Wow... what an update!

Sooo,... Things are moving but they are CRAZY!!! Let's start with Whoa and I... still going and these past few weeks have been a challenge.... ever since I got my puppy Halo I just have not felt so needy.... but it made me think about my life.... and what I deserve and what I am willing to put up with... I call this.. "the BIG evaluation" lol... We got into it after Mz Kay's Bday party and I was ready to QUIT... for real... I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore... I think he sensed that because he asked me to go to therapy with him... I was THROWN! I never heard of a guy WANTING that... but then I think he didn't expect me to be willing.. I made the plans though and this week Friday morning at 9 we have our first session! This should be good! Either way this goes, At least I will have some answers finally.... I told him to start thinking about how he feels about everything.... The funny thing is that now he is calling me just to tell me he loves me (which he was doing but not so much of before) and he is planning a trip for us at the end of this month! I have been begging him to go out of town with me and gave up when he stood me up the last time... so it will be nice if he actually mean s it this time.

As for the film... I have been doing so much for the production and finally got into it with one of the guys I work with because he thinks he knows everything.. He is older (like 45) and all he does is TALK about things... I see no action.. but that's not how I work. Less talk and more action. I want to see what you're about- not hear it! Any way the producers called me and apologized on his behalf for how he spoke to me. But I feel good cuz I put his ass in check and walked out! He needs to know I won't put up with it. I'm not here to stroke his ego! Anyway they told me to focus on my character so I'm happy! I have been running and getting in shape... I'm looking good and I have another week until I start my fight scenes so time to buckle down!

And I am going to do extra work on "burn notice" in a few weeks so I'm excited for that!

Halo has been driving me NUTS! I love her to death already but she is only 16 weeks barely and training her right now is hard... I'm working thru it with her though. She is getting better with time... So we shall see. I want to get her shaved tho because I feel bad when I take her out... she is so cute but she gets over heated quick down here.... Soon!

Hammer hit me up! He actually called to talk for a while... and we have ALWAYS talked for long periods... but always on IM or email... never really on the phone... He was never a phone guy but we are really good friends.. Anyway when he did call he just was so happy and wanted to chat and then said how great it was to talk and that next day he said he had a dream that we.... well,.... he said his dream was about how much fun we used to have and how we had done it all again... I was floored.... I don't know what to think about that. But I just wanted to put that out there. Thoughts...

New Year= New Me

Loving myself has never been so easy for me. Believing in my dreams has not come easy either. Every year I make resolutions to do things differently but I never do.... Those dreams only last for a couple months and then I go back to the same old me.... But I think that's because I don't have anyone to be accountable to. I put myself last too many times...

I have sacrificed my modeling time and appointments to help others with theirs- I refuse to do that this time around! Whoa has his dreams and he is perusing them- with or without me... and I just have to understand that. So as much as I want to be there for him- I am putting myself first. So far I have done that once this year. I was supposed to help him with something and I got a call asking me to work a news broadcast for the same time frame.... Needless to say- I took it! And not only do I get PAID... but I got great exposure and I got booked for a big show this weekend! I think that is sign enough that I am doing right by myself. And Whoa got helped anyway,.... but AFTER my time.... Not before! and that's how it should be!

My book idea has been floating around in the air for EVER and I never had the guts to move forward with it.... Well this year I am working on it... I am working HARD and if it doesn't take off...... at least I will have tried! but if it does... I won't have to go back to the 9-5 world I despise so much!

I have decided not to put my relationship as TOP PRIORITY... Do I love my boyfriend? YES.. Do I have faith that we can make this work? YES... Do I want to be with Whoa for time and time to come? YES... But I know now that I can't change anything and history will be what it is meant to be.... So I can stop stressing it and work on me...

The changes started with my hair... I colored it and then I cut bangs... this new me is not just on the outside.... It's a total change and a much needed one at that! I am going to do what I need to do to be proud of who I am! I cut my friends down and I am entering this year with great people!

I must admit that every once in a while I find things out that bother me about WHOA... things like condoms he told me he didn't have, I find pictures of females and small behaviors that don't seem to add up... But I also know that there are some things about me that wouldn't make sense unless someone came to me and asked... well since that's not gonna happen,.. I am just observing.... and if he chooses to screw around on me and I find out.... that will tell me he doesn't mind losing the best thing he ever had (ME).... an X and now GREAT friend of mine (Ju) had this to say when I told him what I had found....

"Baby, if you go looking for dirt, yo ass is gonna get filthy! You need to look in the mirror and see what I see... You are too beautiful of a person both inside and out to sell yourself so short.... if that nigga is dumb enough to let you go... (like he was) then that's his bad and you will be just fine! Too many niggas out here would LOVE to come home to you!" I felt better after that... and funny enough... guys KEEP trying to date me... But I respect my relationship too much for that... It's just nice to know I won't be lonely for very long is he gets dumb one day! lol...

We made it a YEAR!! and I am so happy about that!!

>>>side bar<<<

How about Hammer is coming down to visit! He and I keep in contact and I am really glad about that! If nothing else, he is a good friend! and I plan on keeping us how we are! Funny how you can be head over heels for someone and once they hurt you enough,... the love you feel for them changes into something else... for me the hurt turns to anger then pity and eventually a general concern for your well being... but the love is forever gone... hmmmm...

I got my Mo-Jo back!

So I needed some time away to adjust to everything.... sadly my great plan for unemployment took a nasty turn for the worst! The company decided to hold my severance pay and I STILL have not collected that! Because they held everything.. They held my Financial aid AND prevented me from getting unemployment! I am going on 3 weeks with NO pay and I am feeling the squeeze! I asked Hammer for the money I loaned him in December... only 260.00 but that is still needed! And trust me... asking him for that was no easy task! I damn near was in tears doing it! But hopefully he was not lying when he said he would have it for me this week.... How will I ask for it again???

Then Whoa has been out of town for a week and a half! I am so lonely! But he sends me messages EVERY DAY about how much he misses me... On top of THAT, he has called me at least 4 nights early in the morning (3-4 a.m.) Just to talk and fall asleep with me:) ya, I feel so Blessed to be with him right now! He gets back in about a week so I'm happy about that n I really can't wait!!!

I had to get my mo-jo back! I have been down and out and caught up feeling bad for myself AND confused AND a bit scared since I am not in a comfortable situation... but I got up and went on a casting call the other day... I made some crazy connects and turns out I am supposed to do an Ed Hardy show as well as one for Marley and that's this month! Doors are opening and I am going to run in! I felt good with all the great feedback I have been getting and I have got to make something happen- soon!

Church has been more than awesome for me.. I go and I feel happy and like someone DOES understand me and what I'm going thru...i suppose that's the whole point right lol... well it feels good!

He remembers NOW wat he had

So I'm just ending the conversation between Hammer and I- He wrote me.... asking about me and my family... Telling me about his and things going on... He was interested in everything I had to say... This was over the instant messenger so..... I told him about me getting layed off.... he said he was sorry and that he was here to help me if I ever need anything...I thought that was oddly NICE! and didn't think too much of it- then he said that he has the place in ATL and that if I need it anytime I can stay there... He said that he won't be back there until Dec. I was throwed! I couldn't believe this conversation... He sent me a bunch of pictures of him and his friends and asked for some of me... I sent him a few from my birthday weekend and he said that I am still as beautiful as ever.... He said that he planned to come check me this month but had family issues... but that he has a feeling he will be chilling with me some time soon... OK- That rocked my world a bit- I mean.... he didn't stop talking even once... said that I was always an awesome person and shouldn't ever let any one change that. He doesn't know about WHOA... He says that he doesn't want me to ever think he forgot about me cuz he hasn't- not once... and that he reads all my away messages just to make sure I'm ok and see how I'm doing.. I was shocked! but I had a feeling he might still do that because a few times he has asked me who I'm talking to in them. lol... I have to admit- this was very unexpected... I feel like he misses me... But then- why shouldn't he? I was a great girlfriend to him... and that's not being cocky- I really was... I was understanding- not a nag, I cooked and cleaned.. I dealt with HIS schd and put mine on the back burner... I closed his house for goodness sake! loaned his homeboy 260.00 to drive from here to ATL... I mean damn! I gave him back rubs in the middle of the night... I catered to his every need- I bought HIM gifts for every occasion even though he never got me one.. I was thoughtful and did everything short of stepping out of character for him..... I loved to take care of him... But... I didn't feel like he was even half as concerned for me... Funny how he remembers what he had... how he thinks back on who was there for him... I cleaned his house just because I knew he would be too tired to do it... and when he was injured- I took care of him... but when I had the flu- he was too "busy" to come look after me... I had to beg.... So i duno- I feel good knowing that NOW he finally appreciates me as a person... But Whoa- He's really looked out for me and while he isn't perfect.... I don't need perfection... I just need effort.

Good News/ Bad News

Today is Wednesday and my PLAN was to go to work, and leave early for my studio time with Whoa... But last night while doing my hair he called and said "Baby, I have good news and Bad news... which do you want first?" I always take bad first.... he said the bad news is I have a closed session with Mr Words and I will not be able to have you there.... I'm sorry...." I immediately got sad and said... "what's the good news?" he said "since I can't spend tomorrow evening with you I'm on my way to your house and I'm staying with you all night" I was THRILLED! I LOVE to see him not matter how often- it always seems special! He asked if I wanted to see a movie so we planned to go and by the time he got to my house it was 9:00 and he had already gotten us tickets! That was too cute! He was starving so we went to get some food first and when we walked in I was all over the screen! one of the music videos I had done with Akon was playing and he said it was CRAZZZZY! lol- I said "YA! we're BOTH on TV! high 5" lol he laughed! I insisted being that I'm "gangsta" I could sneak his plate in the movies.... this was a big ass box so he doubted my skills! lol- I proved him WRONG!

When we got in my prince charming insisted on getting my a drink so he got it and I chilled in our seats.... The movie was long as all hell! "IRON MAN!" but it was worth it... and at one point poor thing was so tired he fell asleep on my shoulder holding on to me like I was his favorite stuffed animal! lol.... I was rubbing his head and he woke up and half asleep said "baby, are you ok? I'm sorry I fell asleep but I'm happy just being here with you...." and he proceeded to hug me and kiss my forehead and nose..... lol CUTE!

Last night we laughed and talked about a lot... he asked me about Hammer and I,... explicit details.... he told me about the moment he felt we became connected.... the night at the park- we road around doing nothing and he made me turn off the road and we ended up at a park in the middle of the night.... we went on the swings and talked for what felt like hours till it started to rain- then we talked in the car till the rain let up- that was the night I cherish MOST.... we have so many long talks.....

After my Doc appt today I went home where he still was- waiting for me and we talked for a while then went and had lunch at Wendy's.... lol... I was craving the hamburger soooo bad! we ate and talked there for an hour before we parted ways for the day...... it's happening.... we're becoming best friends! I love it- I feel like we can talk about anything and no matter how stupid I feel.... he won't judge me... not the way other people do..... He just relates....and if he can't relate... he just listens... I LOVE THAT!

"I just need to be alone..."

After spending such magical time with Whoa last week I was excited to think of the NEXT time we would share.... Thursday and Friday we had plans but those fell through and I have learned to go with it... It's crazy cuz I don't feel horrible anymore- I just know that when things don't work out he always seems to find a way to make it up to me.... We were talking Thursday after I got signed to that management team- He was really happy for me and I was please with my damn self! LOL but our "walk on the beach with ice cream" date was just not fitting in the schedule and it didn't look good for Friday either.... I was a lil sad cuz he was supposed to be going out of town to Ft Myers where M-Hoe lives and was supposed to have 2 shows there so needless to say I was a bit unhappy- come Friday night I had decided to have a lil faith and he called me.... He asked where I was and I told him home... He asked me (with disbelief in his voice) "Why are you home on a Friday night?" and I told him my jaw was finally not hurting and I wanted to get some sleep... He said he really wanted to talk to me about some stuff but that he had to call me right back..... When I woke up again it was 5:00 a.m. so I text him.... By sat morning he text me back:

"I'm feeling a bit depressed... I'm not totally sure... I just need some time alone for a little bit to figure this out...... give me a day or two..... u can believe it or not but that's how I'm feeling.... I don't know what I'm going through.... bare with me"

So I simply text back "I'm really sorry ur feeling bad baby... If you need anything I'm here.... Everything will be alright" I decided it was best to get out of the house and went shopping with Delanie....

I decided to give him the weekend with no communication from me.... no questions or anything on my part but Saturday night he sent me an email... "I miss you sweetheart.... just thinking bout you" I text back "I love you" and left it at that..... Sunday by 3 he asked "where r u?" and I figured we were alright again.... We spoke a few hours later and he seemed really happy to be talking to me... like he really missed hearing from me... Turns out he didn't go to Fort Myers at all.... he just did his show in MIA :) But I was proud of myself for listening to and respecting what he asked for (time alone) instead of checking in on him because that's what I wanted... I'm glad he's all good and he said he's gonna tell me all about what happened tomorrow when we go check out a movie "Wanted" we are both excited to see that one!

Well after my convo with Hammer the other day- where he said he misses me and that he's coming down in July AND that I KNOW he's gonna make time to see me.... I was kinda torn..... I really wanna see him! I mean he is a kool person and I do miss him.... but I don't wanna jump in bed with him.... I just want to see him out in public to see how he is.... to catch up... OK OK OK! MAYBE I want him to see me all done up and get jealous and be a little sad about what he lost..... MAYBE part of me wants him to wish he had done things differently.... MAYBE I just want a chance to see how seeing him again will be... BUT then there's WHOA! And he has my heart.... WHOA is the one who held me at night when Hammer crushed me... WHOA is the one who listens to me and asks how I am and checks up on me.... He's the one who sleeps on my floor to make sure I'm ok and breaks tiny baby sized pieces of his sandwhiches to make sure I eat.... He has been a friend AND lover.... and I owe him respect..... I just don't know what to do.... I'm not gonna mention anything until or unless I actually see Hammer... Knowing how unreliable he is- it makes no sense to bring it up if he might not even show..... I duno what to do.....

This boyfriend girlfriend thing is a bit tricky.... but believe it or not- this is the first time I feel like we are on the same page.... I feel like he really genuinely cares about me.... and we are learning how to not only DEAL with each other but we are understanding each others needs more.... We both have our needy "pay attention to MEEEE!" moments, our "leave me alone but don't go too far" moments, and our "GRRRRR" moments.... we get it ;) And I wouldn't trade my baby for the world!

36 Hours Together!

So yesterday around 2 Whoa came and picked me up from work- He took me home to change my clothes and then to pickadilly's where we laughed for EVER! He wanted me to eat but I couldn't so he got me green jello, pudding, and red velvet cake to share with him..... After that we went home and he pushed back his studio time so he could relax a bit since he had a head ache and was so tired.... I wound up tucking him in and reading for a while...... he gave me a back massage when he woke up and I gave him a manicure.... all the while our convo was great.... even the times we weren't really talking were nice- He would hold me or we would whisper to eachother how nice the time was.... MaMa Dukes freaked out because she couldn't reach me and she sent my brother over to find me.... that was irritating but I resumed my time with Whoa and life was well again......

He showed me all the clips of his shows and I must say- I have never seen him perform live before.... not in concert- but when I saw all the videos..... I was very impressed! He looks like he is loving every min of it.... we went through all his fan comments and ratings and such.... he made sure to mention how important it is to him that I'm his girl.....

He also got to take a closer look at my facebook and myspace acct where he saw an older pic of HAmmer and I- *sigh* I sooo didn't mean for that to happen... he asked about him but dropped it after a while...... He had a meeting via phone call with his manager so he took that while I cleared up my room- When I went to look for him he had finished his call and was seemingly down.... we talked for a while and when he felt better we went to get some food- by this time it was 11 and he decided to spend another night... :) When we got home he wanted me to eat something so while we watched "dead presidents" he tore tiny bite sized pieces of his spicy chicken sandwhich and fed me.... It was so cute!

String Bean called again- for the second night in a row after 12.... his call was ignored again but he was heard by Whoa,... I tried to just leave it be- String bean has one more time to call me dumb late...... I am so not OK with him TRYING to be an ass hole and call to get me "in trouble" with Whoa- HE KNOWS I have a relationship! WTF!

When I say "I do"

So, I created a page....

http://elysemoh.googlepages.com/whenisay"ido"

It's just something I'm working on.... most girls have lil scrap books of their perfect wedding.... they work on it their whole lives... but I just recently realized marriage is something I hope to one day share with someone.... And so, I wanted to create this page in order to gather my ideas and thoughts.....

It makes me happy to think about....


****SIDEBAR****

Ok so I was minding my own business when Hammer wrote me this morning... He wanted to know who I write my away messages to cuz I have so much going on in them.... lol... I was taken back by the fact that he bothers to read them at all..... and then I was tickled that he cared enough about it to ASK who they were directed to... lol... We chatted for a bit and then I said.... Well, I hope you have a great day! Perhaps sometime I'll cross your mind again and you'll smile" and he quickly said "What do u mean u never left them".... I smiled at that.... Funny, he seems to kinda miss me a lil sometimes.... Every guy I have ever delt with has hurt me... And once I leave.... Every guy with the exception of ONE has tried to "come back" and or realized what he had just when I'm gone.... LOL- I am glad for it... Glad that he cares because I still do... Glad that he spoke because I want to make sure he knows the lines of communication between us are open... and at the very least...... I wana always have him in my life....

Been Sick

So this past week I have been deathly sick with a virus causing fevers of 102.4..... I couldn't even get out of my bed until yesterday and even now walking too much makes me dizzy... hopefully in the next day or so I'll be back to my old self......

I was really sad that I didn't see Whoa at first (last Sat and Sun) and we didn't even talk- I literally could not get a hold of him...I had a few panic attacks because I started to think maybe he was pulling a Hammer episode on me..... Turns out he just needed time to get some work done.... they have really been putting pressure on him. But I can't forget to put myself first so when he did finally call on Sunday I was very blunt- "Do you want me in your life or not? Because I want to be here but it feels like your avoiding me...." and he said "No No, Baby, I DO want you in my life! I've just been blah blah blah" and then I told him he needs to consider me too.... Don't put me through that- If I needed time away to think or work I would tell him I won't be reachable for X amount of time and I expect the same in return. I think we have an understanding- although I understand this is something he has always done so I don't expect the next time to be different..... not right away that is....

Since Whoa knows I am sick he has made a point to constantly call and text to check up on me.... He said he wishes he could be here to take care of me but they sent him the ATL to promote for a week : ( but the good news is that he will be back in about 5 days!!!! And I can't wait! I'll be healthy and able to enjoy the time....

MaMa Dukes had surgery today! BroHam just called and told me she was out so I'm relaxed. she has wanted to have her boobs done for as long as I can remember and she finally got her wish so I'm happy for her!!

Mr Mayo came to have lunch with me today... We finally got a chance to talk about the house party and everything that went down... I think we have a better understanding so hopefully it won't have to happen again. But in our big ass clique.... once is never enough!

Waxing- WTF???

Ok so me and Mz Kay wanna get waxed- BRAZILLIAN! Our other friends have done this many times and feel it's the only way to live life! lol.... far be it for me to say otherwise when I have yet to experience what stories have led me to believe is one of the most PAINFUL procedures women are willing to torment ourselves with! But Mz Kay wants to do it before her wedding and I'm all in for the festivities! I think I just don't wanna do it alone- I'm gonna need someone to talk me into it... and then to hold me down so I don't run away crying with wax stuck to my crotch! LMAO!

Whoa is still in NY but only for a couple more days so.... he already said when he comes back he's ALL MINE! I think I'm totally gonna get him trashed and take advantage of him! I actually think it might be REALLY fun if we BOTH are totally trashed! LOL- I CAN'T WAIT! I miss him so much- but I'm beyond willing to wait a few days for his kiss! He broke his phone though.... poor baby! I think he needs a little TLC and a heavy dose of ME!

Delanie thought I was mad at her since I have been keeping to myself a bit more but I think I just needed a break from ppl.... I kinda needed to get myself together from all the school, work, and love life pressure.... I was on a short thread and didn't wanna go off on anyone else. We're kool tho- she's so funny..... she sounded all sad when I called yet excited (kinda how I imagine I must have sounded to Hammer) LMAO!

My professor totally gave me a 0 and dropped my grade from a 95 to a 75 because he SAYS I didn't post my paper on time... LIES! so ya.... I will be fighting that one if he doesn't come correct real soon!

So I'm about to be off...... gotta go shopping with C-pooh for the party..... interesting huh? lol.... a few months ago I never would have expected this to be ok..... but I guess that's the beauty of life.... all the unexpected surprises keep you from getting too bored. lol

-Blank

Hammer spoke again last night.... I wrote him and said... "Hey, I hope all is well with you" and closed out the convo- I never expected a reply because he was never really good at those.... Well,... he replied and was telling me about how he is and his coaches and all that..... I kinda just was glad to hear he was alright and was gonna leave it at that- he actually asked how I was doing..... that kinda threw me since I figured he wouldn't care..... I was curious and asked.... "have you thought about me at all?" and he said "Come on, you know I have" Funny- I want to see him again.... like I want to be in his life to some extent..... but I think I have accepted that as the BEST we can ever hope for.....

Whoa had an unexpected emergency this weekend and had to cancel our "romantic" plans..... I am trying to see this as realistically as I can- after 6 months I think I am falling for Whoa and I'm scared to get hurt..... I let my gaurd down with him and then pull back cuz I'm so scared.... Oh well, I guess I'll figure it out between now and the next 2 weeks.....

No bad news to speak of..... Me and my girls Mz Kay and Mz Fabulous had a girls weekend..... We talked about EVERYTHING and yesterday we went to the beach.... We had soooo much fun it's crazy! We totally MUST do it again!

Thoughtful Me

So,.... Whoa finally got a hold of me when I was on my way home from work last night... he said he was recording and didn't see my calls but that he didn't mean to make me nervous. I opened the conversation with... "I guess this was a bad idea huh? asking what I asked".... he said "NO NO NO!!!" and went on with the "baby, don't you understand how much I want you? There is NO OTHER female in my world" and how in his eyes I am possibly "THE ONE" for him because I get HIM and what he does.... I'm there for him... Took care of him....how much he loves spending time with me and he even said he loves making love to me! lol... I never hear a guy describe it the way he does.... And it's only happened twice so I don't feel like this is sexually based AT ALL! lol

He said he wants to be a great boyfriend to me.... I told him that all I did was ask HIM to ask ME to be his girlfriend..... So I told him I am going to give him until May 1st to do it.... He asked what if he wants to ask me in 2 days and I told him that's fine by me:) I just can't wait forever so I feel a month is a good time frame.... He asked what if anything has to change between now and then.... and that he will understand if I wanna ease off until then.... Although he said that would literally KILL HIM to not be able to spend time with me.... So I told him nothing will change... I really don't want it to... I love what we have and I love having him as the MAN in my life.... He is there when I need him and I know he feels something for me cuz he sure did chase me while I was busy pushing him back.... He put up with a lot and I just don't know what I'll do if I can't be with him...... we are good.... good for each other in all the right ways....

****Hammer was talking to me on the IM last night... wished me a happy April fool's day and told me about him being in Bmore now.... said he's trying to get used to it.... I was shocked when I didn't FEEL anything.... I was happy we spoke and I left the conversation short..... ****

I got Whoa a gift.... Its a wooden Journal with gold framed pages and a prayer engraved on the cover... It's so beautiful.... I wanted him to be able to write his thoughts and lyrics down somewhere safe.... he has hundreds of random sheets of paper thrown around so I think this will help... PLUS he has said he is trying to get more into his faith so I love the passage..... I hope he likes it.... Last night he asked me to go to the movies with him today after work so I'll be giving him his gift then.....

J-Mo made me agree not to buy Whoa any more gifts till his birthday because I have a serious problem with spoiling the guys I am with..... They never do for me so he said he is gonna help me break the cycle..... I'm so happy about that. And I hope it works.... He said start hinting that I really like or want something.... not too expensive and just see if he gets it for me..... hmmm,... I hate to do that.... accepting things is so hard for me.... but I will try

My Poor Baby

I worked all Saturday... up thru this morning.... Whoa has been sick! My poor baby! He was in the hospital all Friday and slept through from yesterday morning till this afternoon. I didn't feel too well myself... I don't know what was up but maybe I was really tired cuz the room was spinning, I had NO energy and I all around didn't feel good at all... But i did make my money so I'm not mad! lol....

Whoa and I had our first "conversation" about other girls early this week when it was brought to my attention by random office gossip that he was dating someone else... LOL- LOONNNGG story made short- Some girl saw something I was doing and felt compelled to say her friend was dating him and it would be soooo funny if he was dating us BOTH! I wanted to punch her dead in the face but resisted the urge and played it off like we were just homies and it was no big deal....

I did ask Whoa about it and he explained everything with no hesitation- The girl was from the past and NOTHING happened... they never slept together AND he hadn't spoken to her in a min. He said if I was uncomfortable he would have no problem coming down to my job and straightening that whole thing out because he didn't want it to affect "US".... after assuring him that it was ok and not a big deal and that I believed him we hung up and I was going on my way to see him.... he called me back 15 min later.... He opened with "Baby I really wanna apologize to you if you feel uncomfortable in any way... I'm really sorry and I just don't want this to make you feel any type of way....." He went on and on.... I must say- I appreciate the explanation.... And I'm glad that he broke it down and told me everything so I didn't have to ask.... But more than that- I was impressed by his concern for my feelings.... Needless to say I am kool with it!

Today is Easter and he is feeling a bit better so he said he wanted to come up here... I offered to go down to his condo but he really wants to stay here with me so that's kool by me:) He really wants me to cook... I even suggested going to see my mom and he was totally into it! He has a meeting and then he will be coming here... as he has PROMISED that he will see me today.... and to this point.... he ALWAYS keeps his promises to me.... But in the rare instances when he can't follow-thru... he does have a way of making it up.... He always keeps a smile on my face! LOVE IT =)

It's crazzy how much I like him.... I mean I liked him before but I was trying so hard NOT to because of Hammer (who by the way I have not talked to or felt the urge to speak to in over a week!) I really like our communication.... And common respect. I like the way he looks at me like I'm the ultimate woman and can do anything! I love the fact that he gives me as much attention as I give him and sometimes more... We seem to balance each other....

Boy Gets Girl....

Ever heard that story where the good girl thinks she has the perfect boyfriend... She knows that there are a lot of imperfections but she thinks if she just hangs in there long enough it will get better.... so she stays and puts up with him ignoring her and being "too busy" for her.... but there is always the "under dog" who sees how badly the bf treats what he considers a "princess" but had to fall back into the "best friend" position because he knew the girl wouldn't leave him..... Well that's my story... can you believe that? who would have thought? Well, I can't say that I will have the ultimate fairytale like they always get in the movies... but I can say that it feels good to have someone showing me attention for once... When we go out to dinner HE pays... When I call he comes running... I wonder how long this will last....

Right now things are wonderful.... he is making time for me as much as possible, calling to check up on me, lets me know what's going on.... He is letting me into his world and I like it... I have come to realize things are always going to start off perfect... they will always seem wonderful.... but when the rough times come you really see who a person is....

Because Whoa and I have built a friendship prior to anything else... I think we might have a shot.... he has seen my bad days, happy and sad days.... my "leave me alone" days AND my "needy" days..... he has seen a lot and he is still fighting to get me so who knows... one day at a time right? Well today is a good day.....

I actually started to take down the pix of Hammer and I... I'm doing it little by little and very slowly but still- its getting done..... I still love him.... and part of me always will,.... and I think he's a great guy, I just know that if I'm ever going to be happy I have to stop trying to become someone I'm not. I don't like people disappearing because I worry and stress... So trying to make a relationship work with someone who disappears frequently is not a positive move.... If I need a rose every day to be happy- I need a guy who WANTS to give me a rose every day... not a guy who thinks roses are dumb for so many reasons.... Boy, Growing up is crazy... but I'm getting the hang of it....

Bitter Sweet Smile of Sorrow

So, let's just be honest- Hammer and I are....."taking some time to think about what we really want" FUCK that! HE is thinking about what HE wants..... and I'm wondering if at this point I really care.... Once again..... this is just another example of how little I mean to him..... I decided not to sit at home and cry over this n e more tho.... I mean seriously.... what am I losing? Drama? Cause for Tears? Stress? Having this thing going on I have already had to go through the breakdown... I broke down for the last 2 months.... So I'm kinda over that part... I felt the anger and hurt already..... I had to go through it alone and alone is exactly what I was.... I don't want someone who has to THINK about if I'm the person he wants to be with... I want a guy who wonders how he ever did it without me.... I told him to let me know when he decideds what he wants.... Im giving him time.... and when he tells me... IF he tells me.... Maybe it will matter and maybe it won't... Mybe I'll need time to determin how much I care... So now.... I'm kinda relieved.... I busted out on Friday with "I'm single again, back on the prowl-cuz I thought he was perfect and now I don't know how..... Cuz I'm single again!" I sent that to WHOA! lol

So Whoa stayed with me on Friday night- I know what you're thinking and YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!! hahahaha... ok I'm kidding.... however he DID kiss me.... and I felt so wanted and needed and it felt good again.... I couldn't go beyond that for a lot of reasons and he didn't want to because he said "he likes me too much to do that" I told him "fast start fast finish" and I don't want to do that..... but just being in his arms was great!

I went out with Mz Celebrity and Mz Jamaica too! here for the weekend from ATL!!! we partied like rock stars! Tore up VIP every night and so many exclusive pool parties I can't even tell you!! Whoa kept in touch the whole time.... concerned.... yesterday was the highlight though- we went to drink and I had 2 double shots of liquid cocaine which made me have random uncontrollable outbursts of emotion..... I was crying and then laughing..... Ppl sure didn't help.... I got to catch up with all my football buddies which made my weekend cuz they really are some great guys (despite what you'll hear) and we always have fun! I was passed out on the hotel floor and then throwing up.... within 45 min i had gotten my act together and was able to shower so we could go out.... lol... ya I'm a soldier!

Whoa called in the midst of my throwing up binge and purge session and got all worried... so we met up and he wanted to know why I was drinking so much..... after cutting me off from drinks for the rest of the night he said "go out and party and flirt but don't drink anymore and let what happens on the dance floor stay there.... no numbers!" lol.... he's so cute when he puts his foot down.

I don't want to like him so much cuz I don't want to get hurt but he has just been there for me so much I don't know what I would have done without him.... and he didn't force anything..... It's so hard for me not to touch him.... is that weird? I just want him around and I like it when he is..... I hope I can trust him the way he says I can.... last night he said he was gonna be a good boy and go to sleep if he wasn't gonna see me.... I asked if thats a hard choice to make.... he said "not at all" because its worth it when you have someone who REALLY cares about you.... I like that- Clubs are not my thing any more... Unless I can be there with the person who matters to me most..... or my girls.... I just don't feel the need.... and that's a sign of growing up so I like it!

B-day and Casting

Wow.... this weekend was Hammer's B-day.... I had to work on the Sony commercial.... but he did call me... he said that morning he went to church... which I was happy about, he went home and slept and he says a lot of ppl were blowing him up with the HAPPY B_DAY's so I was happy about that.... For a moment I remembered MY last birthday- and it sucked! and I got a lil sad thinking about a repeat this year... I got nervous about someone close to me letting me down again..... I don't know what I would do if I had to handle that this year....... I asked Hammer if he'll be able to be here for it.... or if we could celebrate it together early.... he said he'll be down here for July so I'm trying not to worry so much..... ALTHOUGH his timing record is way off.... and he never seems to hold up HIS end of the bargain..... What can I do right? "put up and shut up" OR "Leave"......

Anyway.... He explained his disappearance... and it does make sense... but I told him tat next time he should call me and let me know he won't be reachable for a period of time... this way I won't worry..... He agreed..... It's getting a little easier for me to simply accept and move on.... I'm not so sure that's a good thing but.... I'm trying my BEST to be optimistic....

Whoa is really sick.... has been for a few days now... I was gonna stop by and make him some hot tea again but he was throwing up and couldn't talk and I couldn't remember how to get to his condo so I just went home- He wants me to come by later today so I'll be making that trip... I'm such a good friend **Patting myself on the back** = )

Last night I had the casting.... I really think I did well but I guess you never really know.... if someone else with more experience was all around BETTER- I don't have a shot in hell.... it WAS my 3rd casting EVER so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself..... It's a lot harder this way.... usually I just get booked... but to get thrown in the mill with 500 other girls who are either beautiful OR talented.... neither OR BOTH..... lol.... it's not easy.... but it is an experience anyone and everyone in the "Bizz" should be familiar with... nothing in this world comes easy.... not entirely anyway....

So there's this NEW guy "Great Pretender"....met him the other day on the set- 26, 6'3", X ball player, ambitious, no kids but a gf of 2 years.... we are really kool.... I mean that! In no way would I ever wanna disrespect my relationship OR his.... we showed each other pix of our "hearts" and shared stories... he's cute though.... said he had to "build up the courage to speak to me". When Rob called me he got jealous cuz I got so happy... He says he likes me cuz I'm so easy to talk to.... And when we are on the set together it's PURE COMEDY!!! I hope we stay friends....