Bad feelings.....

Ok-so here I am again- sitting in the studio and loving every min of it! I guess I can start this off with Mz Brown b-cuz that is the one thing I am the happiest about.... So she came to the house last nmight and we all talked... Things went really well because I found out that she didn't just stop coming around because she had picked sides... turns out she was never really mad at me or Mz Kay in the first place. She said it is just hard for her to spend so much time with J-Mo and then to come hang with us... she was torn and felt that he needed her attention more than us because we are fine and he is really unstable right now.....

C-Pooh'z X before me wanted a baby more than anything... apparently she slept with anything she could find to get one... now she has one and she also now has full blown AIDS and was supposed to pass away on thanksgiving but she is still here.... I can't decide if I should go visit or not- I know I didn't really know her but I just feel like it must be really lonely and hard to know any day now you will die... she has been in there for the last year so I hope the pain ends sooner for her than later.. I know thats not the best thught ever but I mean it only so she won't be in pain. Mz Brown wants me to go with her to see her.... She said she has patches of hair, she's too weak to lift her hand, her lungs are so far gone she can barely speak and she has to pump morphine constantly....

Mama Dukes also JUST called me and told me that she had a dream about her mom.... My grandmother was my favorite person in the world... especially when my dad and I got on a rocky path... but she did some things and it was hard to forgive her- i was the ONLY one in my family who couldn't hold on to the anger.... The last time I saw her she didn't know who I was and at my age it was hard to deal with that.... They want me to go see her this weekend because my mom thinks she might pass soon- she had a dream about her.... and she IS 84 now so I guess she has a point... Why is it so damn hard for me to deal with death and the possibility of?? My other grandmother seems so sad now too and I get the worst feeling in the world about her.... I love her to pieces and if anything ever happened.... I don't think the guilt would be something easy to deal with.... Shr and my great aunt lay the guilt trips on pretty thick everytime we talk so... IDK....

36 Hours Together!

So yesterday around 2 Whoa came and picked me up from work- He took me home to change my clothes and then to pickadilly's where we laughed for EVER! He wanted me to eat but I couldn't so he got me green jello, pudding, and red velvet cake to share with him..... After that we went home and he pushed back his studio time so he could relax a bit since he had a head ache and was so tired.... I wound up tucking him in and reading for a while...... he gave me a back massage when he woke up and I gave him a manicure.... all the while our convo was great.... even the times we weren't really talking were nice- He would hold me or we would whisper to eachother how nice the time was.... MaMa Dukes freaked out because she couldn't reach me and she sent my brother over to find me.... that was irritating but I resumed my time with Whoa and life was well again......

He showed me all the clips of his shows and I must say- I have never seen him perform live before.... not in concert- but when I saw all the videos..... I was very impressed! He looks like he is loving every min of it.... we went through all his fan comments and ratings and such.... he made sure to mention how important it is to him that I'm his girl.....

He also got to take a closer look at my facebook and myspace acct where he saw an older pic of HAmmer and I- *sigh* I sooo didn't mean for that to happen... he asked about him but dropped it after a while...... He had a meeting via phone call with his manager so he took that while I cleared up my room- When I went to look for him he had finished his call and was seemingly down.... we talked for a while and when he felt better we went to get some food- by this time it was 11 and he decided to spend another night... :) When we got home he wanted me to eat something so while we watched "dead presidents" he tore tiny bite sized pieces of his spicy chicken sandwhich and fed me.... It was so cute!

String Bean called again- for the second night in a row after 12.... his call was ignored again but he was heard by Whoa,... I tried to just leave it be- String bean has one more time to call me dumb late...... I am so not OK with him TRYING to be an ass hole and call to get me "in trouble" with Whoa- HE KNOWS I have a relationship! WTF!

Been Sick

So this past week I have been deathly sick with a virus causing fevers of 102.4..... I couldn't even get out of my bed until yesterday and even now walking too much makes me dizzy... hopefully in the next day or so I'll be back to my old self......

I was really sad that I didn't see Whoa at first (last Sat and Sun) and we didn't even talk- I literally could not get a hold of him...I had a few panic attacks because I started to think maybe he was pulling a Hammer episode on me..... Turns out he just needed time to get some work done.... they have really been putting pressure on him. But I can't forget to put myself first so when he did finally call on Sunday I was very blunt- "Do you want me in your life or not? Because I want to be here but it feels like your avoiding me...." and he said "No No, Baby, I DO want you in my life! I've just been blah blah blah" and then I told him he needs to consider me too.... Don't put me through that- If I needed time away to think or work I would tell him I won't be reachable for X amount of time and I expect the same in return. I think we have an understanding- although I understand this is something he has always done so I don't expect the next time to be different..... not right away that is....

Since Whoa knows I am sick he has made a point to constantly call and text to check up on me.... He said he wishes he could be here to take care of me but they sent him the ATL to promote for a week : ( but the good news is that he will be back in about 5 days!!!! And I can't wait! I'll be healthy and able to enjoy the time....

MaMa Dukes had surgery today! BroHam just called and told me she was out so I'm relaxed. she has wanted to have her boobs done for as long as I can remember and she finally got her wish so I'm happy for her!!

Mr Mayo came to have lunch with me today... We finally got a chance to talk about the house party and everything that went down... I think we have a better understanding so hopefully it won't have to happen again. But in our big ass clique.... once is never enough!