Bad feelings.....

Ok-so here I am again- sitting in the studio and loving every min of it! I guess I can start this off with Mz Brown b-cuz that is the one thing I am the happiest about.... So she came to the house last nmight and we all talked... Things went really well because I found out that she didn't just stop coming around because she had picked sides... turns out she was never really mad at me or Mz Kay in the first place. She said it is just hard for her to spend so much time with J-Mo and then to come hang with us... she was torn and felt that he needed her attention more than us because we are fine and he is really unstable right now.....

C-Pooh'z X before me wanted a baby more than anything... apparently she slept with anything she could find to get one... now she has one and she also now has full blown AIDS and was supposed to pass away on thanksgiving but she is still here.... I can't decide if I should go visit or not- I know I didn't really know her but I just feel like it must be really lonely and hard to know any day now you will die... she has been in there for the last year so I hope the pain ends sooner for her than later.. I know thats not the best thught ever but I mean it only so she won't be in pain. Mz Brown wants me to go with her to see her.... She said she has patches of hair, she's too weak to lift her hand, her lungs are so far gone she can barely speak and she has to pump morphine constantly....

Mama Dukes also JUST called me and told me that she had a dream about her mom.... My grandmother was my favorite person in the world... especially when my dad and I got on a rocky path... but she did some things and it was hard to forgive her- i was the ONLY one in my family who couldn't hold on to the anger.... The last time I saw her she didn't know who I was and at my age it was hard to deal with that.... They want me to go see her this weekend because my mom thinks she might pass soon- she had a dream about her.... and she IS 84 now so I guess she has a point... Why is it so damn hard for me to deal with death and the possibility of?? My other grandmother seems so sad now too and I get the worst feeling in the world about her.... I love her to pieces and if anything ever happened.... I don't think the guilt would be something easy to deal with.... Shr and my great aunt lay the guilt trips on pretty thick everytime we talk so... IDK....

Back!

Ok- so I know it has been a while since I wrote- Been so backed up in my own thoughts I needed time to gather myself before I would be able to write.... but I guess I'm back now.... To sum things up... Whoa and I are stronger now than EVER! We spend sooo much time together and I love it! He loves the way I take care of him and I love that he gives a damn how I feel. He does for me and I do for him... To be very honest I was starting to fall into a pool of doubt because I was so scared we were drifting... my mind was just some place else... but the he went to Texas and I went on vacation and that trip gave me a chance to think about what it is I want and what I am and am NOT willing to do or give up to get it. Well,. nothing is perfect but I want this time together to last.... As it is I have been in the studio ALL day and I'm still here.. we work out together, play games together, run errands, cook, go to movies, all together... and he even met my mom... They like each other and they even talk sometimes! He's letting me into his world more and that's all I really wanted.

On another note... Delanie and Dread are doing well... looking for me to give them a therapy session. Apparently ALL my friends feel like I should be a therapist because while I SUCK with my own choices... I am awesome at advising other ppl and opening their eyes to what else they may not see... or want to.

Meanwhile, Brother bear and his lady are no more.... They ended and All I know is that she needed to be in rehab and what was meant to be a short amount of time turned into a long, drawn out, unfortunate string of events.... I'm so sad for them... just because they are both good ppl. But no matter how much we may want it to work out.... some things just are not meant to be. This is a lesson J-Mo and Mz Kay learned too. she decided it and he was VERY upset. J-Mo keeps showing up to the house... finding every reason he can and then crossed the line when he publicly dragged Mz Kay arund a parking lot trying to profess his undying love for her. I think that really scared her more than anything and after that I am not too sure she would EVER even consider going back. I can't tell J-mo this in so many words... right now the possibility is all he really has,... I am very honest about the truth though. I wouldn't set him up for failure- although- When it was me loving C-pooh (his brother) he kept me around as a personal play toy for him. But I'm not that kind of person.

Mr Mayo doesn't talk to me AT ALL these days... can't say I'm too sad about that. Part of me wants the friendship... But the other part of me knows now that he was never my FRIEND... he just manipulates things and waits until you are weak enough for him to pounce on you like a wild lion.... I'm just tired of the disrespect and lack of concern for my well-being. I love Mr Mayo for who I thought he was... and should he ever become that person- I am here with open arms.... But I doubt it- so I won't hold my breath!

The whole group has dispersed itself and even Mz Brown and AKA won't come around anymore. I know AKA only came around for all the WRONG reasons but Mz Brown was one I thought would never pick sides... I guess I was wrong... or maybe she just chose not to be in it at all... o well.... I miss her but what can I do? Nothing.

Hidden Frustration

Ever feel like you have walked into quick sand? Like fighting it or struggling only makes you sink deeper.... and no matter how quickly you think of ways to escape- your thoughts can't come to you fast enough....? Have you ever closed your eyes thinking if you just squeeze hard enough and then open them again everything that scared you will be gone and everything that was wrong will suddenly be right? Well,... I have... and each time is unlike the last... but the pattern or "chain of events" seems almost identical... One would think I should know better by now right? But to act as if I "Know better" is to act out of my character... I believe in second chances- Always have and sadly, always will. I know, I know... it's not really smart to just write off the bad in people as if you didn't see it because even if you block it out of your mind- that still exists.... I'm so tired though... Too tired to deal....

For Delanie's B-day we went to dinner where I was surrounded.... half by people I call my family and half by people who would call me their enemy... But I just prefer not to call them anything- to try and sum them up would take far more effort than I am willing or able to give them... I actually sat exactly at the point where both side's met (the middle) and ate dinner listening to foolishness (gossip and unkind words meant only for entertainment while picking at people they didn't even know but sat next to) and laughs... I was less than thrilled to be there but Delanie is definitely my homie and I would never desert her on her day because of the company she chooses to keep. I road it out and made sure she had fun, meanwhile, I was drained from the whole event.

Last night I cleaned my room... I just took everything apart and cleaned it from the beginning.... I know me- and something in my mind is not at ease because that's what I do when I'm frustrated or confused- I work it out by cleaning.... I feel the urge to make sense or take control of the things around me because I feel like I have lost control over something else in my world.

Normally I know exactly what it is that is hindering my ability to simply BE.... But right now I feel as though my mind has thrown a cloak over the issue and pushed it off to the side... Perhaps because that part of me is aware of how much I can and can't handle right now but it doesn't make me any less confused... and it certainly doesn't make me any less frustrated with myself.

Whoa watched fireworks with me and came to visit twice on July 4th... I was pleased! We had a great talk about our faith and where we both stand which made me very comfortable.... He was the one who wanted to talk until 4:30 in the morning! lol.... we had movie plans for Sunday after I got home from church but he had to work so we will simply go another time.... Speaking of CHURCH- I am happy to say that I have found a nice one that I want to go to again..... I have been looking for one for some time and never really found one that fit.... I think it's very important that everyone goes in their own time and that they are HAPPY where they choose to worship.... This place is nice and welcoming and Mz Kay and J-Mo invited me to go so it was easier than going alone.

Part of me is hoping that by going to church more regularly I might be able to get a closer look at myself and perhaps I'll find where I'm supposed to be.... I don't think that's a bad reason..... People go to find themselves all the time and if your heart is in the right place, if you are genuine and if you are willing to ask for help and guidance.... I do think you will find what your looking for... At least I hope...

"Wanted" and a ticket?

Sunday I told Whoa about my mom saying how she liked "Wanted" and how she said I should go with him.... he said Tuesday it was a date! lol... So I was excited for what I had to look forward to... Mz Fabulous had asked that we all go to her condo in Aventura so we could film her commercial for her upcoming birthday extravaganza!! So I road with Mz Kay down there and we had a lot of fun with "the ladies" filming our scenes! I had to leave a bit early though because Whoa had asked that I get the latest movie showing time and he was determined to see SOMETHING! lol-

I had J-Mo drop me off there and the ticket girl told me that the movie was PACKED! even at 10:50 at night on a TUESDAY! I was BLOWN and slightly upset but happy I would at least see my boo any min....... He walked up and asked if I had the tickets so he could pay me back- I told him what the ticket lady said and he went, bought two tickets and proceeded to check for seats for us.... he called me while I had just finished getting my chili cheeses fries and walked me in to two FRONT ROW seats! LMAO.... then he left to get nachos and drinks for us both.... I shared my fries and boy was he starving... he was really glad I was finally able to eat some chili and cheese off the top....... lol- during the movie he dozed off a little (my poor baby was so sleepy from working so hard) and he actually pooted! lmao! It was so funny- he just looked at me and said "Now we're broken in" and smiled....

After the movie he took me home where he also spent the night and we stayed up talking and watching TV for a while.... we dozed off and I decided to sleep in a little since we were up so late and we had a great morning talk so I wasn't in a rush..... when we finally parted ways with my kiss I hit the road and got a ticket! stupid ass cop pissed me off! and on top of it I know I wasn't going as fast as he SAID he clocked me at.... but whatever- now I have a 200.00 ticket! I'm trying to be calm..... my birthday is coming up really soon and I planned on using my extra money for other things..... but I'm gonna just chill and not stress if possible and see how things work out....

She's Single Again...

So.... Delanie and Slim made it 3 months ( not a very happy and healthy 3 months) but 3 nonetheless...... until this week,.... he went through her phone, FWD all the text messages to his phone and after studying them called her over to confess and confront her... She was pissed, while she wanted him to do it for weeks, she didn't want him to do it the way he did.... He was mean and clearly trying to make himself feel better...

She isn't sad really but then- who would be.... truth is that he beat her ass, became very needy, demanded to keep tabs on where she was and put her in a tiny box which she just didn't want to fit in.... She is my girl but she is not blameless in all this either- she definitely should not have played with fire! I told her to get out when he layed his hand on her and she didn't listen.... i told her to leave when the baby mama drama became physical, I told her to leave when she realized that everything about him was making her sick or mad..... but we all learn in our own time.....

So now she is "happy", tainted, but "happy" and I fully support her decision to just do her.... I think that she wanted something because everyone around her wanted it for her.... we all just wanted her to be happy but maybe right now her happiness is not going to be found within a relationship,.... maybe she needs to celebrate her first relationship- the most important one- the one with herself.

J-Mo and Mz Kay are doing very well these days.... J-Mo just celebrated his 26th B-day and is very happy that he will be getting married to his "dream girl" in less than 1 year! Mz Kay is still deciding on a lot and working on the save the dates which we will HOPEFULLY have done by the end of this month!

Mr Mayo is going to be returning from his vacation to Peru

As for Whoa and I- we are doing well I think.... Still a struggle to stay out of my own baggage but he is helping me see that maybe, just MAYBE, I'm not doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life! lol.... and maybe all men aren't the same.... Hmmm,... I am still not willing to completely succumb to this DREAM of mine but maybe he'll stick around long enough to make me want to..... I don't NEED the wedding bells right now... but I do still feel a strong need for a serious relationship that I can grow in and with..... And I so want this to be it!

The Gift of Groupies!

So, Tuesday was Whoa's b-day... So there I was on Monday night knowing that he was going to be locked in the studio for 2 days.... It was about 10:00 when I got a call that was unexpected but very appreciated... I so badly wanted to be with him on this day as I never really got to be there with a bf for his day before.... So he was just talking and told me he was on his way to see me- in fact- he would be getting to my house in about 15 min. I was sooo happy! He got there and was totally tipsy.... He told me that they wanted to get him drunk for his b-day... so he had 3 glasses of goose and cran and then came the "gift". He has a rule about no females in the studio because it's hard to focus and get things done... But the producer he was with had some "special" friends over.... when he realized one was getting "friendly" the producer told him that "they know WHO you are and they LIKE you!" that's when he said he realized they were his "gifts"..... he said he was like "whoa whoa whoa! They can't be here" but I assume they didn't take him seriously so to avoid getting in trouble he came up to see me.... lol All I could think- In the midst of his honest moment was "GOOD JOB!" I was so excited that he took the initiative to leave and then that he told me about it....

It was difficult but I didn't look at it like the jealous gf because I don't want him to NOT tell me these things in the future..... I was just thankful that he felt he could tell me.... He planned to only stay for an hour but wound up staying because I was worried about him driving home.... He slept on my couch with me for a while we watched a movie with J-Mo and Delanie.....

The next morning he left and I went to work- I was secure in the moment but was kinda concerned about what they would do the night of his b-day...... Fortunately for me- He wound up asking me to come to the studio- It was just he and I there.... He let me hear a lot of his new stuff and OMG I loved it! We wrote together for a while and then we took turns driving home... lol- He stayed over that night and...... This was a night to remember! ;) He def "put me to bed"...

I took yesterday off cuz I was officially worn OUT! lol..... And then last night.... He wanted to come stay with me again...... he called at 1 and said "baby, did I wake you?" I was like "its OK, whats up? u OK?" he said "I was just thinking that I really wanna come by, do you mind?"I said "not at all, you know you're always welcome here.... if you want to come just let me know"and he said "OK babe, I'll know in 30 min so I'm gonna call you OK?"then he called back.... and he was like half sleeping.... he was like "Baby, I don't think I can make it.... I'm so tired,.." I asked where he was and he said close to his house.... the studio is a lot closer to his place so I said "if you can't stay awake and drive then you should sleep there" he said "I really need to sleep" so I said "OK sweetheart, bunches and bunches of kisses..... sleep well" and he said "muah muah muah... ok.... love you.... goodnight"

Mz Kay said today that he is the first guy who is actually LISTENING to what I need and want and trying to make that happen.... Which is so nice because I am the type of person who naturally does that for someone else too! These are the days I wanted.... simple- care free- drama free- and lovely...... I sure am in a state of bliss.... although I'm still gaurded..... I really hope he's not gonna hurt me like all the others have.... I really HOPE!

Memorial Day Weekend!

OK- so here's he story- Friday night we went to Barchetta's and totally brought the house down! My girls and I were the HOTTEST thing in the place and EVERYone (including my fav DJ and News Anchor's) made sure we had the ROYAL treatment! Mz Fabulous totally got passes for the pretty rick event and the damn thing was JOKE! So- Mz Lee's man is part of the group and dropped his phone! Mz Kay innocently stumbled on to it and couldn't wait to show me! I was so torn.... but we decided that despite how we feel about her,.... we should do the right thing and return it because that's what we would want..... So Mz Kay went up to him and said she wanted to return it, he asked where she found it... she told him and then he asked for her number..... she told him she was off the market and he said he was too but that he STILL wanted the number.... she was disgusted and quickly left but after we thought about how she should have told him that because she knows his girl,... that wouldn't be right.... LMAO! Turns out she is getting treated the way she treats others.... it's not funny... actually its sad.... but somehow- it's feeling like justice.

Saturday night we celebrated MA's birthday which later turned into a disaster.... lets just say.... J-Mo came out in full effect!

Sunday we went to a beach spa with Activator (our new friend from Friday night) and it was soooo much fun.... at the end of the day everyone was mad at Mz Kay and I for not going to the beach cook out but hey- I'm too pissed with the whole crew to even care right now... I spoke to Brother bear and he's OK with me so that's all I care about....

Mr Mayo is totally up my butt and I'm almost ready to bust out and kick some reality into him..... I told him flat out that we couldn't be together and he didn't get it.... had the NERVE (knowing I'm with Whoa) to ask me to go away with him for a weekend for my birthday... I told him that we are JUST friends and nothing more and that if I could create a visual I can see myself going down a path and I just don't see him and I together on it- EVER..... yet still he thinks I'm playing.... God didn't give me THAT much patients..... I have a HUGE heart- but damn! I can't take much more of this crap.....

Last night Whoa came to visit me (SURPRISE!!!!!) everyone was there and Mr. Mayo was clearly MAD but knew he couldn't say SHIT to me.... But Whoa jumped out his car- threw on his shoes.... ran up to me while i was jumping up and down cus I was happy to see him , picked me up and ran around the parking lot screaming "my baby misssssees meeee!" lol.... it was a great moment! we listened to his next single and I fell in love with it already! This one is a hit! and the CD is on point... I'm sooo proud of him! he spent the night and we both went to work late... lol... just really loved talking and spending time.... we are supposed to go to the movies this week and have lunch on a diff day this week too.... I hope that happens! AND..... last night I told him that I love him..... but he was sleeping.... so I don't know if he heard me... lol... this morning he said it when he was leaving and kissing me goodbye..... ;)

The run down....

So,... this past week has been a roller coaster for me and seemed to only be spiralling DOWN...... Wed and Thurs Whoa made plans with me..... BOTH days he had to cancel.... Then Friday he asked me to go to an early breakfast to make up for it all..... Well loooong story short- he wound up not coming until 12 and then decided to go to the DMV first..... which had me BLOWN! I was soooo upset cuz I felt like "DAMN! do u even care?".... I called and was stressed and tired of waiting to go to lunch with him because he might cancel again and I was just not having that... so i left for lunch on my own..... he called me 3 min after I left my job and was like "Babyyyy,..... Something just came up and I can't make lunch today...." My blood was boiling and I flipped the hell out! I told him he was selfish and just doesn't care about how I feel...... I was crying and then he was like.... "wait....no no no!!!! Baby, don't cry!!!! I was playing- I'm at ur job now! I'm sitting out here for real!" He came to meet up with me and I was not able to get myself together in time.... so he saw the tears..... We went to eat and talk.... My hunger was GONE! and we had a long sit down..... I asked him how he would feel if I said i couldn't do this with him anymore.... if he would even care.... He got sad instantly and asked if that's what I'm saying.... I told him no but how would he feel.... he said he would be hurt and that he just can't let me go.... that I'm so important to him and he doesn't mean to do the things he does... that sometimes I just have to stop him and make him realize what he's doing..... He said not to worry or cry cuz everything with us is good and we are fine and that I don't need to stress..... after talking about "us" for what seemed like an hour.... we got in the car and talked about politics and random news and updates in the world.... he stopped and said... "this is why I have always liked you- because we can always talk about every and anything....." and I agree.... not many guys can make me laugh when I'm crying..... But he said through all his stress he hasn't lost his sense of humor and he's glad cuz that's what's getting him through..... He's a really good guy..... He said he only wants to be with me and he knows this and that he knows he's the only person I'm with..... He still doesn't wanna do the title thing.... and I'm trying to relax on it for a lil while..... We both played hookie for a few hours and stole some precious moments for "US"..... it was good and I was happy

Sat Whoa was supposed to come see me and bring me the gift he got me.... He called and woke me up at 10 in the morning and said he was trying to get things together and figure out what time he was coming..... I was so excited that I didn't have to remind him.... he said Friday that he is not gonna just SAY he's gonna change... he's gonna do it- so this was good..... he never came tho and it was a rough evening.... it was the 20th b-day of my home girl who passed away 2 years ago..... so the whole crew got together and chilled and drank and --- oh! CRAZZZZY girl on girl action= AKA wound up makin out with Brother Bears GF ( MA) not sure if he saw but if he did.... I guess he liked it cuz he sure didn't stop it..... Mr Mayo also started to get emotional cuz he drank wayyyy too much (as always) and J-mo was pissed so he told him the truth about me not ending up with Mr Mayo and that he should start to move on.... harsh perhaps but true nonethleless AND not news cuz I have told him so many times....

Yesterday (Sunday) he text to tell me that he had spent the night in the hospital because his best friend was there... he said he didn't get any sleep and he was stressed cuz everything was crazy and he would call..... I felt so bad cuz I know it sucks to have a friend in the hospital.... so I'm waiting patiently....

Last night J-mo Said he didn't think me and Whoa would last.... I was so upset I almost cried but I got a grip and he never saw me get emotional.... I just had to be quiet for a while so I could keep composure.... Mz Brown jumped to my defense just for the WAY he says things and I think she was watching my face drop when he was talking... He didn't mean to hurt my feelings.... And I'm not sure why I need to keep listening to people anyway... I guess I just want to know I'm doing the right thing.....

Thoughtful Me

So,.... Whoa finally got a hold of me when I was on my way home from work last night... he said he was recording and didn't see my calls but that he didn't mean to make me nervous. I opened the conversation with... "I guess this was a bad idea huh? asking what I asked".... he said "NO NO NO!!!" and went on with the "baby, don't you understand how much I want you? There is NO OTHER female in my world" and how in his eyes I am possibly "THE ONE" for him because I get HIM and what he does.... I'm there for him... Took care of him....how much he loves spending time with me and he even said he loves making love to me! lol... I never hear a guy describe it the way he does.... And it's only happened twice so I don't feel like this is sexually based AT ALL! lol

He said he wants to be a great boyfriend to me.... I told him that all I did was ask HIM to ask ME to be his girlfriend..... So I told him I am going to give him until May 1st to do it.... He asked what if he wants to ask me in 2 days and I told him that's fine by me:) I just can't wait forever so I feel a month is a good time frame.... He asked what if anything has to change between now and then.... and that he will understand if I wanna ease off until then.... Although he said that would literally KILL HIM to not be able to spend time with me.... So I told him nothing will change... I really don't want it to... I love what we have and I love having him as the MAN in my life.... He is there when I need him and I know he feels something for me cuz he sure did chase me while I was busy pushing him back.... He put up with a lot and I just don't know what I'll do if I can't be with him...... we are good.... good for each other in all the right ways....

****Hammer was talking to me on the IM last night... wished me a happy April fool's day and told me about him being in Bmore now.... said he's trying to get used to it.... I was shocked when I didn't FEEL anything.... I was happy we spoke and I left the conversation short..... ****

I got Whoa a gift.... Its a wooden Journal with gold framed pages and a prayer engraved on the cover... It's so beautiful.... I wanted him to be able to write his thoughts and lyrics down somewhere safe.... he has hundreds of random sheets of paper thrown around so I think this will help... PLUS he has said he is trying to get more into his faith so I love the passage..... I hope he likes it.... Last night he asked me to go to the movies with him today after work so I'll be giving him his gift then.....

J-Mo made me agree not to buy Whoa any more gifts till his birthday because I have a serious problem with spoiling the guys I am with..... They never do for me so he said he is gonna help me break the cycle..... I'm so happy about that. And I hope it works.... He said start hinting that I really like or want something.... not too expensive and just see if he gets it for me..... hmmm,... I hate to do that.... accepting things is so hard for me.... but I will try

House Party!!

I didn't want to write for a little while... But so much has been happening.... It's all so messy now.... I went to Mr. Mayo's party where ALL my friends were drinking, dancing, playing games and just talking..... I brought Whoa with me.... It took a lot because I have NEVER introduced them to anyone I was seeing... They heard about those few guys of my past and a few have seen them but never in a group setting with conversation.... just a passing by type thing.... I took him around and introduced him to everyone..... People were every where!!! The house, the back yard, the rooms..... but it was nice because we all knew each other and we all had dates and with people we really wanted to be with- this was a ground breaking night!!! I used his "real name" so no one would ask questions,.... that's who he is to me.... REAL.... not some act.... Well Mr. Mayo decided to get totally trashed and have emotional outbursts.... Whoa sat with me all night and we talked and laughed and played spades with some other friends it was a really good experience for me because I have never had that before... no guy have dated outside of C-Pooh was willing to be around people they didn't know and he was clearly affectionate with his hand on my leg and sitting close to me...

Well Mr Mayo is clearly still holding on to his feelings for me and was outraged that I brought Whoa with me..... let's think- Mr Mayo and I have been friends for almost 6 years..... I have always told him that we would never be more than friends but he has always told me about his undying devotion to me (despite the fact that he was ENGAGED and I was in love with his BEST FRIEND)... Anyway.... he wound up being locked in his room and held down by J-Mo and Brother Bear.... He punch a hole in his wall and was screaming about him not being able to see me with ANOTHER guy- as if the man really thinks we were together or something.... Brother bear came out and asked me to take Whoa and leave- which I did- Though I was VERY embarrassed... Whoa said he wasn't mad but that it's not a healthy situation for me to be in with someone who is deemed CLEARLY obsessed by all my other friends....

I took him to my house where he spent the night and we talked and he held me..... he knew I was really upset so he made it his point to let me know he wasn't going anywhere.... he rubbed my back till I fell asleep and the first thing he said when he opened his eyes the next morning were.... "Are you OK?"... Gosh, I'm so happy when I'm with him.... even in times that are stressful.... he makes me feel like it'll be OK.

I asked him what he thought I should do about Mr. Mayo.... He feels like the only thing I CAN do is to put space between us... not to talk to him or hang out much.... I found out after we left that Mr. Mayo was rude to Whoa that night at his house.... and that came from him AND Mz Fabulous so I'm not really feeling our friendship right now.... Whoa and Mr. Mayo have been around each other before... Mr Mayo even came to the studio with me once to see Whoa when we were just friends.... I thought about it and Whoa is too important to me to let some idiot's DREAM get in my way.... So, I have to put him first and that means respecting his opinions... I'm cutting Mr. Mayo off at the knees.