do I love my boyfriend? YES.. Do I have faith that we can make this work? YES... Do I want to be with Whoa for time and time to come? YES... But I know now that I can't change anything and history will be what it is meant to be.... So I can stop stressing it and work on me...

The changes started with my hair... I colored it and then I cut bangs... this new me is not just on the outside.... It's a total change and a much needed one at that! I am going to do what I need to do to be proud of who I am! I cut my friends down and I am entering this year with great people!

I must admit that every once in a while I find things out that bother me about WHOA... things like condoms he told me he didn't have, I find pictures of females and small behaviors that don't seem to add up... But I also know that there are some things about me that wouldn't make sense unless someone came to me and asked... well since that's not gonna happen,.. I am just observing.... and if he chooses to screw around on me and I find out.... that will tell me he doesn't mind losing the best thing he ever had (ME).... an X and now GREAT friend of mine (Ju) had this to say when I told him what I had found....

"Baby, if you go looking for dirt, yo ass is gonna get filthy! You need to look in the mirror and see what I see... You are too beautiful of a person both inside and out to sell yourself so short.... if that nigga is dumb enough to let you go... (like he was) then that's his bad and you will be just fine! Too many niggas out here would LOVE to come home to you!" I felt better after that... and funny enough... guys KEEP trying to date me... But I respect my relationship too much for that... It's just nice to know I won't be lonely for very long is he gets dumb one day! lol...

We made it a YEAR!! and I am so happy about that!!

>>>side bar<<<

How about Hammer is coming down to visit! He and I keep in contact and I am really glad about that! If nothing else, he is a good friend! and I plan on keeping us how we are! Funny how you can be head over heels for someone and once they hurt you enough,... the love you feel for them changes into something else... for me the hurt turns to anger then pity and eventually a general concern for your well being... but the love is forever gone... hmmmm...