Bad feelings.....

Ok-so here I am again- sitting in the studio and loving every min of it! I guess I can start this off with Mz Brown b-cuz that is the one thing I am the happiest about.... So she came to the house last nmight and we all talked... Things went really well because I found out that she didn't just stop coming around because she had picked sides... turns out she was never really mad at me or Mz Kay in the first place. She said it is just hard for her to spend so much time with J-Mo and then to come hang with us... she was torn and felt that he needed her attention more than us because we are fine and he is really unstable right now.....

C-Pooh'z X before me wanted a baby more than anything... apparently she slept with anything she could find to get one... now she has one and she also now has full blown AIDS and was supposed to pass away on thanksgiving but she is still here.... I can't decide if I should go visit or not- I know I didn't really know her but I just feel like it must be really lonely and hard to know any day now you will die... she has been in there for the last year so I hope the pain ends sooner for her than later.. I know thats not the best thught ever but I mean it only so she won't be in pain. Mz Brown wants me to go with her to see her.... She said she has patches of hair, she's too weak to lift her hand, her lungs are so far gone she can barely speak and she has to pump morphine constantly....

Mama Dukes also JUST called me and told me that she had a dream about her mom.... My grandmother was my favorite person in the world... especially when my dad and I got on a rocky path... but she did some things and it was hard to forgive her- i was the ONLY one in my family who couldn't hold on to the anger.... The last time I saw her she didn't know who I was and at my age it was hard to deal with that.... They want me to go see her this weekend because my mom thinks she might pass soon- she had a dream about her.... and she IS 84 now so I guess she has a point... Why is it so damn hard for me to deal with death and the possibility of?? My other grandmother seems so sad now too and I get the worst feeling in the world about her.... I love her to pieces and if anything ever happened.... I don't think the guilt would be something easy to deal with.... Shr and my great aunt lay the guilt trips on pretty thick everytime we talk so... IDK....

Back!

Ok- so I know it has been a while since I wrote- Been so backed up in my own thoughts I needed time to gather myself before I would be able to write.... but I guess I'm back now.... To sum things up... Whoa and I are stronger now than EVER! We spend sooo much time together and I love it! He loves the way I take care of him and I love that he gives a damn how I feel. He does for me and I do for him... To be very honest I was starting to fall into a pool of doubt because I was so scared we were drifting... my mind was just some place else... but the he went to Texas and I went on vacation and that trip gave me a chance to think about what it is I want and what I am and am NOT willing to do or give up to get it. Well,. nothing is perfect but I want this time together to last.... As it is I have been in the studio ALL day and I'm still here.. we work out together, play games together, run errands, cook, go to movies, all together... and he even met my mom... They like each other and they even talk sometimes! He's letting me into his world more and that's all I really wanted.

On another note... Delanie and Dread are doing well... looking for me to give them a therapy session. Apparently ALL my friends feel like I should be a therapist because while I SUCK with my own choices... I am awesome at advising other ppl and opening their eyes to what else they may not see... or want to.

Meanwhile, Brother bear and his lady are no more.... They ended and All I know is that she needed to be in rehab and what was meant to be a short amount of time turned into a long, drawn out, unfortunate string of events.... I'm so sad for them... just because they are both good ppl. But no matter how much we may want it to work out.... some things just are not meant to be. This is a lesson J-Mo and Mz Kay learned too. she decided it and he was VERY upset. J-Mo keeps showing up to the house... finding every reason he can and then crossed the line when he publicly dragged Mz Kay arund a parking lot trying to profess his undying love for her. I think that really scared her more than anything and after that I am not too sure she would EVER even consider going back. I can't tell J-mo this in so many words... right now the possibility is all he really has,... I am very honest about the truth though. I wouldn't set him up for failure- although- When it was me loving C-pooh (his brother) he kept me around as a personal play toy for him. But I'm not that kind of person.

Mr Mayo doesn't talk to me AT ALL these days... can't say I'm too sad about that. Part of me wants the friendship... But the other part of me knows now that he was never my FRIEND... he just manipulates things and waits until you are weak enough for him to pounce on you like a wild lion.... I'm just tired of the disrespect and lack of concern for my well-being. I love Mr Mayo for who I thought he was... and should he ever become that person- I am here with open arms.... But I doubt it- so I won't hold my breath!

The whole group has dispersed itself and even Mz Brown and AKA won't come around anymore. I know AKA only came around for all the WRONG reasons but Mz Brown was one I thought would never pick sides... I guess I was wrong... or maybe she just chose not to be in it at all... o well.... I miss her but what can I do? Nothing.

I just can't give up now...

Things have been tight.... This much is true... But I am seeing the light now.... I have been offered to walk in MIA fashion week which is one goal I can check off in just a few weeks! I walked in Rohan Marley's show and they just called to offer me a 2,000.00 job in the Islands! one weekend! I still have to run this past my agent but all in all.... I am just glad to be considered for these things.... That's a step in the RIGHT direction!!! Jerry from the Production crew I work with FINALLY called me last night to offer me a job on the set of Weezy F. Baby's video and I am overly excited just to be back in the groove with him! I did win runner-up in the MIA fashion show and with that comes prizes and fashion spreads PLUS an ad so even though I was disappointed not to be #1, #2 still has it's benefits and I plan to make the MOST of all of them!

I saw my old boss the other day.... Boss lady has always been kool but I guess I always felt like she gets surprised by hearing I am doing or living my dream..... I guess she is one of the people who would like to believe in me but her understanding of the "real world" won't really let her.... I feel the doubt she has in me every time we talk.... but I still love her.... She just gives me one more thing to work for....

I have an agent now! Just got signed last week so it's BRAND new but his name is Beno Dovratzi and he is AMAZING! so I'm excited that HE sees potential in me! He saw my walk, took my measurements, was baffled that I was not already signed and on the spot signed a contract with me. I hope that was the right move... I'm having faith that God is lining things up for me and my time is coming....

After all is said and done.... I don't know what the future holds... that is for SURE, but I just came too far to give it all up now.... the bumps in the road are making me stronger and the tests along the way are each preparing me for the NEXT.... all I need to do is book a NATIONAL campaign

Whoa and I are both making our way but he is genuinely happy for me.... As I fully support him.... I have to admit that over this past month I have been on a constant roller coaster with him.... but I'm STILL HERE WITH HIM.... and at the end of the day being with him makes me feel like I can do anything.... I know I can live and follow my dreams and be successful even if he were to walk away tomorrow but when I have doubted myself he still believes in me and I love that... I just can't wait for us to be more stable again so we can relax and have time for eachother like we used to.... but we are both on our grind right now and I respect that. Better we BOTH grind then just ME.... it's always been one sided for me in the past and right now I'm just not going through this all alone....

I got my Mo-Jo back!

So I needed some time away to adjust to everything.... sadly my great plan for unemployment took a nasty turn for the worst! The company decided to hold my severance pay and I STILL have not collected that! Because they held everything.. They held my Financial aid AND prevented me from getting unemployment! I am going on 3 weeks with NO pay and I am feeling the squeeze! I asked Hammer for the money I loaned him in December... only 260.00 but that is still needed! And trust me... asking him for that was no easy task! I damn near was in tears doing it! But hopefully he was not lying when he said he would have it for me this week.... How will I ask for it again???

Then Whoa has been out of town for a week and a half! I am so lonely! But he sends me messages EVERY DAY about how much he misses me... On top of THAT, he has called me at least 4 nights early in the morning (3-4 a.m.) Just to talk and fall asleep with me:) ya, I feel so Blessed to be with him right now! He gets back in about a week so I'm happy about that n I really can't wait!!!

I had to get my mo-jo back! I have been down and out and caught up feeling bad for myself AND confused AND a bit scared since I am not in a comfortable situation... but I got up and went on a casting call the other day... I made some crazy connects and turns out I am supposed to do an Ed Hardy show as well as one for Marley and that's this month! Doors are opening and I am going to run in! I felt good with all the great feedback I have been getting and I have got to make something happen- soon!

Church has been more than awesome for me.. I go and I feel happy and like someone DOES understand me and what I'm going thru...i suppose that's the whole point right lol... well it feels good!

Dress-Up

I have been up and down with Whoa lately but not in a super sad way- He has just been going through a lot and so have I... So I was ever so happy to go down to MIA to chill with him at the studio yesterday before be had to go out of town again- I brought lunch and we ate together and talked about a lot of things.... He was sorry for leaving me out of some things.... I told him that I'm supposed to be his best friend and I just don't want to be left out- I don't want to be the LAST person he feels the need to tell about something... He understood and said he didn't mean to make me feel any type of way- I saw his point of view and now he was seeing mine... My car died right before I left so after a great conversation my baby came to the rescue and fixed my car.... He is calling me a lot more frequently and I respect that...

He wound up not leaving when he thought so he called me last night and wanted to come by... He asked me to "dress up" really sexy for him... I actually had an outfit from hustler and some stripper heels... I also had the patron he keeps at my place and an "adult card game" for us to play- he totally got hypnotized by my whole EVERYTHING and I ROCKED his world!!! he won the first game and I won the second... either way- let's just say we both got everything we wanted! We gave each other massages and experimented with massage oils! lol he had a great time ripping everything off of me... We decided that we now LOVE this kind of thing so I KNOW I will be giving him a lil show every once in a while... he held on to me like he was scared I would leave ALL night!

Then this morning when we got up we took our first shower together... It was lovely! It's not like we are all about sex or anything... we just talked and I rubbed his back and we laughed and had great conversation in the Steamy shower! I have never felt like this with anyone EVER before! I just feel like everything FITS! and I don't even have to try! After that we got dressed together and played around until it was time for him to leave and me to get my car checked... He doesn't want me to leave him... He LOVES what we have and says that of everything going on he doesn't want to lose ME! He's working really hard and I love him for that! I am just glad that we have each other! this is now 5 months of "US" - him being the man in my life and almost a year of him being my Best friend!

Haters can't touch what we have- although this past weekend they tried... that's a WHOLE LOOONNNGGG story but at the end of the day he knows everything they did and said and is totally backing ME! He said "Fuck those lame ass fake ppl who pretend to be my friend" more specifically he said that towards Mr Mayo!

So Sick...

So Thursday I was leaving Whoa's house after my first night EVER sleeping at HIS place.... we always stay at my place because we happen to be up in that area and he's rarely ever home..... But this night he was too tired to drive but we wanted to see each other so I went down there.... Aside from hydroplaning and having issues with his gate keeper (that skank bitch almost got stole dead in the face I was so pissed) But once I was in his arms.... I was ok again..... We had a wonderful night- jokes and talking about everything even though we were both sooo tired- but not too tired to make love..... lol- so we did and then cuddled till we fell asleep.... He left the window open though so when I got up the next morning my throat was burning..... I was losing my voice and it hurt to talk...... He sent me off to work and he did the same.....

Turns out he felt as bad as I did by Friday night and had a terrible fever.... Both he and I lost our voices completely and he wound up in the hospital.... He's got tonsillitis and I had out-patient surgery followed by a coloscopy so we oddly enough both ended up on some of the same medications. he's been sleeping a lot so we haven't talked much but he says he misses me and Lord knows I miss him too!

He can't talk and up until this morning I couldn't either.... but hopefully he will be better soon and so will I....When I told him about me he said "DAMN!!! We're F'ed Up!" lol- That's us..... we seem to be in sync these days.... even when one is sick- so is the other! lmao! I must admit- I still have my doubts... I can't help that- I wonder about things and choices..... I wonder about the future and if James and I will have one together.... But I just don't see the end for us.....

He remembers NOW wat he had

So I'm just ending the conversation between Hammer and I- He wrote me.... asking about me and my family... Telling me about his and things going on... He was interested in everything I had to say... This was over the instant messenger so..... I told him about me getting layed off.... he said he was sorry and that he was here to help me if I ever need anything...I thought that was oddly NICE! and didn't think too much of it- then he said that he has the place in ATL and that if I need it anytime I can stay there... He said that he won't be back there until Dec. I was throwed! I couldn't believe this conversation... He sent me a bunch of pictures of him and his friends and asked for some of me... I sent him a few from my birthday weekend and he said that I am still as beautiful as ever.... He said that he planned to come check me this month but had family issues... but that he has a feeling he will be chilling with me some time soon... OK- That rocked my world a bit- I mean.... he didn't stop talking even once... said that I was always an awesome person and shouldn't ever let any one change that. He doesn't know about WHOA... He says that he doesn't want me to ever think he forgot about me cuz he hasn't- not once... and that he reads all my away messages just to make sure I'm ok and see how I'm doing.. I was shocked! but I had a feeling he might still do that because a few times he has asked me who I'm talking to in them. lol... I have to admit- this was very unexpected... I feel like he misses me... But then- why shouldn't he? I was a great girlfriend to him... and that's not being cocky- I really was... I was understanding- not a nag, I cooked and cleaned.. I dealt with HIS schd and put mine on the back burner... I closed his house for goodness sake! loaned his homeboy 260.00 to drive from here to ATL... I mean damn! I gave him back rubs in the middle of the night... I catered to his every need- I bought HIM gifts for every occasion even though he never got me one.. I was thoughtful and did everything short of stepping out of character for him..... I loved to take care of him... But... I didn't feel like he was even half as concerned for me... Funny how he remembers what he had... how he thinks back on who was there for him... I cleaned his house just because I knew he would be too tired to do it... and when he was injured- I took care of him... but when I had the flu- he was too "busy" to come look after me... I had to beg.... So i duno- I feel good knowing that NOW he finally appreciates me as a person... But Whoa- He's really looked out for me and while he isn't perfect.... I don't need perfection... I just need effort.

Ask, and yee shall receive...

As we know- I have been trying to figure out my next move... Isn't it funny that when you are going through something everything seems to touch on that subject a little? Well, Church has been focused partially on "daring to Pray BIG" my pastor made a great point that we tend to be "safe" and pray these wimpy little prayers... Prayers that are not heart felt, not truly what we need.... we ask things in general and not case specific... But God is GREAT and can do ANYTHING... therefore, we should dare to Pray BIG... not safe! I asked for help and I have been asking..... I asked to be pointed in the "right" direction.... So I wrote Boss Man from the Art dept I work with- It's slow season so I wasn't sure how well the news would be received... I told him that I will be a full time student and that I hope this allows me a chance to work more with his team.... HE WROTE BACK! He told me to write him again next week!!! that he has a possible job for me coming up the first week of August! I am so happy! Even though this is not set in stone... It has only been 4 days since the news and the door is opening!!! I don't want to get too excited yet but I can't help but be thankful for this bit of help God is sending my way.... Tomorrow I will be reaching out to other resources and seeing if I can get any feedback from them....

Today's service was GREAT! I got my cousin to come with me and she instantly fell in love with it as I did.... It feels so good to be around family and today I spent the WHOLE day with her and my Brother.... I feel like I'm growing.... and hopefully I'm able to touch those around me.....

Position Terminated

So I have been up and down on what seems to be a downward spiral..... Let's just talk facts... After two years, my company is letting me go... They called me into a meeting and sprung it on me- I was hurt... they started by saying- please know this has nothing to do with your performance, we love having you with us BUT we are down sizing and have decided to terminate your position... This leaves you with two options-

1) We will give you a severance package if you choose to leave which includes 18 months of schooling on us

2) You can apply for one of two positions available, IF you interview and we select you, you will change locations but still be within the company

My heart fell through the chair... I couldn't speak- my mind froze and her words seemed to physically HURT- it took all of 3 min to say that to me- to devastate my world and after all that I realized that their day would go back to normal and mine would forever change... But she did utter that I have 2 weeks notice and my last day would be the 31st if I left the company...

The only thing I could think to do was nothing- I didn't fight back because there was nothing I could do- Then my boss called me in for my 2 year review which I thought was not appropriate timing but I did want to know what she thought of my service with the company- All I cared about was how she felt I had done since I know I busted my ASS for the past year with countless efforts and covering for people, going above and beyond what I should do.... She gave me the song and dance and gave me 3-5% when the max is 10% and last year I got 7%... My feelings were gone... I didn't want to hear anything or anyone... I was a mess and I resented her for kicking me while I was down with such a bogus claim of "you MEET but don't EXCEED expectations"

I picked up what was left of me and went home... I called Whoa to tell him as I tried to walk out with some pride and he helped me see the BIGGER picture... he was 100% supportive and I don't think I would see things this way if not for him.... He helped me look at my options and later came over just to make sure I was ok... I called my parents after and the funny thing is- they ALL said the same thing... Having the support of my fam AND boyfriend really got me going and thinking- I have to make this work! I have been going to church lately and I feel like I really need to have some FAITH- I went in to work the next day- Yesterday- with a plan. First was to take care of my co-workers... the ones I would leave behind... They were upset to hear but I didn't cry at all- I told them all that they would be FINE... that God doesn't close a door without opening one and now was MY TIME to find that new door- I told them they could come to me for help and support on anything until the day I leave and that I was more than willing to train them... Then I sent out emails to my team... telling them my decision... I told them all how wonderful they are and how blessed I feel to have had the chance to work with them... That i know we are all up in arms about this but we will all manage something.... I also wrote the director to thank her for her time and the opportunity but that I would have to decline the interview.... She thanked me.... (although she was cold and rude when she was telling me I was DONE- I want to go out with CLASS and that's something that THEY can't take from me).

My next order of business was to call HR, IRS, take care of school docs and file everything needed... I think I have set myself up to be ok- I hope so... and I want to use this time to follow my heart... I want to throw myself into the production and modeling I love so much- This may be the push I need... and if not- I will find something else. I'm a fighter... I still have a week and a half to finalize things at work and beyond that- God won't leave me out in the cold..... We shall see... Faith is not about what you see... It's about trusting what you can't... Believeing in something greater, BIGGER.... And I am really starting to understand that- There is a reason I have been led back to church at this point in my life- My guess is that he knew I would need him desperately at a time like this... And so I will continue to believe and show faith and pray and see this as a test...

Good News/ Bad News

Today is Wednesday and my PLAN was to go to work, and leave early for my studio time with Whoa... But last night while doing my hair he called and said "Baby, I have good news and Bad news... which do you want first?" I always take bad first.... he said the bad news is I have a closed session with Mr Words and I will not be able to have you there.... I'm sorry...." I immediately got sad and said... "what's the good news?" he said "since I can't spend tomorrow evening with you I'm on my way to your house and I'm staying with you all night" I was THRILLED! I LOVE to see him not matter how often- it always seems special! He asked if I wanted to see a movie so we planned to go and by the time he got to my house it was 9:00 and he had already gotten us tickets! That was too cute! He was starving so we went to get some food first and when we walked in I was all over the screen! one of the music videos I had done with Akon was playing and he said it was CRAZZZZY! lol- I said "YA! we're BOTH on TV! high 5" lol he laughed! I insisted being that I'm "gangsta" I could sneak his plate in the movies.... this was a big ass box so he doubted my skills! lol- I proved him WRONG!

When we got in my prince charming insisted on getting my a drink so he got it and I chilled in our seats.... The movie was long as all hell! "IRON MAN!" but it was worth it... and at one point poor thing was so tired he fell asleep on my shoulder holding on to me like I was his favorite stuffed animal! lol.... I was rubbing his head and he woke up and half asleep said "baby, are you ok? I'm sorry I fell asleep but I'm happy just being here with you...." and he proceeded to hug me and kiss my forehead and nose..... lol CUTE!

Last night we laughed and talked about a lot... he asked me about Hammer and I,... explicit details.... he told me about the moment he felt we became connected.... the night at the park- we road around doing nothing and he made me turn off the road and we ended up at a park in the middle of the night.... we went on the swings and talked for what felt like hours till it started to rain- then we talked in the car till the rain let up- that was the night I cherish MOST.... we have so many long talks.....

After my Doc appt today I went home where he still was- waiting for me and we talked for a while then went and had lunch at Wendy's.... lol... I was craving the hamburger soooo bad! we ate and talked there for an hour before we parted ways for the day...... it's happening.... we're becoming best friends! I love it- I feel like we can talk about anything and no matter how stupid I feel.... he won't judge me... not the way other people do..... He just relates....and if he can't relate... he just listens... I LOVE THAT!

Wednesday QT

Last night I was out shopping with Delanie when my FAV ring tone rang..... Whoa was just checking in on me to see how I was doing and to let me know that he was gonna leave the studio and be at my house for the night by midnight.... I was happy as always- I went home and took a nice long bubble bath to relax and found myself dozing off once 12 hit.... I called and text Whoa but got no reply so I figured he got caught up and was still recording so I went to sleep knowing if he called his ring tone would wake me...... at 5:00 in the morning I got a text from him saying he was sorry and such a loser for falling asleep at the studio... I text him back that it was ok and we would do it some other time... He called me at 7:00 to talk for a while....

He decided that while he normally only has closed sessions he is going to make the exception for me and Wednesday will be our day together in the studio! I was excited to hear that- He said I am a distraction since he is always wanting to be with me and talk and check up on me.... so I will be knocking out my homework or writing while he is working but at least we will be together... he told me about 2 X's... one he invited to the studio and she didn't want to go... he said it just wasn't her thing.... and the other (the last X) who he was with for 2 years and she is much older.... he said it was just a bad idea to ever have her there.... He didn't elaborate but I have been there with him a few times and we work well together....

He said he'll be working out his schd to make sure we have even more time together! I'm so happy right now! I didn't have to ask or anything.... I didn't even have to suggest... lol- I love my Whoa.... He wanted me to come down to the beach and hang with him today but I have work and class so- Tomorrow is Wednesday and we'll see eachother then :)

I asked why he has to record so much and he totally broke everything down for me.... Once he explains why he does things to me, I get it and it makes sense.... I feel like it's important that we keep our communication like it is.... we are only getting better with time and hopefully things continue to go so well!

MEANWHILE- String Bean keeps calling dumb late so I have just ignored him.... for every night he calls me late I simply don't speak for 2 days... so he text me yesterday that I do him wrong..... PLEASE! I text him back that if he would call me some time when I'm awake we would chat but since he only likes to call at 3-4 in the morning.... it can't happen.... he didn't like that and called me to tell me so- lol- he had to go back to work though so we didn't get to finish the conversation... I'm sure we will!

Hidden Frustration

Ever feel like you have walked into quick sand? Like fighting it or struggling only makes you sink deeper.... and no matter how quickly you think of ways to escape- your thoughts can't come to you fast enough....? Have you ever closed your eyes thinking if you just squeeze hard enough and then open them again everything that scared you will be gone and everything that was wrong will suddenly be right? Well,... I have... and each time is unlike the last... but the pattern or "chain of events" seems almost identical... One would think I should know better by now right? But to act as if I "Know better" is to act out of my character... I believe in second chances- Always have and sadly, always will. I know, I know... it's not really smart to just write off the bad in people as if you didn't see it because even if you block it out of your mind- that still exists.... I'm so tired though... Too tired to deal....

For Delanie's B-day we went to dinner where I was surrounded.... half by people I call my family and half by people who would call me their enemy... But I just prefer not to call them anything- to try and sum them up would take far more effort than I am willing or able to give them... I actually sat exactly at the point where both side's met (the middle) and ate dinner listening to foolishness (gossip and unkind words meant only for entertainment while picking at people they didn't even know but sat next to) and laughs... I was less than thrilled to be there but Delanie is definitely my homie and I would never desert her on her day because of the company she chooses to keep. I road it out and made sure she had fun, meanwhile, I was drained from the whole event.

Last night I cleaned my room... I just took everything apart and cleaned it from the beginning.... I know me- and something in my mind is not at ease because that's what I do when I'm frustrated or confused- I work it out by cleaning.... I feel the urge to make sense or take control of the things around me because I feel like I have lost control over something else in my world.

Normally I know exactly what it is that is hindering my ability to simply BE.... But right now I feel as though my mind has thrown a cloak over the issue and pushed it off to the side... Perhaps because that part of me is aware of how much I can and can't handle right now but it doesn't make me any less confused... and it certainly doesn't make me any less frustrated with myself.

Whoa watched fireworks with me and came to visit twice on July 4th... I was pleased! We had a great talk about our faith and where we both stand which made me very comfortable.... He was the one who wanted to talk until 4:30 in the morning! lol.... we had movie plans for Sunday after I got home from church but he had to work so we will simply go another time.... Speaking of CHURCH- I am happy to say that I have found a nice one that I want to go to again..... I have been looking for one for some time and never really found one that fit.... I think it's very important that everyone goes in their own time and that they are HAPPY where they choose to worship.... This place is nice and welcoming and Mz Kay and J-Mo invited me to go so it was easier than going alone.

Part of me is hoping that by going to church more regularly I might be able to get a closer look at myself and perhaps I'll find where I'm supposed to be.... I don't think that's a bad reason..... People go to find themselves all the time and if your heart is in the right place, if you are genuine and if you are willing to ask for help and guidance.... I do think you will find what your looking for... At least I hope...

"Wanted" and a ticket?

Sunday I told Whoa about my mom saying how she liked "Wanted" and how she said I should go with him.... he said Tuesday it was a date! lol... So I was excited for what I had to look forward to... Mz Fabulous had asked that we all go to her condo in Aventura so we could film her commercial for her upcoming birthday extravaganza!! So I road with Mz Kay down there and we had a lot of fun with "the ladies" filming our scenes! I had to leave a bit early though because Whoa had asked that I get the latest movie showing time and he was determined to see SOMETHING! lol-

I had J-Mo drop me off there and the ticket girl told me that the movie was PACKED! even at 10:50 at night on a TUESDAY! I was BLOWN and slightly upset but happy I would at least see my boo any min....... He walked up and asked if I had the tickets so he could pay me back- I told him what the ticket lady said and he went, bought two tickets and proceeded to check for seats for us.... he called me while I had just finished getting my chili cheeses fries and walked me in to two FRONT ROW seats! LMAO.... then he left to get nachos and drinks for us both.... I shared my fries and boy was he starving... he was really glad I was finally able to eat some chili and cheese off the top....... lol- during the movie he dozed off a little (my poor baby was so sleepy from working so hard) and he actually pooted! lmao! It was so funny- he just looked at me and said "Now we're broken in" and smiled....

After the movie he took me home where he also spent the night and we stayed up talking and watching TV for a while.... we dozed off and I decided to sleep in a little since we were up so late and we had a great morning talk so I wasn't in a rush..... when we finally parted ways with my kiss I hit the road and got a ticket! stupid ass cop pissed me off! and on top of it I know I wasn't going as fast as he SAID he clocked me at.... but whatever- now I have a 200.00 ticket! I'm trying to be calm..... my birthday is coming up really soon and I planned on using my extra money for other things..... but I'm gonna just chill and not stress if possible and see how things work out....

"I just need to be alone..."

After spending such magical time with Whoa last week I was excited to think of the NEXT time we would share.... Thursday and Friday we had plans but those fell through and I have learned to go with it... It's crazy cuz I don't feel horrible anymore- I just know that when things don't work out he always seems to find a way to make it up to me.... We were talking Thursday after I got signed to that management team- He was really happy for me and I was please with my damn self! LOL but our "walk on the beach with ice cream" date was just not fitting in the schedule and it didn't look good for Friday either.... I was a lil sad cuz he was supposed to be going out of town to Ft Myers where M-Hoe lives and was supposed to have 2 shows there so needless to say I was a bit unhappy- come Friday night I had decided to have a lil faith and he called me.... He asked where I was and I told him home... He asked me (with disbelief in his voice) "Why are you home on a Friday night?" and I told him my jaw was finally not hurting and I wanted to get some sleep... He said he really wanted to talk to me about some stuff but that he had to call me right back..... When I woke up again it was 5:00 a.m. so I text him.... By sat morning he text me back:

"I'm feeling a bit depressed... I'm not totally sure... I just need some time alone for a little bit to figure this out...... give me a day or two..... u can believe it or not but that's how I'm feeling.... I don't know what I'm going through.... bare with me"

So I simply text back "I'm really sorry ur feeling bad baby... If you need anything I'm here.... Everything will be alright" I decided it was best to get out of the house and went shopping with Delanie....

I decided to give him the weekend with no communication from me.... no questions or anything on my part but Saturday night he sent me an email... "I miss you sweetheart.... just thinking bout you" I text back "I love you" and left it at that..... Sunday by 3 he asked "where r u?" and I figured we were alright again.... We spoke a few hours later and he seemed really happy to be talking to me... like he really missed hearing from me... Turns out he didn't go to Fort Myers at all.... he just did his show in MIA :) But I was proud of myself for listening to and respecting what he asked for (time alone) instead of checking in on him because that's what I wanted... I'm glad he's all good and he said he's gonna tell me all about what happened tomorrow when we go check out a movie "Wanted" we are both excited to see that one!

Well after my convo with Hammer the other day- where he said he misses me and that he's coming down in July AND that I KNOW he's gonna make time to see me.... I was kinda torn..... I really wanna see him! I mean he is a kool person and I do miss him.... but I don't wanna jump in bed with him.... I just want to see him out in public to see how he is.... to catch up... OK OK OK! MAYBE I want him to see me all done up and get jealous and be a little sad about what he lost..... MAYBE part of me wants him to wish he had done things differently.... MAYBE I just want a chance to see how seeing him again will be... BUT then there's WHOA! And he has my heart.... WHOA is the one who held me at night when Hammer crushed me... WHOA is the one who listens to me and asks how I am and checks up on me.... He's the one who sleeps on my floor to make sure I'm ok and breaks tiny baby sized pieces of his sandwhiches to make sure I eat.... He has been a friend AND lover.... and I owe him respect..... I just don't know what to do.... I'm not gonna mention anything until or unless I actually see Hammer... Knowing how unreliable he is- it makes no sense to bring it up if he might not even show..... I duno what to do.....

This boyfriend girlfriend thing is a bit tricky.... but believe it or not- this is the first time I feel like we are on the same page.... I feel like he really genuinely cares about me.... and we are learning how to not only DEAL with each other but we are understanding each others needs more.... We both have our needy "pay attention to MEEEE!" moments, our "leave me alone but don't go too far" moments, and our "GRRRRR" moments.... we get it ;) And I wouldn't trade my baby for the world!

36 Hours Together!

So yesterday around 2 Whoa came and picked me up from work- He took me home to change my clothes and then to pickadilly's where we laughed for EVER! He wanted me to eat but I couldn't so he got me green jello, pudding, and red velvet cake to share with him..... After that we went home and he pushed back his studio time so he could relax a bit since he had a head ache and was so tired.... I wound up tucking him in and reading for a while...... he gave me a back massage when he woke up and I gave him a manicure.... all the while our convo was great.... even the times we weren't really talking were nice- He would hold me or we would whisper to eachother how nice the time was.... MaMa Dukes freaked out because she couldn't reach me and she sent my brother over to find me.... that was irritating but I resumed my time with Whoa and life was well again......

He showed me all the clips of his shows and I must say- I have never seen him perform live before.... not in concert- but when I saw all the videos..... I was very impressed! He looks like he is loving every min of it.... we went through all his fan comments and ratings and such.... he made sure to mention how important it is to him that I'm his girl.....

He also got to take a closer look at my facebook and myspace acct where he saw an older pic of HAmmer and I- *sigh* I sooo didn't mean for that to happen... he asked about him but dropped it after a while...... He had a meeting via phone call with his manager so he took that while I cleared up my room- When I went to look for him he had finished his call and was seemingly down.... we talked for a while and when he felt better we went to get some food- by this time it was 11 and he decided to spend another night... :) When we got home he wanted me to eat something so while we watched "dead presidents" he tore tiny bite sized pieces of his spicy chicken sandwhich and fed me.... It was so cute!

String Bean called again- for the second night in a row after 12.... his call was ignored again but he was heard by Whoa,... I tried to just leave it be- String bean has one more time to call me dumb late...... I am so not OK with him TRYING to be an ass hole and call to get me "in trouble" with Whoa- HE KNOWS I have a relationship! WTF!

"The Happening"

So last night I was supposed to cook for Whoa- Fried Salmon and Home made garlic potatoes... I was in so much pain by the time I got home I was not even feeling it- So I had text Whoa and not heard back ALL day- That's when I decided I was better off taking a Hot bath, watching TV and not stressing..... At 7:00 he called me to say he could come spend time but he didn't have his car..... He was on the beach so I offered to come because I was not hearing that come get me at 11:00 crap! An hour later he said he wanted me to come..... so I did.... Delanie was watching the awards at my house so I left her there to finish and told her I'd let her know if I wasn't coming back. When I got down there- even though I had been in pain and slightly annoyed at the 35 min drive.... I saw him and everything melted away..... (Gosh, I love it when he holds me)

He was so happy to see me and I couldn't get enough of him either.... He keeps calling me "girlfriend" lol- It's cute that he's trying SO hard to get used to it! He's obviously excited to be official and so am I! we had a great convo as I listened to his latest hit where we discussed the difference between "boyfriend" privileges and "guy" privileges.... As the boyfriend I will cook and clean and take care of him (back rubs) and go out of my way for him the best way I can.... I share and I'm open and honest.... The boyfriend gets more of me...... a better me..... the "guy" though- I have learned that I can't give it all to just any guy- Just like the husband gets certain things that the boyfriend won't..... I have learned I can't treat everyone the same.... He's loving the boyfriend perks! lol... and then he took me to the movies! We saw "the happening" which we both thought was Suckey! lol- but we agree that it was nice to go to the movie together anyway! We took turns rubbing each others back at diff times throughout the movie and then we went to get some food.... it was 1 in the morning by this time and I had promised to give him a back rub..... He mentioned wanting one over the weekend but at the time I thought he meant he had a scheduled massage...... when I asked about it he said he wanted a massage but had no one to give it to him.... So I was ready and willing to bust out the lotion and candles and rubbed him down till he fell asleep!! LOL- This morning I let him hold my car and he will be coming back to pick me up later....

I feel like we are on a good track right now! I just HOPE and PRAY this lasts..... he said I shouldn't ask when his "free time" is... I should ask when his "Elyse Time" is :) When I stepped out the shower this morning I was singing "Change me" by Rubben Studdard and the part about "we both know you don't look cute in the morning stuck out" I asked him If I look different to him in the morning because I have always heard about guys thinking "GOOD GRACIOUS! WHO IS THIS BEAST I'M WAKING UP NEXT TO?"... he said I have a natural beauty and I don't wear make-up so I look the same in the morning- beautiful.... I thought that was sweet- He drove me to work this morning and the convo was great then too- he said I think out loud.... I told him that some people don't like that.... But he said "it's really good, cuz at least I always know what you're thinking".... Which is very true- I'm just that kinda girl- An open book.... when I love, I love hard and when I give, I give everything.....

Night Time Stroll

So Saturday I had a graduation ALL day- got caught in the storm and my feet were DONE! I decided to get in a HOT bubble bath and read my newest book by ZANE "Love is never painless"- so I lit my candles.... put on some soft music... and hoped right in- I had been talking to Whoa a bit through the day and was sure I wouldn't be seeing him until Tuesday..... UNTIL he sent me a email saying we should link up.... I was shocked because I remembered he was in Tally but he was sure enough on his way back.... So I said Kool and finished my bath and book time just in time for him to arrive

When he got to the door and I opened it he looked like an angel.... I was swept up in a hug that felt amazing and lasted for what seemed like FOREVER- he just squeezed me while we breathed together.... we went upstairs and talked for a while..... I gave him a surprise that made him the happiest guy in the world at that moment... and I told him not too many would ever be able to say they have seen THIS side of me..... he just looked at me and said "well,... I'm gonna be the last" I was so happy- but the perfect night wasn't over.... he wanted to go for a walk around the neighborhood so 2 in the morning we sure did go for a walk..... we talked about movies, the environment, family, friends, kids.... and then he asked if I had plans for when I have to move out of my place next year... I told him I didn't know and he asked if I would move in with him..... I was in shock.... everything in me wanted to say "YES! YES I WILL! I DO!! YES, I'LL MARRY YOU!!!" lol thank GOD I didn't lol- but I felt like he wanted to know my answer more than he was actually asking me TO move in..... So I told him I wasn't gonna answer lol.... But I'm glad that's been brought up.... Truth is in a year I would love to move in with my boyfriend..... I think it's a good move for me.... and I really hope we make it that long.... this thing we have is not the world's easiest thing- It's not easy to be away from Whoa, it's not easy to deal with the industry, it's not easy to pretend to be strong for him all the time- But the easiest thing in the world is to love him..... I don't try- I just do....

When it was time to go inside we sat down on the couch and talked and my pain kicked in.... I was curled up in my room on the floor trying to let it pass and he laid down on the floor next to me and held me and fell asleep saying it would be ok.... I only slept for one hour that night- I spent it in and outta the bathroom trying not to wake him up with my crying.....

The next morning I felt better... We went to Ihop for breakfast and then I took him to his managers house.... We have plans for tomorrow night- I'm gonna cook... Fired salmon and home made garlic baked potatoes.... If it happens- I hope he loves it! lol

She's Single Again...

So.... Delanie and Slim made it 3 months ( not a very happy and healthy 3 months) but 3 nonetheless...... until this week,.... he went through her phone, FWD all the text messages to his phone and after studying them called her over to confess and confront her... She was pissed, while she wanted him to do it for weeks, she didn't want him to do it the way he did.... He was mean and clearly trying to make himself feel better...

She isn't sad really but then- who would be.... truth is that he beat her ass, became very needy, demanded to keep tabs on where she was and put her in a tiny box which she just didn't want to fit in.... She is my girl but she is not blameless in all this either- she definitely should not have played with fire! I told her to get out when he layed his hand on her and she didn't listen.... i told her to leave when the baby mama drama became physical, I told her to leave when she realized that everything about him was making her sick or mad..... but we all learn in our own time.....

So now she is "happy", tainted, but "happy" and I fully support her decision to just do her.... I think that she wanted something because everyone around her wanted it for her.... we all just wanted her to be happy but maybe right now her happiness is not going to be found within a relationship,.... maybe she needs to celebrate her first relationship- the most important one- the one with herself.

J-Mo and Mz Kay are doing very well these days.... J-Mo just celebrated his 26th B-day and is very happy that he will be getting married to his "dream girl" in less than 1 year! Mz Kay is still deciding on a lot and working on the save the dates which we will HOPEFULLY have done by the end of this month!

Mr Mayo is going to be returning from his vacation to Peru

As for Whoa and I- we are doing well I think.... Still a struggle to stay out of my own baggage but he is helping me see that maybe, just MAYBE, I'm not doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life! lol.... and maybe all men aren't the same.... Hmmm,... I am still not willing to completely succumb to this DREAM of mine but maybe he'll stick around long enough to make me want to..... I don't NEED the wedding bells right now... but I do still feel a strong need for a serious relationship that I can grow in and with..... And I so want this to be it!

F*n HEAR ME!!!!!!!

Wreckless in my thoughts as only I can appreciate
Everything so clearly displayed in my mind
My chaos makes sense, to me, seemingly calm
Yet I open my mouth to speak and foolishness spills out
I skip every other beat and my “music” turns to “noise”
Do you know what determines the difference?
Music is not determined by the intent of the musician
But rather by the ear each sound reaches
Everything we do and say is up to interpretation
I am so tired of making music that isn’t heard….
So sick of my work being excused as mere noise
My sound falls on deaf ears
Useless as dry tears
Ever seen a dry tear fall?
It sounds like a cry, and may look like the real deal
But if you look closely- its clear there is nothing there
I feel like a ghost-
Forced to roam with “unfinished business”
How can a ghost make things “right” if not seen or heard?
Cruel joke it seems!

I am so tired of trying so hard to make people hear me..... For example- I have TMJ..... it's a REAL problem with REAL pain and symptoms.... but no matter how many times I explain this- no one gets it.... last night I was layed out in pain..... let me vividly describe this for you- imagine a tooth ache, light sensitive migraine, and an ear infection all in one! Then imagine that pain rushing down your neck and into your collar bone..... it actually made my arm numb and my fingers felt like they were asleep...... I couldn't do anything but cry for hours.... I may have gotten 30 min of sleep where I was passed out from exhaustion and woke up in pain.... the throbbing lasts for hours.... even days..... This is NO joke and I prayed all night asking to PLEASE just relieve some of this pain because I couldn't take it anymore.....

No one gets it... they say "relax" and "calm down"..... but I'm not being dramatic!!!.... Sometimes I can't even move.... it tenses up my muscles so much I can't even MOVE! and that's painful! I was told by doctors for weeks that I was crazy- and then the ER specialist ran tests and told me what I have- Thats it... why bother explaining? I'm so over it..... I don't need to care about what other people think- No one gets it.... not really... and maybe it's unfair for me to expect them too...

Flash Forward!

This past Friday, Whoa surprised me at my job and asked me to go to Orlando with him.... jut to get away... I was so excited! I AM so excited! Saturday we didn't see each other but he made sure to send me plenty of love via our text/Email..... "I love you" and checking in on me through the day made me feel great! He made his way to my house for some QT mid-day yesterday after I went to see JD (my cousin) we talked and chilled and this chick always makes me laugh till it hurts.... Whoa said he just wanted to see me since we hadn't spent a lot of time together over the weekend.... And our time together was perfect..... Although not long enough for me- but then- it never really is....

Tomorrow JD's lil sis (my baby cousin) Bree will be graduating from high school so we are all going to make sure we act a fool to celebrate the LAST of the M-5 clan growing up.... I have to say- this will be sad but so exciting- we have all come so far from where we were.... it wasn't always easy, pretty , or nice...... but we did it- we made it! After seeing so many people in my life leave, fall off the path, and pass away.... I am so glad that I still have all my family! Now I know I gotta get cracking on my degree so I can set the example! I just need to finish up already.

I started getting the Panic Attacks again last night... I settled myself before it got too bad but..... I woke up this morning with it too.... Part of me feels odd about writing these diary entries all the time but the other part of me is so glad to have this..... I had a dream Saturday night..... In it I died in a fire and didn't even know it.... I was walking around as if nothing had happened... I thought I had escaped the fire until I was trying to talk to people and no one could hear or see me.... Then my cousins saw me and they look scared of me.... It finally dawned on me when they told me that I had died.... I suppose I had unfinished business and that's why I was able to remain on earth- I saw my mom and friends...... some friends couldn't see me.... I realized that only people who TRULY LOVED me could see me.... I guess it was supposed to be an eye opening experience where I would see how significant I am to some and not to others.

The dream scared me because a few times I woke up and when I would fall asleep again it was as if the dream picked up where I left off.... I had to finish it.... The truth is that a lot of my dreams actually come true in some form and that's what freaked me out.... I feel like I need to say something.... but I need a little time to wrap my thoughts around it all.....

The Gift of Groupies!

So, Tuesday was Whoa's b-day... So there I was on Monday night knowing that he was going to be locked in the studio for 2 days.... It was about 10:00 when I got a call that was unexpected but very appreciated... I so badly wanted to be with him on this day as I never really got to be there with a bf for his day before.... So he was just talking and told me he was on his way to see me- in fact- he would be getting to my house in about 15 min. I was sooo happy! He got there and was totally tipsy.... He told me that they wanted to get him drunk for his b-day... so he had 3 glasses of goose and cran and then came the "gift". He has a rule about no females in the studio because it's hard to focus and get things done... But the producer he was with had some "special" friends over.... when he realized one was getting "friendly" the producer told him that "they know WHO you are and they LIKE you!" that's when he said he realized they were his "gifts"..... he said he was like "whoa whoa whoa! They can't be here" but I assume they didn't take him seriously so to avoid getting in trouble he came up to see me.... lol All I could think- In the midst of his honest moment was "GOOD JOB!" I was so excited that he took the initiative to leave and then that he told me about it....

It was difficult but I didn't look at it like the jealous gf because I don't want him to NOT tell me these things in the future..... I was just thankful that he felt he could tell me.... He planned to only stay for an hour but wound up staying because I was worried about him driving home.... He slept on my couch with me for a while we watched a movie with J-Mo and Delanie.....

The next morning he left and I went to work- I was secure in the moment but was kinda concerned about what they would do the night of his b-day...... Fortunately for me- He wound up asking me to come to the studio- It was just he and I there.... He let me hear a lot of his new stuff and OMG I loved it! We wrote together for a while and then we took turns driving home... lol- He stayed over that night and...... This was a night to remember! ;) He def "put me to bed"...

I took yesterday off cuz I was officially worn OUT! lol..... And then last night.... He wanted to come stay with me again...... he called at 1 and said "baby, did I wake you?" I was like "its OK, whats up? u OK?" he said "I was just thinking that I really wanna come by, do you mind?"I said "not at all, you know you're always welcome here.... if you want to come just let me know"and he said "OK babe, I'll know in 30 min so I'm gonna call you OK?"then he called back.... and he was like half sleeping.... he was like "Baby, I don't think I can make it.... I'm so tired,.." I asked where he was and he said close to his house.... the studio is a lot closer to his place so I said "if you can't stay awake and drive then you should sleep there" he said "I really need to sleep" so I said "OK sweetheart, bunches and bunches of kisses..... sleep well" and he said "muah muah muah... ok.... love you.... goodnight"

Mz Kay said today that he is the first guy who is actually LISTENING to what I need and want and trying to make that happen.... Which is so nice because I am the type of person who naturally does that for someone else too! These are the days I wanted.... simple- care free- drama free- and lovely...... I sure am in a state of bliss.... although I'm still gaurded..... I really hope he's not gonna hurt me like all the others have.... I really HOPE!

"Sex, The City, and Girls Weekend"

Friday night me and my girls couldn't WAIT to go see Sex and the City! We bought our tickets from Wednesday and planned to get Glamorous for this occasion! And so we did! We were all in amazing dresses and by far the BEST looking girls in the theater! We actually got there an hour early and were second in a line that soon wrapped around the halls..... But it was amazing! We had all left our "men" behind and were ready to gossip, vent, laugh, and relax without them for a few days....

Whoa and I were supposed to link up but never got around to it and in an effort to "walk my damn talk" I made sure not to stress it.... sure enough.... in the midst of my movie fun he was looking for me... making plans to link up the next morning before he had to go out of town for the weekend.... Poor thing was still a little sick so I couldn't help but WANT to go take care of him (run him a hot bath, hot tea, wrap him up , give him some soup and rub his back till he fell asleep) but for the sake of "being stronger women" I made sure to resist the urge and told HIM what to do to feel better in the morning...

Saturday morning he wrote to tell me he wanted to see me ASAP since he was leaving for TAMPA's show.... so I went down to MIA to see my boo! I got there and he had gone to get food so I had to wait outside for 25 min since he forgot to give me the key he was talking about.... I was a lil upset but we talked and got everything settled.... He delayed his plans 3 hours so he would have more time to hang with me which I was very impressed by AND he asked me some very interesting questions... we spoke of kids before but when I asked when he wanted to settle down.... he said .... "I wanna be married by next December..." I was in shock to hear that because it's pretty specific but he also said he feels like he's heading in the right direction for it.... and asked about US being together and how I would at least know my husband can take care of me... It just gives me hope that perhaps he's taking me seriously and this battle is finally coming to an end....

After hanging in Miami for the day for part 2 of "girls weekend" I went home to sleep and boy was I tired! So I got a call from Delanie Sunday morning which started out with "I saw Whoa last night" I was totally blown since I was TOLD he would be in Tampa and got all the facts.... I was about to lose my calm when Delanie said "Don't say anything, he was with his manager and NO girls, and he spoke to me and it doesn't seem like he did anything wrong... see if he tells you on his own" So I took her good advice and waited..... Needless to say I was concerned but didn't let that ruin the rest of my day.... we went to the Shore club and chillaxed.... I saw MANY of the guys I used to hang around and in my tiny lil bikini I was getting some good attention... It was nice... and the remedy to a bruised ego is always a healthy dose of admiration.... So I indulged myself a bit while not giving out my number or getting close to ANY guys..... There was a soccer player and his whole crew who were gawking, random ppl who came to ask about our evening plans, a football player who was clearly as into himself as he would be any female (total turn off) and a few others.....

Whoa hadn't called all day so I decided to be my usual and sent him a message:

"I love you- I love u- I luv you- I luv u- Eye.Heart.You

No matter how I say it, think it, or write it,... I still can't shake it! And I hope ur experiencing the same occurrence"

A couple hours later he called me and said he was up the street... he only had one hour he could steal from studio time but he wanted to drive up to see me.... J-Mo was at the house too so he was there when Whoa got there.... I'm glad that at LEAST he knows he is around a lot more because all my friends had an issue with the fact that they weren't seeing him much..... I was sooo happy- He's been doing that a lot lately and I love getting in every min I can with him! I had a surprise for him too.... I had gotten him an ice cream cake and decorated it for his birthday with little music note candles... HE LOVED IT! thought it was adorable that I would do that for him.... He was thinking of me too cuz he brought me dinner and ice cream so we could have desert together... lol... He's so thoughtful! He also explained the WHOLE not being in Tampa thing which made sense because he actually told me in advance..... I just didn't remember... I never let on that Delanie had told me anything.... ;) And he wound up sleeping over!!

It's so funny that he is so comfortable staying with me now.... like, he has a toothbrush and everything... I buy the things he likes.... And he even said "we live in Miami don't we" as if I live WITH him in his condo- he's really only 25 min away but.... ya.... I'm happy he's making so many efforts! This week I will be taking a day off to go to his place and he is supposed to cook for me!!! I'm super excited about that one! Tomorrow is his birthday so hopefully I'll see him a little bit..... He said he got me something but I guess I'll get that when I go to his house this week! (I think it's prefume)

"Jealous Elis"

So, yesterday Whoa and I had made plans to go to lunch ..... in the middle of the day I sent him a picture and he wrote back to tell me how beautiful he thought I was.... I assumed he was busy so I excused him from lunch plans..... I didn't plan on seeing him again until today.... So when it was time for bed I wrote to him and told him good-night... At 2 a.m. he called me sounding half asleep saying he wanted to come stay with me.... I thought he was def not gonna make the trip because he said he was about to leave his studio session in MIA... but 45 min later he was up the street! I was sooo excited! He was tired as all hell... and you know- He just wanted to hold me all night... I felt so special! and then he stayed at my place until 11:00... I gave him my key and he brought it back to me at work...

We talked for a long time when he came to visit! And it was good conversation! He explained the different things he had planned for he weeks to come so I could be more aware of his itinerary... He will be on the road a bit over the next couple weeks and then off to Germany after my birthday.... So I'm trying to get in all the quality time I can! I have those plans for his birthday but we shall see how that plays out....

He will be in the same town as M-Hoe who I personally don't like since she couldn't let it go when he tried to tell her he just wanted to be friends.... I asked if he would be seeing her and he said recently he was in the same area as her and didn't see her.... that he will not be seeing her and thats that. He said I play a part of that and that he also doesn't want to be anything like that with her.... So i feel better about it. He said it's cute that I'm jealous and when I told him I'M NOT! he said "ok- you're not jealous... you're Elis, the sister of Jealous! he thinks he's so funny! lol- I had to remind him that he got to see my loyalties when I was with Rob so he feels good about it.... but I have to ask him these things since I don't know how he is.... He said he understood but that he still thinks it's "cute" that I'm Jealous Elis! lol..... That's my baby! Every funny, annoying, loving, goofy, and understanding part of him! and - I love it ALL

Memorial Day Weekend!

OK- so here's he story- Friday night we went to Barchetta's and totally brought the house down! My girls and I were the HOTTEST thing in the place and EVERYone (including my fav DJ and News Anchor's) made sure we had the ROYAL treatment! Mz Fabulous totally got passes for the pretty rick event and the damn thing was JOKE! So- Mz Lee's man is part of the group and dropped his phone! Mz Kay innocently stumbled on to it and couldn't wait to show me! I was so torn.... but we decided that despite how we feel about her,.... we should do the right thing and return it because that's what we would want..... So Mz Kay went up to him and said she wanted to return it, he asked where she found it... she told him and then he asked for her number..... she told him she was off the market and he said he was too but that he STILL wanted the number.... she was disgusted and quickly left but after we thought about how she should have told him that because she knows his girl,... that wouldn't be right.... LMAO! Turns out she is getting treated the way she treats others.... it's not funny... actually its sad.... but somehow- it's feeling like justice.

Saturday night we celebrated MA's birthday which later turned into a disaster.... lets just say.... J-Mo came out in full effect!

Sunday we went to a beach spa with Activator (our new friend from Friday night) and it was soooo much fun.... at the end of the day everyone was mad at Mz Kay and I for not going to the beach cook out but hey- I'm too pissed with the whole crew to even care right now... I spoke to Brother bear and he's OK with me so that's all I care about....

Mr Mayo is totally up my butt and I'm almost ready to bust out and kick some reality into him..... I told him flat out that we couldn't be together and he didn't get it.... had the NERVE (knowing I'm with Whoa) to ask me to go away with him for a weekend for my birthday... I told him that we are JUST friends and nothing more and that if I could create a visual I can see myself going down a path and I just don't see him and I together on it- EVER..... yet still he thinks I'm playing.... God didn't give me THAT much patients..... I have a HUGE heart- but damn! I can't take much more of this crap.....

Last night Whoa came to visit me (SURPRISE!!!!!) everyone was there and Mr. Mayo was clearly MAD but knew he couldn't say SHIT to me.... But Whoa jumped out his car- threw on his shoes.... ran up to me while i was jumping up and down cus I was happy to see him , picked me up and ran around the parking lot screaming "my baby misssssees meeee!" lol.... it was a great moment! we listened to his next single and I fell in love with it already! This one is a hit! and the CD is on point... I'm sooo proud of him! he spent the night and we both went to work late... lol... just really loved talking and spending time.... we are supposed to go to the movies this week and have lunch on a diff day this week too.... I hope that happens! AND..... last night I told him that I love him..... but he was sleeping.... so I don't know if he heard me... lol... this morning he said it when he was leaving and kissing me goodbye..... ;)

WALK the damn TALK

I decided it was time to "walk my talk"..... being real... I talk a lot about supporting my man and understanding where he is in life and wanting him to focus.... yet I still fall in my pit holes of insecurity and become the naggy lil girl they talk about not wanting to deal with.... They never see that side of me but I feel it and it's horrible- I am my own worst enemy.... so I decided to be grown with it.... I stoped calling pointlessly,... stopped emailing and texting to "please call" and I am only speaking when I need to.... I'm allowing him to miss me and to WANT to answer the phone if I call because it MUST be important....

So last night I wrote Whoa this:

"5 things.... about u"

1. When ur realllllly tired- u snore the second u fall asleep- and it's cute

2. I love that u kinda talk in circles that make perfect sense when ur excited about something

3. When ur making a point- u talk with your hands like they can feel ur words

4. U hate to disappoint- so even if it hurts and upsets u, u do everything u can not to

5. When u kiss me- sometimes I open my eyes cuz I love to watch u love me...

There are just a few thing I think of when I think of you... I hope you miss me this much!Love you babes....xox


And he simply responded "I love you"... See.... Whoa has always been able to be more out going and say exactly what he feels... I'm more guarded..... he says "love ya" and "I love you" mean two different things..... To this point he has always SAID I love you but written Love ya.... but now I think he is really appreciating me and the little things about me.... like the fact that I NOTICE his little quirks and I understand his upside-down- crazy-randomness that makes no sense yet complete sense all at the same time....

I get it because that's WHO I am too.... I know I'm a bit much at times... and as much as I like to pretend I don't care what other people say- It DOES affect me.... But I was reading something Beyonce said when asked about denying her and J were married.... she said:

“I don’t deny it (the wedding). I just don’t talk about it. We’ve never talked about us and it’s kind of protected our relationship. I think it’s kept us out of tabloid drama. A lot of actresses that have had successful relationships don’t talk about them, so neither do I.”

And I think that she def has her mind right..... I don't need to tell people (friends) when I see him, where we go and what we do..... it drives them NUTS not to know or see anything.... Kinda like it drives "us" nuts not to know the dish about J and B but hey- THEY are happy and that's all they care about so.... all I need to care about is me and Whoa....

And for the record- I Love who I am when I'm with him, I love how I feel and I love how we are together..... I love that we can talk about politics, movies, food, our day, work, life/death, "friends" history and everything that comes to mind... I love that we play fight and wrestle...And I love that he looks me in the eye when we fight, he doesn't walk away or yell or cuss or belittle my opinion... so despite it all.... I want this to work and I'm gonna do what I can....

The run down....

So,... this past week has been a roller coaster for me and seemed to only be spiralling DOWN...... Wed and Thurs Whoa made plans with me..... BOTH days he had to cancel.... Then Friday he asked me to go to an early breakfast to make up for it all..... Well loooong story short- he wound up not coming until 12 and then decided to go to the DMV first..... which had me BLOWN! I was soooo upset cuz I felt like "DAMN! do u even care?".... I called and was stressed and tired of waiting to go to lunch with him because he might cancel again and I was just not having that... so i left for lunch on my own..... he called me 3 min after I left my job and was like "Babyyyy,..... Something just came up and I can't make lunch today...." My blood was boiling and I flipped the hell out! I told him he was selfish and just doesn't care about how I feel...... I was crying and then he was like.... "wait....no no no!!!! Baby, don't cry!!!! I was playing- I'm at ur job now! I'm sitting out here for real!" He came to meet up with me and I was not able to get myself together in time.... so he saw the tears..... We went to eat and talk.... My hunger was GONE! and we had a long sit down..... I asked him how he would feel if I said i couldn't do this with him anymore.... if he would even care.... He got sad instantly and asked if that's what I'm saying.... I told him no but how would he feel.... he said he would be hurt and that he just can't let me go.... that I'm so important to him and he doesn't mean to do the things he does... that sometimes I just have to stop him and make him realize what he's doing..... He said not to worry or cry cuz everything with us is good and we are fine and that I don't need to stress..... after talking about "us" for what seemed like an hour.... we got in the car and talked about politics and random news and updates in the world.... he stopped and said... "this is why I have always liked you- because we can always talk about every and anything....." and I agree.... not many guys can make me laugh when I'm crying..... But he said through all his stress he hasn't lost his sense of humor and he's glad cuz that's what's getting him through..... He's a really good guy..... He said he only wants to be with me and he knows this and that he knows he's the only person I'm with..... He still doesn't wanna do the title thing.... and I'm trying to relax on it for a lil while..... We both played hookie for a few hours and stole some precious moments for "US"..... it was good and I was happy

Sat Whoa was supposed to come see me and bring me the gift he got me.... He called and woke me up at 10 in the morning and said he was trying to get things together and figure out what time he was coming..... I was so excited that I didn't have to remind him.... he said Friday that he is not gonna just SAY he's gonna change... he's gonna do it- so this was good..... he never came tho and it was a rough evening.... it was the 20th b-day of my home girl who passed away 2 years ago..... so the whole crew got together and chilled and drank and --- oh! CRAZZZZY girl on girl action= AKA wound up makin out with Brother Bears GF ( MA) not sure if he saw but if he did.... I guess he liked it cuz he sure didn't stop it..... Mr Mayo also started to get emotional cuz he drank wayyyy too much (as always) and J-mo was pissed so he told him the truth about me not ending up with Mr Mayo and that he should start to move on.... harsh perhaps but true nonethleless AND not news cuz I have told him so many times....

Yesterday (Sunday) he text to tell me that he had spent the night in the hospital because his best friend was there... he said he didn't get any sleep and he was stressed cuz everything was crazy and he would call..... I felt so bad cuz I know it sucks to have a friend in the hospital.... so I'm waiting patiently....

Last night J-mo Said he didn't think me and Whoa would last.... I was so upset I almost cried but I got a grip and he never saw me get emotional.... I just had to be quiet for a while so I could keep composure.... Mz Brown jumped to my defense just for the WAY he says things and I think she was watching my face drop when he was talking... He didn't mean to hurt my feelings.... And I'm not sure why I need to keep listening to people anyway... I guess I just want to know I'm doing the right thing.....

When I say "I do"

So, I created a page....

http://elysemoh.googlepages.com/whenisay"ido"

It's just something I'm working on.... most girls have lil scrap books of their perfect wedding.... they work on it their whole lives... but I just recently realized marriage is something I hope to one day share with someone.... And so, I wanted to create this page in order to gather my ideas and thoughts.....

It makes me happy to think about....


****SIDEBAR****

Ok so I was minding my own business when Hammer wrote me this morning... He wanted to know who I write my away messages to cuz I have so much going on in them.... lol... I was taken back by the fact that he bothers to read them at all..... and then I was tickled that he cared enough about it to ASK who they were directed to... lol... We chatted for a bit and then I said.... Well, I hope you have a great day! Perhaps sometime I'll cross your mind again and you'll smile" and he quickly said "What do u mean u never left them".... I smiled at that.... Funny, he seems to kinda miss me a lil sometimes.... Every guy I have ever delt with has hurt me... And once I leave.... Every guy with the exception of ONE has tried to "come back" and or realized what he had just when I'm gone.... LOL- I am glad for it... Glad that he cares because I still do... Glad that he spoke because I want to make sure he knows the lines of communication between us are open... and at the very least...... I wana always have him in my life....

Drama!

So,.... this past week I have not been myself,... Or maybe I was a lil too much myself and not enough of who I have been trying to be (A better more mature me) Whoa has been caught in the studio and he's almost done with his album,..... But I was so lonely it's not even funny.... I got stuck chillen with my X-BFF and dealing with more drama then I bargained for this week...

Slim busted Delanie in her lip "by accident" TWICE! I wanted to go over there and pop him real good just for that! She was drunk Sat night when he did it and couldn't remember much so he said he was pointing at her when he was mad and "accidentally" hit her.... but her whole head was throbbing on top of the fact that her mouth was bleeding (both top and bottom lip split) so she started putting it all together and realized he hit her more than once..... so clearly- the only accident was in him getting caught! She has to go to court with him in a few weeks cuz his CRAZY X keyed their cars... so she doesn't wanna leave him "yet".... Of course she couldn't tell her mom that on mother's day so she told ppl I was swinging a chain and she walked into it.... WTF?!?! I helped her make up a lie so she could avoid the drama but it def had nothing to do with ME being the one to bust her face! I dunno- I have to let her see him for what he is on her own... But his baggage and insecurities are a BIG HUGE GIANT PROBLEM! She said "he feels really bad about it and was crying and said he would never do it again and that he couldn't believe he did it at all" I say that sounds like CLASSIC BULL*ish to me! Having been hit before by a guy who thought doing it in public was "kool"- And then watching it happen to my friends and cousins.... I have no sympathy for these guys... Frankly, I wish someone would bust their lips and throw them around and knock the wind out of them so they can understand what it feels like!

I met this guy- "Doc" on Friday when I went to the club...... I know- so against my policy but what the hell.... I was tired of being alone and he wanted to talk..... Any way, he's 6'3", 23 years old, works at the hospital, in school to be in the medical field.... lives with his fam, great smile, good conversationalist, has an 8 PACK!!! lol.... and he is going to be in his first fashion show this month so I'm excited for him..... he's totally into me right now but I'm feeling it out as who he is as a person.....

I found out that I have fallen for Whoa when I THOUGHT I had lost him- I mean totally..... And it's scaring me a lil.... I'm not ready to get hurt again..... and when I didn't hear from him for a couple days this week I thought he had moved on from me.... I felt hurt and betrayed and alone.... I felt like he just up and left me.... there was this HUGE hole in my heart and I couldn't really deal.... Loving him is making me incapable of living my life.... So in order to take my mind off it I conversed with Doc.... I know I know.... digging my hole right? Well,.... My heart hurts and there are no pills that make it stop.... The best I can do is to occupy my time..... Yesterday Whoa said he loves me (again) and that he misses me and yada yada.... I believe him.... Its just- I have been down a similar path before and I'm terrified to do it to myself again.... I don't plan on anything popping off with Doc because of my feelings for Whoa and Whoa is STILL the man I WANT in my life.... but it's nice to have a friend I can hang with.... That's all I want right now... and while it's shallow and selfish... I guess it helps that he likes me....

Saturday night AKA got to play "Drunk" after just one cup and blamed it on not eating...... she had a sandwhich that day and nothing else.... Well, personally, sometimes I eat that much for the day too and Liq would affect you more drastically but..... then she ate 2 pancakes and got WORSE..... it was not making sense at all... I think she just wanted to get some attention- mission accomplished! She threw herself around and I mean all on the floor and the pretended to pass out like 15 times..... Really bad acting though cuz I didn't buy it and neither did Mr Mayo...

Mz Fabulous FINALLY brought her boy toy around and they are too cute! I totally LOVE IT! Sad that Mr Mayo acted a bit of an ass and she clearly was uncomfortable but I told her not to worry and not to let anyone F up her Mo-Jo cuz they were cute and he is really nice!

C-Pooh got engaged...... Friday he officially popped the question... I'm not sad because I want him.... because I really don't... But I'm sad that I don't have a ring on my finger... I'm sad that even HE (king of the whores, Mr. never gonna get married) is getting closer to what I want... Having a life time commitment. And part of me can't help but wonder if my time will EVER come.... I mean she is controlling, bipolar, evil and vindictive cheater..... and he asked HER?? what about the ones like me? The faithful ones who actually care more about other ppl than themselves..... the good girls! I guess we finish last too huh?

I just want to get myself together right now.... and say to hell with all this extra randomness! things really sucked this past week and they say when it gets so bad u think it can't get any worse.... the only way things can get is BETTER! So I'm looking forward to my "better" moment and hopefully God will be opening that window soon.... the one he always opens when all the doors get closed in your face.... I'm waiting....

Random Saddness

I'm not sure what all this is about really but recently I have been going through something... I have these random bouts of feeling sad.... like nothing is going right.... It doesn't last too long... but I'm just not enjoying it.... I guess maybe I just really miss Whoa... and I only have to wait a few more days until he is here but I get so upset when I think about the fact that even that is not really for sure until it happens. I am trying to remember that life is just like that and that I should appreciate feeling sad somethings because it makes the good times so much better but STILL- I just can't seem to shake it...


Well I will be going out tonight to celebrate with my friends for the graduation..... I'm not too happy right now but we shall see...... should be an interesting night.....

Day 158- Time Will Tell

So Whoa just went to L.A. yesterday. He is working really hard and I must say- I'm proud of him!.... he's really buckled down and focused on what he needs to do.... Last night he said when he gets home he's coming straight to me.... not even going home to shower! lol....I told him that was a good idea.... then he can take his shower with ME! I'm so excited for him to come home to me it's crazy.... he's counting the weeks and days.... lol... I did some counting of my own.... today is day 158 since we met! Can you believe that? Almost half of a year!! its been 62 days since he confessed how he felt about me.... 44 days since our first kiss and 37 days since we made love for the first time! Interesting!

C-Pooh and I definitely did a good job on the engagement party! Turns out everyone had a really good time and everything turned out perfectly! I think C-Pooh wants for us to be friends again... I mean we have fun and it's always been easy between us.... I would never allow us to get close again- out of respect for Whoa or anyone else I have in my life....

Mr Mayo has made a point of getting touchy feely with me again and I am trying very hard to control my urge to tell him about himself.... Last night he sure was at it again... Mz Kay definitely fires back at him now with his slick remarks but I don't think he gets it.... his behavior is not welcomed or appreciated... If we could just get him to stop acting a FOOL we'd all be good! It's sad because we don't want Mr Mayo to leave the crew- but we want his Alcohol issues and constant urge to be an ass to calm down.... One day perhaps.... but not soon enough!

I feel so lucky to have Whoa right now.... I have never had anyone make me feel like I was so significant.. and honestly, I don't ever want to go back!! I just hope he realizes what he has with me right now and doesn't want to lose it... I hope he appreciates me for real and this is not just a show.... I'd imagine it would be hard to fool ALL my friends like this... but you never know these days.... He has shown himself to be honest, trustworthy, considerate of me and my feelings, and seems to have genuine interest in me (even from what my friends say) So time will have to tell the rest!

Been Sick

So this past week I have been deathly sick with a virus causing fevers of 102.4..... I couldn't even get out of my bed until yesterday and even now walking too much makes me dizzy... hopefully in the next day or so I'll be back to my old self......

I was really sad that I didn't see Whoa at first (last Sat and Sun) and we didn't even talk- I literally could not get a hold of him...I had a few panic attacks because I started to think maybe he was pulling a Hammer episode on me..... Turns out he just needed time to get some work done.... they have really been putting pressure on him. But I can't forget to put myself first so when he did finally call on Sunday I was very blunt- "Do you want me in your life or not? Because I want to be here but it feels like your avoiding me...." and he said "No No, Baby, I DO want you in my life! I've just been blah blah blah" and then I told him he needs to consider me too.... Don't put me through that- If I needed time away to think or work I would tell him I won't be reachable for X amount of time and I expect the same in return. I think we have an understanding- although I understand this is something he has always done so I don't expect the next time to be different..... not right away that is....

Since Whoa knows I am sick he has made a point to constantly call and text to check up on me.... He said he wishes he could be here to take care of me but they sent him the ATL to promote for a week : ( but the good news is that he will be back in about 5 days!!!! And I can't wait! I'll be healthy and able to enjoy the time....

MaMa Dukes had surgery today! BroHam just called and told me she was out so I'm relaxed. she has wanted to have her boobs done for as long as I can remember and she finally got her wish so I'm happy for her!!

Mr Mayo came to have lunch with me today... We finally got a chance to talk about the house party and everything that went down... I think we have a better understanding so hopefully it won't have to happen again. But in our big ass clique.... once is never enough!

Thoughts....

So after the C-pooh planning session (and his surprise guest) I realized that some ppl just don't change.... He's smoking daily now.... what started out as a once in a while thing seems to be the only way he can get through the day.... He is so happy when I see him.... like a little kid- and it feels good- like the old fun loving C-pooh I used to know and at one time loved..... Now here we are almost 6 years in and he seems to be lost..... I'm not sure what happened but I have an idea. I think we all have a little share in the blame game of "who changed".... It was a mix of "him and her"- "mine and ours".... It may have come from one place (C-pooh) but not one of us is a victim without at some point being the one to victimise... And I feel bad that we must ignore the big pink elephant in order to function. Oh well,.... not my problem I guess.... Not anymore.

Last night I went to sleep and Whoa called me at 4:00- said he was in bed but couldn't sleep cuz he was busy thinking about me.... LOL... He had a "hard time" relaxing with all the tension.... So I put him at ease and after 15 min he was off to sleep.... That's my baby! I love the fact that he calls just to hear my voice.... That he calls me "baby" (a term of endearment) rather than "my first name" all the time because it makes me feel like there is feeling.... he doesn't call females outside of their names like other guys because most females who call his phone work for him.... so that's a first name thing all the way... He puts me at ease... And I'm beginning to depend on him for that....

I hope we can become more solid in the weeks to come.... That would be great! I'm just not interested in "random dates" these days.... I like having ONE person to go out with and ONE person to invite places... I LIKE getting to miss someone special and the great feeling of anticipation I get when I know we are going to meet up.... He certainly has a way of making me feel like I'm irreplaceable :)

Waxing- WTF???

Ok so me and Mz Kay wanna get waxed- BRAZILLIAN! Our other friends have done this many times and feel it's the only way to live life! lol.... far be it for me to say otherwise when I have yet to experience what stories have led me to believe is one of the most PAINFUL procedures women are willing to torment ourselves with! But Mz Kay wants to do it before her wedding and I'm all in for the festivities! I think I just don't wanna do it alone- I'm gonna need someone to talk me into it... and then to hold me down so I don't run away crying with wax stuck to my crotch! LMAO!

Whoa is still in NY but only for a couple more days so.... he already said when he comes back he's ALL MINE! I think I'm totally gonna get him trashed and take advantage of him! I actually think it might be REALLY fun if we BOTH are totally trashed! LOL- I CAN'T WAIT! I miss him so much- but I'm beyond willing to wait a few days for his kiss! He broke his phone though.... poor baby! I think he needs a little TLC and a heavy dose of ME!

Delanie thought I was mad at her since I have been keeping to myself a bit more but I think I just needed a break from ppl.... I kinda needed to get myself together from all the school, work, and love life pressure.... I was on a short thread and didn't wanna go off on anyone else. We're kool tho- she's so funny..... she sounded all sad when I called yet excited (kinda how I imagine I must have sounded to Hammer) LMAO!

My professor totally gave me a 0 and dropped my grade from a 95 to a 75 because he SAYS I didn't post my paper on time... LIES! so ya.... I will be fighting that one if he doesn't come correct real soon!

So I'm about to be off...... gotta go shopping with C-pooh for the party..... interesting huh? lol.... a few months ago I never would have expected this to be ok..... but I guess that's the beauty of life.... all the unexpected surprises keep you from getting too bored. lol

-Blank

Hammer spoke again last night.... I wrote him and said... "Hey, I hope all is well with you" and closed out the convo- I never expected a reply because he was never really good at those.... Well,... he replied and was telling me about how he is and his coaches and all that..... I kinda just was glad to hear he was alright and was gonna leave it at that- he actually asked how I was doing..... that kinda threw me since I figured he wouldn't care..... I was curious and asked.... "have you thought about me at all?" and he said "Come on, you know I have" Funny- I want to see him again.... like I want to be in his life to some extent..... but I think I have accepted that as the BEST we can ever hope for.....

Whoa had an unexpected emergency this weekend and had to cancel our "romantic" plans..... I am trying to see this as realistically as I can- after 6 months I think I am falling for Whoa and I'm scared to get hurt..... I let my gaurd down with him and then pull back cuz I'm so scared.... Oh well, I guess I'll figure it out between now and the next 2 weeks.....

No bad news to speak of..... Me and my girls Mz Kay and Mz Fabulous had a girls weekend..... We talked about EVERYTHING and yesterday we went to the beach.... We had soooo much fun it's crazy! We totally MUST do it again!