Back!

Ok- so I know it has been a while since I wrote- Been so backed up in my own thoughts I needed time to gather myself before I would be able to write.... but I guess I'm back now.... To sum things up... Whoa and I are stronger now than EVER! We spend sooo much time together and I love it! He loves the way I take care of him and I love that he gives a damn how I feel. He does for me and I do for him... To be very honest I was starting to fall into a pool of doubt because I was so scared we were drifting... my mind was just some place else... but the he went to Texas and I went on vacation and that trip gave me a chance to think about what it is I want and what I am and am NOT willing to do or give up to get it. Well,. nothing is perfect but I want this time together to last.... As it is I have been in the studio ALL day and I'm still here.. we work out together, play games together, run errands, cook, go to movies, all together... and he even met my mom... They like each other and they even talk sometimes! He's letting me into his world more and that's all I really wanted.

On another note... Delanie and Dread are doing well... looking for me to give them a therapy session. Apparently ALL my friends feel like I should be a therapist because while I SUCK with my own choices... I am awesome at advising other ppl and opening their eyes to what else they may not see... or want to.

Meanwhile, Brother bear and his lady are no more.... They ended and All I know is that she needed to be in rehab and what was meant to be a short amount of time turned into a long, drawn out, unfortunate string of events.... I'm so sad for them... just because they are both good ppl. But no matter how much we may want it to work out.... some things just are not meant to be. This is a lesson J-Mo and Mz Kay learned too. she decided it and he was VERY upset. J-Mo keeps showing up to the house... finding every reason he can and then crossed the line when he publicly dragged Mz Kay arund a parking lot trying to profess his undying love for her. I think that really scared her more than anything and after that I am not too sure she would EVER even consider going back. I can't tell J-mo this in so many words... right now the possibility is all he really has,... I am very honest about the truth though. I wouldn't set him up for failure- although- When it was me loving C-pooh (his brother) he kept me around as a personal play toy for him. But I'm not that kind of person.

Mr Mayo doesn't talk to me AT ALL these days... can't say I'm too sad about that. Part of me wants the friendship... But the other part of me knows now that he was never my FRIEND... he just manipulates things and waits until you are weak enough for him to pounce on you like a wild lion.... I'm just tired of the disrespect and lack of concern for my well-being. I love Mr Mayo for who I thought he was... and should he ever become that person- I am here with open arms.... But I doubt it- so I won't hold my breath!

The whole group has dispersed itself and even Mz Brown and AKA won't come around anymore. I know AKA only came around for all the WRONG reasons but Mz Brown was one I thought would never pick sides... I guess I was wrong... or maybe she just chose not to be in it at all... o well.... I miss her but what can I do? Nothing.

Memorial Day Weekend!

OK- so here's he story- Friday night we went to Barchetta's and totally brought the house down! My girls and I were the HOTTEST thing in the place and EVERYone (including my fav DJ and News Anchor's) made sure we had the ROYAL treatment! Mz Fabulous totally got passes for the pretty rick event and the damn thing was JOKE! So- Mz Lee's man is part of the group and dropped his phone! Mz Kay innocently stumbled on to it and couldn't wait to show me! I was so torn.... but we decided that despite how we feel about her,.... we should do the right thing and return it because that's what we would want..... So Mz Kay went up to him and said she wanted to return it, he asked where she found it... she told him and then he asked for her number..... she told him she was off the market and he said he was too but that he STILL wanted the number.... she was disgusted and quickly left but after we thought about how she should have told him that because she knows his girl,... that wouldn't be right.... LMAO! Turns out she is getting treated the way she treats others.... it's not funny... actually its sad.... but somehow- it's feeling like justice.

Saturday night we celebrated MA's birthday which later turned into a disaster.... lets just say.... J-Mo came out in full effect!

Sunday we went to a beach spa with Activator (our new friend from Friday night) and it was soooo much fun.... at the end of the day everyone was mad at Mz Kay and I for not going to the beach cook out but hey- I'm too pissed with the whole crew to even care right now... I spoke to Brother bear and he's OK with me so that's all I care about....

Mr Mayo is totally up my butt and I'm almost ready to bust out and kick some reality into him..... I told him flat out that we couldn't be together and he didn't get it.... had the NERVE (knowing I'm with Whoa) to ask me to go away with him for a weekend for my birthday... I told him that we are JUST friends and nothing more and that if I could create a visual I can see myself going down a path and I just don't see him and I together on it- EVER..... yet still he thinks I'm playing.... God didn't give me THAT much patients..... I have a HUGE heart- but damn! I can't take much more of this crap.....

Last night Whoa came to visit me (SURPRISE!!!!!) everyone was there and Mr. Mayo was clearly MAD but knew he couldn't say SHIT to me.... But Whoa jumped out his car- threw on his shoes.... ran up to me while i was jumping up and down cus I was happy to see him , picked me up and ran around the parking lot screaming "my baby misssssees meeee!" lol.... it was a great moment! we listened to his next single and I fell in love with it already! This one is a hit! and the CD is on point... I'm sooo proud of him! he spent the night and we both went to work late... lol... just really loved talking and spending time.... we are supposed to go to the movies this week and have lunch on a diff day this week too.... I hope that happens! AND..... last night I told him that I love him..... but he was sleeping.... so I don't know if he heard me... lol... this morning he said it when he was leaving and kissing me goodbye..... ;)

The run down....

So,... this past week has been a roller coaster for me and seemed to only be spiralling DOWN...... Wed and Thurs Whoa made plans with me..... BOTH days he had to cancel.... Then Friday he asked me to go to an early breakfast to make up for it all..... Well loooong story short- he wound up not coming until 12 and then decided to go to the DMV first..... which had me BLOWN! I was soooo upset cuz I felt like "DAMN! do u even care?".... I called and was stressed and tired of waiting to go to lunch with him because he might cancel again and I was just not having that... so i left for lunch on my own..... he called me 3 min after I left my job and was like "Babyyyy,..... Something just came up and I can't make lunch today...." My blood was boiling and I flipped the hell out! I told him he was selfish and just doesn't care about how I feel...... I was crying and then he was like.... "wait....no no no!!!! Baby, don't cry!!!! I was playing- I'm at ur job now! I'm sitting out here for real!" He came to meet up with me and I was not able to get myself together in time.... so he saw the tears..... We went to eat and talk.... My hunger was GONE! and we had a long sit down..... I asked him how he would feel if I said i couldn't do this with him anymore.... if he would even care.... He got sad instantly and asked if that's what I'm saying.... I told him no but how would he feel.... he said he would be hurt and that he just can't let me go.... that I'm so important to him and he doesn't mean to do the things he does... that sometimes I just have to stop him and make him realize what he's doing..... He said not to worry or cry cuz everything with us is good and we are fine and that I don't need to stress..... after talking about "us" for what seemed like an hour.... we got in the car and talked about politics and random news and updates in the world.... he stopped and said... "this is why I have always liked you- because we can always talk about every and anything....." and I agree.... not many guys can make me laugh when I'm crying..... But he said through all his stress he hasn't lost his sense of humor and he's glad cuz that's what's getting him through..... He's a really good guy..... He said he only wants to be with me and he knows this and that he knows he's the only person I'm with..... He still doesn't wanna do the title thing.... and I'm trying to relax on it for a lil while..... We both played hookie for a few hours and stole some precious moments for "US"..... it was good and I was happy

Sat Whoa was supposed to come see me and bring me the gift he got me.... He called and woke me up at 10 in the morning and said he was trying to get things together and figure out what time he was coming..... I was so excited that I didn't have to remind him.... he said Friday that he is not gonna just SAY he's gonna change... he's gonna do it- so this was good..... he never came tho and it was a rough evening.... it was the 20th b-day of my home girl who passed away 2 years ago..... so the whole crew got together and chilled and drank and --- oh! CRAZZZZY girl on girl action= AKA wound up makin out with Brother Bears GF ( MA) not sure if he saw but if he did.... I guess he liked it cuz he sure didn't stop it..... Mr Mayo also started to get emotional cuz he drank wayyyy too much (as always) and J-mo was pissed so he told him the truth about me not ending up with Mr Mayo and that he should start to move on.... harsh perhaps but true nonethleless AND not news cuz I have told him so many times....

Yesterday (Sunday) he text to tell me that he had spent the night in the hospital because his best friend was there... he said he didn't get any sleep and he was stressed cuz everything was crazy and he would call..... I felt so bad cuz I know it sucks to have a friend in the hospital.... so I'm waiting patiently....

Last night J-mo Said he didn't think me and Whoa would last.... I was so upset I almost cried but I got a grip and he never saw me get emotional.... I just had to be quiet for a while so I could keep composure.... Mz Brown jumped to my defense just for the WAY he says things and I think she was watching my face drop when he was talking... He didn't mean to hurt my feelings.... And I'm not sure why I need to keep listening to people anyway... I guess I just want to know I'm doing the right thing.....

House Party!!

I didn't want to write for a little while... But so much has been happening.... It's all so messy now.... I went to Mr. Mayo's party where ALL my friends were drinking, dancing, playing games and just talking..... I brought Whoa with me.... It took a lot because I have NEVER introduced them to anyone I was seeing... They heard about those few guys of my past and a few have seen them but never in a group setting with conversation.... just a passing by type thing.... I took him around and introduced him to everyone..... People were every where!!! The house, the back yard, the rooms..... but it was nice because we all knew each other and we all had dates and with people we really wanted to be with- this was a ground breaking night!!! I used his "real name" so no one would ask questions,.... that's who he is to me.... REAL.... not some act.... Well Mr. Mayo decided to get totally trashed and have emotional outbursts.... Whoa sat with me all night and we talked and laughed and played spades with some other friends it was a really good experience for me because I have never had that before... no guy have dated outside of C-Pooh was willing to be around people they didn't know and he was clearly affectionate with his hand on my leg and sitting close to me...

Well Mr Mayo is clearly still holding on to his feelings for me and was outraged that I brought Whoa with me..... let's think- Mr Mayo and I have been friends for almost 6 years..... I have always told him that we would never be more than friends but he has always told me about his undying devotion to me (despite the fact that he was ENGAGED and I was in love with his BEST FRIEND)... Anyway.... he wound up being locked in his room and held down by J-Mo and Brother Bear.... He punch a hole in his wall and was screaming about him not being able to see me with ANOTHER guy- as if the man really thinks we were together or something.... Brother bear came out and asked me to take Whoa and leave- which I did- Though I was VERY embarrassed... Whoa said he wasn't mad but that it's not a healthy situation for me to be in with someone who is deemed CLEARLY obsessed by all my other friends....

I took him to my house where he spent the night and we talked and he held me..... he knew I was really upset so he made it his point to let me know he wasn't going anywhere.... he rubbed my back till I fell asleep and the first thing he said when he opened his eyes the next morning were.... "Are you OK?"... Gosh, I'm so happy when I'm with him.... even in times that are stressful.... he makes me feel like it'll be OK.

I asked him what he thought I should do about Mr. Mayo.... He feels like the only thing I CAN do is to put space between us... not to talk to him or hang out much.... I found out after we left that Mr. Mayo was rude to Whoa that night at his house.... and that came from him AND Mz Fabulous so I'm not really feeling our friendship right now.... Whoa and Mr. Mayo have been around each other before... Mr Mayo even came to the studio with me once to see Whoa when we were just friends.... I thought about it and Whoa is too important to me to let some idiot's DREAM get in my way.... So, I have to put him first and that means respecting his opinions... I'm cutting Mr. Mayo off at the knees.