Back!

Ok- so I know it has been a while since I wrote- Been so backed up in my own thoughts I needed time to gather myself before I would be able to write.... but I guess I'm back now.... To sum things up... Whoa and I are stronger now than EVER! We spend sooo much time together and I love it! He loves the way I take care of him and I love that he gives a damn how I feel. He does for me and I do for him... To be very honest I was starting to fall into a pool of doubt because I was so scared we were drifting... my mind was just some place else... but the he went to Texas and I went on vacation and that trip gave me a chance to think about what it is I want and what I am and am NOT willing to do or give up to get it. Well,. nothing is perfect but I want this time together to last.... As it is I have been in the studio ALL day and I'm still here.. we work out together, play games together, run errands, cook, go to movies, all together... and he even met my mom... They like each other and they even talk sometimes! He's letting me into his world more and that's all I really wanted.

On another note... Delanie and Dread are doing well... looking for me to give them a therapy session. Apparently ALL my friends feel like I should be a therapist because while I SUCK with my own choices... I am awesome at advising other ppl and opening their eyes to what else they may not see... or want to.

Meanwhile, Brother bear and his lady are no more.... They ended and All I know is that she needed to be in rehab and what was meant to be a short amount of time turned into a long, drawn out, unfortunate string of events.... I'm so sad for them... just because they are both good ppl. But no matter how much we may want it to work out.... some things just are not meant to be. This is a lesson J-Mo and Mz Kay learned too. she decided it and he was VERY upset. J-Mo keeps showing up to the house... finding every reason he can and then crossed the line when he publicly dragged Mz Kay arund a parking lot trying to profess his undying love for her. I think that really scared her more than anything and after that I am not too sure she would EVER even consider going back. I can't tell J-mo this in so many words... right now the possibility is all he really has,... I am very honest about the truth though. I wouldn't set him up for failure- although- When it was me loving C-pooh (his brother) he kept me around as a personal play toy for him. But I'm not that kind of person.

Mr Mayo doesn't talk to me AT ALL these days... can't say I'm too sad about that. Part of me wants the friendship... But the other part of me knows now that he was never my FRIEND... he just manipulates things and waits until you are weak enough for him to pounce on you like a wild lion.... I'm just tired of the disrespect and lack of concern for my well-being. I love Mr Mayo for who I thought he was... and should he ever become that person- I am here with open arms.... But I doubt it- so I won't hold my breath!

The whole group has dispersed itself and even Mz Brown and AKA won't come around anymore. I know AKA only came around for all the WRONG reasons but Mz Brown was one I thought would never pick sides... I guess I was wrong... or maybe she just chose not to be in it at all... o well.... I miss her but what can I do? Nothing.

Wednesday QT

Last night I was out shopping with Delanie when my FAV ring tone rang..... Whoa was just checking in on me to see how I was doing and to let me know that he was gonna leave the studio and be at my house for the night by midnight.... I was happy as always- I went home and took a nice long bubble bath to relax and found myself dozing off once 12 hit.... I called and text Whoa but got no reply so I figured he got caught up and was still recording so I went to sleep knowing if he called his ring tone would wake me...... at 5:00 in the morning I got a text from him saying he was sorry and such a loser for falling asleep at the studio... I text him back that it was ok and we would do it some other time... He called me at 7:00 to talk for a while....

He decided that while he normally only has closed sessions he is going to make the exception for me and Wednesday will be our day together in the studio! I was excited to hear that- He said I am a distraction since he is always wanting to be with me and talk and check up on me.... so I will be knocking out my homework or writing while he is working but at least we will be together... he told me about 2 X's... one he invited to the studio and she didn't want to go... he said it just wasn't her thing.... and the other (the last X) who he was with for 2 years and she is much older.... he said it was just a bad idea to ever have her there.... He didn't elaborate but I have been there with him a few times and we work well together....

He said he'll be working out his schd to make sure we have even more time together! I'm so happy right now! I didn't have to ask or anything.... I didn't even have to suggest... lol- I love my Whoa.... He wanted me to come down to the beach and hang with him today but I have work and class so- Tomorrow is Wednesday and we'll see eachother then :)

I asked why he has to record so much and he totally broke everything down for me.... Once he explains why he does things to me, I get it and it makes sense.... I feel like it's important that we keep our communication like it is.... we are only getting better with time and hopefully things continue to go so well!

MEANWHILE- String Bean keeps calling dumb late so I have just ignored him.... for every night he calls me late I simply don't speak for 2 days... so he text me yesterday that I do him wrong..... PLEASE! I text him back that if he would call me some time when I'm awake we would chat but since he only likes to call at 3-4 in the morning.... it can't happen.... he didn't like that and called me to tell me so- lol- he had to go back to work though so we didn't get to finish the conversation... I'm sure we will!

Hidden Frustration

Ever feel like you have walked into quick sand? Like fighting it or struggling only makes you sink deeper.... and no matter how quickly you think of ways to escape- your thoughts can't come to you fast enough....? Have you ever closed your eyes thinking if you just squeeze hard enough and then open them again everything that scared you will be gone and everything that was wrong will suddenly be right? Well,... I have... and each time is unlike the last... but the pattern or "chain of events" seems almost identical... One would think I should know better by now right? But to act as if I "Know better" is to act out of my character... I believe in second chances- Always have and sadly, always will. I know, I know... it's not really smart to just write off the bad in people as if you didn't see it because even if you block it out of your mind- that still exists.... I'm so tired though... Too tired to deal....

For Delanie's B-day we went to dinner where I was surrounded.... half by people I call my family and half by people who would call me their enemy... But I just prefer not to call them anything- to try and sum them up would take far more effort than I am willing or able to give them... I actually sat exactly at the point where both side's met (the middle) and ate dinner listening to foolishness (gossip and unkind words meant only for entertainment while picking at people they didn't even know but sat next to) and laughs... I was less than thrilled to be there but Delanie is definitely my homie and I would never desert her on her day because of the company she chooses to keep. I road it out and made sure she had fun, meanwhile, I was drained from the whole event.

Last night I cleaned my room... I just took everything apart and cleaned it from the beginning.... I know me- and something in my mind is not at ease because that's what I do when I'm frustrated or confused- I work it out by cleaning.... I feel the urge to make sense or take control of the things around me because I feel like I have lost control over something else in my world.

Normally I know exactly what it is that is hindering my ability to simply BE.... But right now I feel as though my mind has thrown a cloak over the issue and pushed it off to the side... Perhaps because that part of me is aware of how much I can and can't handle right now but it doesn't make me any less confused... and it certainly doesn't make me any less frustrated with myself.

Whoa watched fireworks with me and came to visit twice on July 4th... I was pleased! We had a great talk about our faith and where we both stand which made me very comfortable.... He was the one who wanted to talk until 4:30 in the morning! lol.... we had movie plans for Sunday after I got home from church but he had to work so we will simply go another time.... Speaking of CHURCH- I am happy to say that I have found a nice one that I want to go to again..... I have been looking for one for some time and never really found one that fit.... I think it's very important that everyone goes in their own time and that they are HAPPY where they choose to worship.... This place is nice and welcoming and Mz Kay and J-Mo invited me to go so it was easier than going alone.

Part of me is hoping that by going to church more regularly I might be able to get a closer look at myself and perhaps I'll find where I'm supposed to be.... I don't think that's a bad reason..... People go to find themselves all the time and if your heart is in the right place, if you are genuine and if you are willing to ask for help and guidance.... I do think you will find what your looking for... At least I hope...

"I just need to be alone..."

After spending such magical time with Whoa last week I was excited to think of the NEXT time we would share.... Thursday and Friday we had plans but those fell through and I have learned to go with it... It's crazy cuz I don't feel horrible anymore- I just know that when things don't work out he always seems to find a way to make it up to me.... We were talking Thursday after I got signed to that management team- He was really happy for me and I was please with my damn self! LOL but our "walk on the beach with ice cream" date was just not fitting in the schedule and it didn't look good for Friday either.... I was a lil sad cuz he was supposed to be going out of town to Ft Myers where M-Hoe lives and was supposed to have 2 shows there so needless to say I was a bit unhappy- come Friday night I had decided to have a lil faith and he called me.... He asked where I was and I told him home... He asked me (with disbelief in his voice) "Why are you home on a Friday night?" and I told him my jaw was finally not hurting and I wanted to get some sleep... He said he really wanted to talk to me about some stuff but that he had to call me right back..... When I woke up again it was 5:00 a.m. so I text him.... By sat morning he text me back:

"I'm feeling a bit depressed... I'm not totally sure... I just need some time alone for a little bit to figure this out...... give me a day or two..... u can believe it or not but that's how I'm feeling.... I don't know what I'm going through.... bare with me"

So I simply text back "I'm really sorry ur feeling bad baby... If you need anything I'm here.... Everything will be alright" I decided it was best to get out of the house and went shopping with Delanie....

I decided to give him the weekend with no communication from me.... no questions or anything on my part but Saturday night he sent me an email... "I miss you sweetheart.... just thinking bout you" I text back "I love you" and left it at that..... Sunday by 3 he asked "where r u?" and I figured we were alright again.... We spoke a few hours later and he seemed really happy to be talking to me... like he really missed hearing from me... Turns out he didn't go to Fort Myers at all.... he just did his show in MIA :) But I was proud of myself for listening to and respecting what he asked for (time alone) instead of checking in on him because that's what I wanted... I'm glad he's all good and he said he's gonna tell me all about what happened tomorrow when we go check out a movie "Wanted" we are both excited to see that one!

Well after my convo with Hammer the other day- where he said he misses me and that he's coming down in July AND that I KNOW he's gonna make time to see me.... I was kinda torn..... I really wanna see him! I mean he is a kool person and I do miss him.... but I don't wanna jump in bed with him.... I just want to see him out in public to see how he is.... to catch up... OK OK OK! MAYBE I want him to see me all done up and get jealous and be a little sad about what he lost..... MAYBE part of me wants him to wish he had done things differently.... MAYBE I just want a chance to see how seeing him again will be... BUT then there's WHOA! And he has my heart.... WHOA is the one who held me at night when Hammer crushed me... WHOA is the one who listens to me and asks how I am and checks up on me.... He's the one who sleeps on my floor to make sure I'm ok and breaks tiny baby sized pieces of his sandwhiches to make sure I eat.... He has been a friend AND lover.... and I owe him respect..... I just don't know what to do.... I'm not gonna mention anything until or unless I actually see Hammer... Knowing how unreliable he is- it makes no sense to bring it up if he might not even show..... I duno what to do.....

This boyfriend girlfriend thing is a bit tricky.... but believe it or not- this is the first time I feel like we are on the same page.... I feel like he really genuinely cares about me.... and we are learning how to not only DEAL with each other but we are understanding each others needs more.... We both have our needy "pay attention to MEEEE!" moments, our "leave me alone but don't go too far" moments, and our "GRRRRR" moments.... we get it ;) And I wouldn't trade my baby for the world!

"The Happening"

So last night I was supposed to cook for Whoa- Fried Salmon and Home made garlic potatoes... I was in so much pain by the time I got home I was not even feeling it- So I had text Whoa and not heard back ALL day- That's when I decided I was better off taking a Hot bath, watching TV and not stressing..... At 7:00 he called me to say he could come spend time but he didn't have his car..... He was on the beach so I offered to come because I was not hearing that come get me at 11:00 crap! An hour later he said he wanted me to come..... so I did.... Delanie was watching the awards at my house so I left her there to finish and told her I'd let her know if I wasn't coming back. When I got down there- even though I had been in pain and slightly annoyed at the 35 min drive.... I saw him and everything melted away..... (Gosh, I love it when he holds me)

He was so happy to see me and I couldn't get enough of him either.... He keeps calling me "girlfriend" lol- It's cute that he's trying SO hard to get used to it! He's obviously excited to be official and so am I! we had a great convo as I listened to his latest hit where we discussed the difference between "boyfriend" privileges and "guy" privileges.... As the boyfriend I will cook and clean and take care of him (back rubs) and go out of my way for him the best way I can.... I share and I'm open and honest.... The boyfriend gets more of me...... a better me..... the "guy" though- I have learned that I can't give it all to just any guy- Just like the husband gets certain things that the boyfriend won't..... I have learned I can't treat everyone the same.... He's loving the boyfriend perks! lol... and then he took me to the movies! We saw "the happening" which we both thought was Suckey! lol- but we agree that it was nice to go to the movie together anyway! We took turns rubbing each others back at diff times throughout the movie and then we went to get some food.... it was 1 in the morning by this time and I had promised to give him a back rub..... He mentioned wanting one over the weekend but at the time I thought he meant he had a scheduled massage...... when I asked about it he said he wanted a massage but had no one to give it to him.... So I was ready and willing to bust out the lotion and candles and rubbed him down till he fell asleep!! LOL- This morning I let him hold my car and he will be coming back to pick me up later....

I feel like we are on a good track right now! I just HOPE and PRAY this lasts..... he said I shouldn't ask when his "free time" is... I should ask when his "Elyse Time" is :) When I stepped out the shower this morning I was singing "Change me" by Rubben Studdard and the part about "we both know you don't look cute in the morning stuck out" I asked him If I look different to him in the morning because I have always heard about guys thinking "GOOD GRACIOUS! WHO IS THIS BEAST I'M WAKING UP NEXT TO?"... he said I have a natural beauty and I don't wear make-up so I look the same in the morning- beautiful.... I thought that was sweet- He drove me to work this morning and the convo was great then too- he said I think out loud.... I told him that some people don't like that.... But he said "it's really good, cuz at least I always know what you're thinking".... Which is very true- I'm just that kinda girl- An open book.... when I love, I love hard and when I give, I give everything.....

She's Single Again...

So.... Delanie and Slim made it 3 months ( not a very happy and healthy 3 months) but 3 nonetheless...... until this week,.... he went through her phone, FWD all the text messages to his phone and after studying them called her over to confess and confront her... She was pissed, while she wanted him to do it for weeks, she didn't want him to do it the way he did.... He was mean and clearly trying to make himself feel better...

She isn't sad really but then- who would be.... truth is that he beat her ass, became very needy, demanded to keep tabs on where she was and put her in a tiny box which she just didn't want to fit in.... She is my girl but she is not blameless in all this either- she definitely should not have played with fire! I told her to get out when he layed his hand on her and she didn't listen.... i told her to leave when the baby mama drama became physical, I told her to leave when she realized that everything about him was making her sick or mad..... but we all learn in our own time.....

So now she is "happy", tainted, but "happy" and I fully support her decision to just do her.... I think that she wanted something because everyone around her wanted it for her.... we all just wanted her to be happy but maybe right now her happiness is not going to be found within a relationship,.... maybe she needs to celebrate her first relationship- the most important one- the one with herself.

J-Mo and Mz Kay are doing very well these days.... J-Mo just celebrated his 26th B-day and is very happy that he will be getting married to his "dream girl" in less than 1 year! Mz Kay is still deciding on a lot and working on the save the dates which we will HOPEFULLY have done by the end of this month!

Mr Mayo is going to be returning from his vacation to Peru

As for Whoa and I- we are doing well I think.... Still a struggle to stay out of my own baggage but he is helping me see that maybe, just MAYBE, I'm not doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life! lol.... and maybe all men aren't the same.... Hmmm,... I am still not willing to completely succumb to this DREAM of mine but maybe he'll stick around long enough to make me want to..... I don't NEED the wedding bells right now... but I do still feel a strong need for a serious relationship that I can grow in and with..... And I so want this to be it!

The Gift of Groupies!

So, Tuesday was Whoa's b-day... So there I was on Monday night knowing that he was going to be locked in the studio for 2 days.... It was about 10:00 when I got a call that was unexpected but very appreciated... I so badly wanted to be with him on this day as I never really got to be there with a bf for his day before.... So he was just talking and told me he was on his way to see me- in fact- he would be getting to my house in about 15 min. I was sooo happy! He got there and was totally tipsy.... He told me that they wanted to get him drunk for his b-day... so he had 3 glasses of goose and cran and then came the "gift". He has a rule about no females in the studio because it's hard to focus and get things done... But the producer he was with had some "special" friends over.... when he realized one was getting "friendly" the producer told him that "they know WHO you are and they LIKE you!" that's when he said he realized they were his "gifts"..... he said he was like "whoa whoa whoa! They can't be here" but I assume they didn't take him seriously so to avoid getting in trouble he came up to see me.... lol All I could think- In the midst of his honest moment was "GOOD JOB!" I was so excited that he took the initiative to leave and then that he told me about it....

It was difficult but I didn't look at it like the jealous gf because I don't want him to NOT tell me these things in the future..... I was just thankful that he felt he could tell me.... He planned to only stay for an hour but wound up staying because I was worried about him driving home.... He slept on my couch with me for a while we watched a movie with J-Mo and Delanie.....

The next morning he left and I went to work- I was secure in the moment but was kinda concerned about what they would do the night of his b-day...... Fortunately for me- He wound up asking me to come to the studio- It was just he and I there.... He let me hear a lot of his new stuff and OMG I loved it! We wrote together for a while and then we took turns driving home... lol- He stayed over that night and...... This was a night to remember! ;) He def "put me to bed"...

I took yesterday off cuz I was officially worn OUT! lol..... And then last night.... He wanted to come stay with me again...... he called at 1 and said "baby, did I wake you?" I was like "its OK, whats up? u OK?" he said "I was just thinking that I really wanna come by, do you mind?"I said "not at all, you know you're always welcome here.... if you want to come just let me know"and he said "OK babe, I'll know in 30 min so I'm gonna call you OK?"then he called back.... and he was like half sleeping.... he was like "Baby, I don't think I can make it.... I'm so tired,.." I asked where he was and he said close to his house.... the studio is a lot closer to his place so I said "if you can't stay awake and drive then you should sleep there" he said "I really need to sleep" so I said "OK sweetheart, bunches and bunches of kisses..... sleep well" and he said "muah muah muah... ok.... love you.... goodnight"

Mz Kay said today that he is the first guy who is actually LISTENING to what I need and want and trying to make that happen.... Which is so nice because I am the type of person who naturally does that for someone else too! These are the days I wanted.... simple- care free- drama free- and lovely...... I sure am in a state of bliss.... although I'm still gaurded..... I really hope he's not gonna hurt me like all the others have.... I really HOPE!

"Sex, The City, and Girls Weekend"

Friday night me and my girls couldn't WAIT to go see Sex and the City! We bought our tickets from Wednesday and planned to get Glamorous for this occasion! And so we did! We were all in amazing dresses and by far the BEST looking girls in the theater! We actually got there an hour early and were second in a line that soon wrapped around the halls..... But it was amazing! We had all left our "men" behind and were ready to gossip, vent, laugh, and relax without them for a few days....

Whoa and I were supposed to link up but never got around to it and in an effort to "walk my damn talk" I made sure not to stress it.... sure enough.... in the midst of my movie fun he was looking for me... making plans to link up the next morning before he had to go out of town for the weekend.... Poor thing was still a little sick so I couldn't help but WANT to go take care of him (run him a hot bath, hot tea, wrap him up , give him some soup and rub his back till he fell asleep) but for the sake of "being stronger women" I made sure to resist the urge and told HIM what to do to feel better in the morning...

Saturday morning he wrote to tell me he wanted to see me ASAP since he was leaving for TAMPA's show.... so I went down to MIA to see my boo! I got there and he had gone to get food so I had to wait outside for 25 min since he forgot to give me the key he was talking about.... I was a lil upset but we talked and got everything settled.... He delayed his plans 3 hours so he would have more time to hang with me which I was very impressed by AND he asked me some very interesting questions... we spoke of kids before but when I asked when he wanted to settle down.... he said .... "I wanna be married by next December..." I was in shock to hear that because it's pretty specific but he also said he feels like he's heading in the right direction for it.... and asked about US being together and how I would at least know my husband can take care of me... It just gives me hope that perhaps he's taking me seriously and this battle is finally coming to an end....

After hanging in Miami for the day for part 2 of "girls weekend" I went home to sleep and boy was I tired! So I got a call from Delanie Sunday morning which started out with "I saw Whoa last night" I was totally blown since I was TOLD he would be in Tampa and got all the facts.... I was about to lose my calm when Delanie said "Don't say anything, he was with his manager and NO girls, and he spoke to me and it doesn't seem like he did anything wrong... see if he tells you on his own" So I took her good advice and waited..... Needless to say I was concerned but didn't let that ruin the rest of my day.... we went to the Shore club and chillaxed.... I saw MANY of the guys I used to hang around and in my tiny lil bikini I was getting some good attention... It was nice... and the remedy to a bruised ego is always a healthy dose of admiration.... So I indulged myself a bit while not giving out my number or getting close to ANY guys..... There was a soccer player and his whole crew who were gawking, random ppl who came to ask about our evening plans, a football player who was clearly as into himself as he would be any female (total turn off) and a few others.....

Whoa hadn't called all day so I decided to be my usual and sent him a message:

"I love you- I love u- I luv you- I luv u- Eye.Heart.You

No matter how I say it, think it, or write it,... I still can't shake it! And I hope ur experiencing the same occurrence"

A couple hours later he called me and said he was up the street... he only had one hour he could steal from studio time but he wanted to drive up to see me.... J-Mo was at the house too so he was there when Whoa got there.... I'm glad that at LEAST he knows he is around a lot more because all my friends had an issue with the fact that they weren't seeing him much..... I was sooo happy- He's been doing that a lot lately and I love getting in every min I can with him! I had a surprise for him too.... I had gotten him an ice cream cake and decorated it for his birthday with little music note candles... HE LOVED IT! thought it was adorable that I would do that for him.... He was thinking of me too cuz he brought me dinner and ice cream so we could have desert together... lol... He's so thoughtful! He also explained the WHOLE not being in Tampa thing which made sense because he actually told me in advance..... I just didn't remember... I never let on that Delanie had told me anything.... ;) And he wound up sleeping over!!

It's so funny that he is so comfortable staying with me now.... like, he has a toothbrush and everything... I buy the things he likes.... And he even said "we live in Miami don't we" as if I live WITH him in his condo- he's really only 25 min away but.... ya.... I'm happy he's making so many efforts! This week I will be taking a day off to go to his place and he is supposed to cook for me!!! I'm super excited about that one! Tomorrow is his birthday so hopefully I'll see him a little bit..... He said he got me something but I guess I'll get that when I go to his house this week! (I think it's prefume)

Drama!

So,.... this past week I have not been myself,... Or maybe I was a lil too much myself and not enough of who I have been trying to be (A better more mature me) Whoa has been caught in the studio and he's almost done with his album,..... But I was so lonely it's not even funny.... I got stuck chillen with my X-BFF and dealing with more drama then I bargained for this week...

Slim busted Delanie in her lip "by accident" TWICE! I wanted to go over there and pop him real good just for that! She was drunk Sat night when he did it and couldn't remember much so he said he was pointing at her when he was mad and "accidentally" hit her.... but her whole head was throbbing on top of the fact that her mouth was bleeding (both top and bottom lip split) so she started putting it all together and realized he hit her more than once..... so clearly- the only accident was in him getting caught! She has to go to court with him in a few weeks cuz his CRAZY X keyed their cars... so she doesn't wanna leave him "yet".... Of course she couldn't tell her mom that on mother's day so she told ppl I was swinging a chain and she walked into it.... WTF?!?! I helped her make up a lie so she could avoid the drama but it def had nothing to do with ME being the one to bust her face! I dunno- I have to let her see him for what he is on her own... But his baggage and insecurities are a BIG HUGE GIANT PROBLEM! She said "he feels really bad about it and was crying and said he would never do it again and that he couldn't believe he did it at all" I say that sounds like CLASSIC BULL*ish to me! Having been hit before by a guy who thought doing it in public was "kool"- And then watching it happen to my friends and cousins.... I have no sympathy for these guys... Frankly, I wish someone would bust their lips and throw them around and knock the wind out of them so they can understand what it feels like!

I met this guy- "Doc" on Friday when I went to the club...... I know- so against my policy but what the hell.... I was tired of being alone and he wanted to talk..... Any way, he's 6'3", 23 years old, works at the hospital, in school to be in the medical field.... lives with his fam, great smile, good conversationalist, has an 8 PACK!!! lol.... and he is going to be in his first fashion show this month so I'm excited for him..... he's totally into me right now but I'm feeling it out as who he is as a person.....

I found out that I have fallen for Whoa when I THOUGHT I had lost him- I mean totally..... And it's scaring me a lil.... I'm not ready to get hurt again..... and when I didn't hear from him for a couple days this week I thought he had moved on from me.... I felt hurt and betrayed and alone.... I felt like he just up and left me.... there was this HUGE hole in my heart and I couldn't really deal.... Loving him is making me incapable of living my life.... So in order to take my mind off it I conversed with Doc.... I know I know.... digging my hole right? Well,.... My heart hurts and there are no pills that make it stop.... The best I can do is to occupy my time..... Yesterday Whoa said he loves me (again) and that he misses me and yada yada.... I believe him.... Its just- I have been down a similar path before and I'm terrified to do it to myself again.... I don't plan on anything popping off with Doc because of my feelings for Whoa and Whoa is STILL the man I WANT in my life.... but it's nice to have a friend I can hang with.... That's all I want right now... and while it's shallow and selfish... I guess it helps that he likes me....

Saturday night AKA got to play "Drunk" after just one cup and blamed it on not eating...... she had a sandwhich that day and nothing else.... Well, personally, sometimes I eat that much for the day too and Liq would affect you more drastically but..... then she ate 2 pancakes and got WORSE..... it was not making sense at all... I think she just wanted to get some attention- mission accomplished! She threw herself around and I mean all on the floor and the pretended to pass out like 15 times..... Really bad acting though cuz I didn't buy it and neither did Mr Mayo...

Mz Fabulous FINALLY brought her boy toy around and they are too cute! I totally LOVE IT! Sad that Mr Mayo acted a bit of an ass and she clearly was uncomfortable but I told her not to worry and not to let anyone F up her Mo-Jo cuz they were cute and he is really nice!

C-Pooh got engaged...... Friday he officially popped the question... I'm not sad because I want him.... because I really don't... But I'm sad that I don't have a ring on my finger... I'm sad that even HE (king of the whores, Mr. never gonna get married) is getting closer to what I want... Having a life time commitment. And part of me can't help but wonder if my time will EVER come.... I mean she is controlling, bipolar, evil and vindictive cheater..... and he asked HER?? what about the ones like me? The faithful ones who actually care more about other ppl than themselves..... the good girls! I guess we finish last too huh?

I just want to get myself together right now.... and say to hell with all this extra randomness! things really sucked this past week and they say when it gets so bad u think it can't get any worse.... the only way things can get is BETTER! So I'm looking forward to my "better" moment and hopefully God will be opening that window soon.... the one he always opens when all the doors get closed in your face.... I'm waiting....

Waxing- WTF???

Ok so me and Mz Kay wanna get waxed- BRAZILLIAN! Our other friends have done this many times and feel it's the only way to live life! lol.... far be it for me to say otherwise when I have yet to experience what stories have led me to believe is one of the most PAINFUL procedures women are willing to torment ourselves with! But Mz Kay wants to do it before her wedding and I'm all in for the festivities! I think I just don't wanna do it alone- I'm gonna need someone to talk me into it... and then to hold me down so I don't run away crying with wax stuck to my crotch! LMAO!

Whoa is still in NY but only for a couple more days so.... he already said when he comes back he's ALL MINE! I think I'm totally gonna get him trashed and take advantage of him! I actually think it might be REALLY fun if we BOTH are totally trashed! LOL- I CAN'T WAIT! I miss him so much- but I'm beyond willing to wait a few days for his kiss! He broke his phone though.... poor baby! I think he needs a little TLC and a heavy dose of ME!

Delanie thought I was mad at her since I have been keeping to myself a bit more but I think I just needed a break from ppl.... I kinda needed to get myself together from all the school, work, and love life pressure.... I was on a short thread and didn't wanna go off on anyone else. We're kool tho- she's so funny..... she sounded all sad when I called yet excited (kinda how I imagine I must have sounded to Hammer) LMAO!

My professor totally gave me a 0 and dropped my grade from a 95 to a 75 because he SAYS I didn't post my paper on time... LIES! so ya.... I will be fighting that one if he doesn't come correct real soon!

So I'm about to be off...... gotta go shopping with C-pooh for the party..... interesting huh? lol.... a few months ago I never would have expected this to be ok..... but I guess that's the beauty of life.... all the unexpected surprises keep you from getting too bored. lol

Dinner Party

Last night Delanie, Slim, Kid Sister, GiGi, and Whoa came over.... AFTER Smart Guy and KY left... lol... I made dinner (which everyone loved) Mz Kay had some too and she said it was good so I'm going with that! lol.. Whoa was HAPPY AS HELL and wanted seconds and thirds... lol...How cute! We had (for my first time in a long time) "couple" time.... where we all chilled in the living room and talked while Delanie was hugged up on Slim and Whoa was hugged up on me.... I was so happy..... = )

Whoa decided to stay over since he now has a TOOTHBRUSH at my place and he had to get his hair done first thing this morning up here so it made sense.... He wanted to stay up ALL night talking.... We played "TOTAL HONESTY" lol.... and boy was that "HOT" seat HOTTTT!!! lol He asked how I felt about him, Told me his intentions, and shared some intimate details without me having to push for it.... He couldn't stop touching me... lol... not in a disrespectful way but hugging me, playing with my hair, kissing my shoulders and back and he gave me a back rub till I fell asleep!! All this while TALKING! about things that MATTER! he actually cut off the TV in the middle of a movie to TALK! I was in shock... I never get that much attention unless I'm the one begging for it... And here he is just willing to give it to me....

He asked me to go pick out furniture for his condo with him.... Apparently its kinda bare since he's not there much lately..... but he wants my "touch" so I'm more than willing to help. He gave me complete power last night... There is one female friend he has who likes him.... he cut everyone else off but he likes their friendship.... he said he would never disrespect me and she knows about me cuz he always brings me up..... BUT if I were to become uncomfortable with it he is willing to cut her off too... I think it's good that he is so honest and open about it... I don't wana tell him to stop being her friend-they barely even talk now and... friends are good! I LOVE mine and some of them like me too so how fair would that be? But at least he is catering to how I feel instead of telling me I need to just deal cuz they are friends.... This is helping me to trust him!

We got up this morning and it was so nice.... Waking up next to someone who looks at you like even with the messy hair, eye bugers, and pillow marks on your face- YOU ARE GORGEOUS! He waited for me to finish my shower and chilled for a min then he left and I got dressed for work...... Morning kisses... Love 'em!