Bad feelings.....

Ok-so here I am again- sitting in the studio and loving every min of it! I guess I can start this off with Mz Brown b-cuz that is the one thing I am the happiest about.... So she came to the house last nmight and we all talked... Things went really well because I found out that she didn't just stop coming around because she had picked sides... turns out she was never really mad at me or Mz Kay in the first place. She said it is just hard for her to spend so much time with J-Mo and then to come hang with us... she was torn and felt that he needed her attention more than us because we are fine and he is really unstable right now.....

C-Pooh'z X before me wanted a baby more than anything... apparently she slept with anything she could find to get one... now she has one and she also now has full blown AIDS and was supposed to pass away on thanksgiving but she is still here.... I can't decide if I should go visit or not- I know I didn't really know her but I just feel like it must be really lonely and hard to know any day now you will die... she has been in there for the last year so I hope the pain ends sooner for her than later.. I know thats not the best thught ever but I mean it only so she won't be in pain. Mz Brown wants me to go with her to see her.... She said she has patches of hair, she's too weak to lift her hand, her lungs are so far gone she can barely speak and she has to pump morphine constantly....

Mama Dukes also JUST called me and told me that she had a dream about her mom.... My grandmother was my favorite person in the world... especially when my dad and I got on a rocky path... but she did some things and it was hard to forgive her- i was the ONLY one in my family who couldn't hold on to the anger.... The last time I saw her she didn't know who I was and at my age it was hard to deal with that.... They want me to go see her this weekend because my mom thinks she might pass soon- she had a dream about her.... and she IS 84 now so I guess she has a point... Why is it so damn hard for me to deal with death and the possibility of?? My other grandmother seems so sad now too and I get the worst feeling in the world about her.... I love her to pieces and if anything ever happened.... I don't think the guilt would be something easy to deal with.... Shr and my great aunt lay the guilt trips on pretty thick everytime we talk so... IDK....