"I just need to be alone..."

After spending such magical time with Whoa last week I was excited to think of the NEXT time we would share.... Thursday and Friday we had plans but those fell through and I have learned to go with it... It's crazy cuz I don't feel horrible anymore- I just know that when things don't work out he always seems to find a way to make it up to me.... We were talking Thursday after I got signed to that management team- He was really happy for me and I was please with my damn self! LOL but our "walk on the beach with ice cream" date was just not fitting in the schedule and it didn't look good for Friday either.... I was a lil sad cuz he was supposed to be going out of town to Ft Myers where M-Hoe lives and was supposed to have 2 shows there so needless to say I was a bit unhappy- come Friday night I had decided to have a lil faith and he called me.... He asked where I was and I told him home... He asked me (with disbelief in his voice) "Why are you home on a Friday night?" and I told him my jaw was finally not hurting and I wanted to get some sleep... He said he really wanted to talk to me about some stuff but that he had to call me right back..... When I woke up again it was 5:00 a.m. so I text him.... By sat morning he text me back:

"I'm feeling a bit depressed... I'm not totally sure... I just need some time alone for a little bit to figure this out...... give me a day or two..... u can believe it or not but that's how I'm feeling.... I don't know what I'm going through.... bare with me"

So I simply text back "I'm really sorry ur feeling bad baby... If you need anything I'm here.... Everything will be alright" I decided it was best to get out of the house and went shopping with Delanie....

I decided to give him the weekend with no communication from me.... no questions or anything on my part but Saturday night he sent me an email... "I miss you sweetheart.... just thinking bout you" I text back "I love you" and left it at that..... Sunday by 3 he asked "where r u?" and I figured we were alright again.... We spoke a few hours later and he seemed really happy to be talking to me... like he really missed hearing from me... Turns out he didn't go to Fort Myers at all.... he just did his show in MIA :) But I was proud of myself for listening to and respecting what he asked for (time alone) instead of checking in on him because that's what I wanted... I'm glad he's all good and he said he's gonna tell me all about what happened tomorrow when we go check out a movie "Wanted" we are both excited to see that one!

Well after my convo with Hammer the other day- where he said he misses me and that he's coming down in July AND that I KNOW he's gonna make time to see me.... I was kinda torn..... I really wanna see him! I mean he is a kool person and I do miss him.... but I don't wanna jump in bed with him.... I just want to see him out in public to see how he is.... to catch up... OK OK OK! MAYBE I want him to see me all done up and get jealous and be a little sad about what he lost..... MAYBE part of me wants him to wish he had done things differently.... MAYBE I just want a chance to see how seeing him again will be... BUT then there's WHOA! And he has my heart.... WHOA is the one who held me at night when Hammer crushed me... WHOA is the one who listens to me and asks how I am and checks up on me.... He's the one who sleeps on my floor to make sure I'm ok and breaks tiny baby sized pieces of his sandwhiches to make sure I eat.... He has been a friend AND lover.... and I owe him respect..... I just don't know what to do.... I'm not gonna mention anything until or unless I actually see Hammer... Knowing how unreliable he is- it makes no sense to bring it up if he might not even show..... I duno what to do.....

This boyfriend girlfriend thing is a bit tricky.... but believe it or not- this is the first time I feel like we are on the same page.... I feel like he really genuinely cares about me.... and we are learning how to not only DEAL with each other but we are understanding each others needs more.... We both have our needy "pay attention to MEEEE!" moments, our "leave me alone but don't go too far" moments, and our "GRRRRR" moments.... we get it ;) And I wouldn't trade my baby for the world!