Back!

Ok- so I know it has been a while since I wrote- Been so backed up in my own thoughts I needed time to gather myself before I would be able to write.... but I guess I'm back now.... To sum things up... Whoa and I are stronger now than EVER! We spend sooo much time together and I love it! He loves the way I take care of him and I love that he gives a damn how I feel. He does for me and I do for him... To be very honest I was starting to fall into a pool of doubt because I was so scared we were drifting... my mind was just some place else... but the he went to Texas and I went on vacation and that trip gave me a chance to think about what it is I want and what I am and am NOT willing to do or give up to get it. Well,. nothing is perfect but I want this time together to last.... As it is I have been in the studio ALL day and I'm still here.. we work out together, play games together, run errands, cook, go to movies, all together... and he even met my mom... They like each other and they even talk sometimes! He's letting me into his world more and that's all I really wanted.

On another note... Delanie and Dread are doing well... looking for me to give them a therapy session. Apparently ALL my friends feel like I should be a therapist because while I SUCK with my own choices... I am awesome at advising other ppl and opening their eyes to what else they may not see... or want to.

Meanwhile, Brother bear and his lady are no more.... They ended and All I know is that she needed to be in rehab and what was meant to be a short amount of time turned into a long, drawn out, unfortunate string of events.... I'm so sad for them... just because they are both good ppl. But no matter how much we may want it to work out.... some things just are not meant to be. This is a lesson J-Mo and Mz Kay learned too. she decided it and he was VERY upset. J-Mo keeps showing up to the house... finding every reason he can and then crossed the line when he publicly dragged Mz Kay arund a parking lot trying to profess his undying love for her. I think that really scared her more than anything and after that I am not too sure she would EVER even consider going back. I can't tell J-mo this in so many words... right now the possibility is all he really has,... I am very honest about the truth though. I wouldn't set him up for failure- although- When it was me loving C-pooh (his brother) he kept me around as a personal play toy for him. But I'm not that kind of person.

Mr Mayo doesn't talk to me AT ALL these days... can't say I'm too sad about that. Part of me wants the friendship... But the other part of me knows now that he was never my FRIEND... he just manipulates things and waits until you are weak enough for him to pounce on you like a wild lion.... I'm just tired of the disrespect and lack of concern for my well-being. I love Mr Mayo for who I thought he was... and should he ever become that person- I am here with open arms.... But I doubt it- so I won't hold my breath!

The whole group has dispersed itself and even Mz Brown and AKA won't come around anymore. I know AKA only came around for all the WRONG reasons but Mz Brown was one I thought would never pick sides... I guess I was wrong... or maybe she just chose not to be in it at all... o well.... I miss her but what can I do? Nothing.

The run down....

So,... this past week has been a roller coaster for me and seemed to only be spiralling DOWN...... Wed and Thurs Whoa made plans with me..... BOTH days he had to cancel.... Then Friday he asked me to go to an early breakfast to make up for it all..... Well loooong story short- he wound up not coming until 12 and then decided to go to the DMV first..... which had me BLOWN! I was soooo upset cuz I felt like "DAMN! do u even care?".... I called and was stressed and tired of waiting to go to lunch with him because he might cancel again and I was just not having that... so i left for lunch on my own..... he called me 3 min after I left my job and was like "Babyyyy,..... Something just came up and I can't make lunch today...." My blood was boiling and I flipped the hell out! I told him he was selfish and just doesn't care about how I feel...... I was crying and then he was like.... "wait....no no no!!!! Baby, don't cry!!!! I was playing- I'm at ur job now! I'm sitting out here for real!" He came to meet up with me and I was not able to get myself together in time.... so he saw the tears..... We went to eat and talk.... My hunger was GONE! and we had a long sit down..... I asked him how he would feel if I said i couldn't do this with him anymore.... if he would even care.... He got sad instantly and asked if that's what I'm saying.... I told him no but how would he feel.... he said he would be hurt and that he just can't let me go.... that I'm so important to him and he doesn't mean to do the things he does... that sometimes I just have to stop him and make him realize what he's doing..... He said not to worry or cry cuz everything with us is good and we are fine and that I don't need to stress..... after talking about "us" for what seemed like an hour.... we got in the car and talked about politics and random news and updates in the world.... he stopped and said... "this is why I have always liked you- because we can always talk about every and anything....." and I agree.... not many guys can make me laugh when I'm crying..... But he said through all his stress he hasn't lost his sense of humor and he's glad cuz that's what's getting him through..... He's a really good guy..... He said he only wants to be with me and he knows this and that he knows he's the only person I'm with..... He still doesn't wanna do the title thing.... and I'm trying to relax on it for a lil while..... We both played hookie for a few hours and stole some precious moments for "US"..... it was good and I was happy

Sat Whoa was supposed to come see me and bring me the gift he got me.... He called and woke me up at 10 in the morning and said he was trying to get things together and figure out what time he was coming..... I was so excited that I didn't have to remind him.... he said Friday that he is not gonna just SAY he's gonna change... he's gonna do it- so this was good..... he never came tho and it was a rough evening.... it was the 20th b-day of my home girl who passed away 2 years ago..... so the whole crew got together and chilled and drank and --- oh! CRAZZZZY girl on girl action= AKA wound up makin out with Brother Bears GF ( MA) not sure if he saw but if he did.... I guess he liked it cuz he sure didn't stop it..... Mr Mayo also started to get emotional cuz he drank wayyyy too much (as always) and J-mo was pissed so he told him the truth about me not ending up with Mr Mayo and that he should start to move on.... harsh perhaps but true nonethleless AND not news cuz I have told him so many times....

Yesterday (Sunday) he text to tell me that he had spent the night in the hospital because his best friend was there... he said he didn't get any sleep and he was stressed cuz everything was crazy and he would call..... I felt so bad cuz I know it sucks to have a friend in the hospital.... so I'm waiting patiently....

Last night J-mo Said he didn't think me and Whoa would last.... I was so upset I almost cried but I got a grip and he never saw me get emotional.... I just had to be quiet for a while so I could keep composure.... Mz Brown jumped to my defense just for the WAY he says things and I think she was watching my face drop when he was talking... He didn't mean to hurt my feelings.... And I'm not sure why I need to keep listening to people anyway... I guess I just want to know I'm doing the right thing.....

Drama!

So,.... this past week I have not been myself,... Or maybe I was a lil too much myself and not enough of who I have been trying to be (A better more mature me) Whoa has been caught in the studio and he's almost done with his album,..... But I was so lonely it's not even funny.... I got stuck chillen with my X-BFF and dealing with more drama then I bargained for this week...

Slim busted Delanie in her lip "by accident" TWICE! I wanted to go over there and pop him real good just for that! She was drunk Sat night when he did it and couldn't remember much so he said he was pointing at her when he was mad and "accidentally" hit her.... but her whole head was throbbing on top of the fact that her mouth was bleeding (both top and bottom lip split) so she started putting it all together and realized he hit her more than once..... so clearly- the only accident was in him getting caught! She has to go to court with him in a few weeks cuz his CRAZY X keyed their cars... so she doesn't wanna leave him "yet".... Of course she couldn't tell her mom that on mother's day so she told ppl I was swinging a chain and she walked into it.... WTF?!?! I helped her make up a lie so she could avoid the drama but it def had nothing to do with ME being the one to bust her face! I dunno- I have to let her see him for what he is on her own... But his baggage and insecurities are a BIG HUGE GIANT PROBLEM! She said "he feels really bad about it and was crying and said he would never do it again and that he couldn't believe he did it at all" I say that sounds like CLASSIC BULL*ish to me! Having been hit before by a guy who thought doing it in public was "kool"- And then watching it happen to my friends and cousins.... I have no sympathy for these guys... Frankly, I wish someone would bust their lips and throw them around and knock the wind out of them so they can understand what it feels like!

I met this guy- "Doc" on Friday when I went to the club...... I know- so against my policy but what the hell.... I was tired of being alone and he wanted to talk..... Any way, he's 6'3", 23 years old, works at the hospital, in school to be in the medical field.... lives with his fam, great smile, good conversationalist, has an 8 PACK!!! lol.... and he is going to be in his first fashion show this month so I'm excited for him..... he's totally into me right now but I'm feeling it out as who he is as a person.....

I found out that I have fallen for Whoa when I THOUGHT I had lost him- I mean totally..... And it's scaring me a lil.... I'm not ready to get hurt again..... and when I didn't hear from him for a couple days this week I thought he had moved on from me.... I felt hurt and betrayed and alone.... I felt like he just up and left me.... there was this HUGE hole in my heart and I couldn't really deal.... Loving him is making me incapable of living my life.... So in order to take my mind off it I conversed with Doc.... I know I know.... digging my hole right? Well,.... My heart hurts and there are no pills that make it stop.... The best I can do is to occupy my time..... Yesterday Whoa said he loves me (again) and that he misses me and yada yada.... I believe him.... Its just- I have been down a similar path before and I'm terrified to do it to myself again.... I don't plan on anything popping off with Doc because of my feelings for Whoa and Whoa is STILL the man I WANT in my life.... but it's nice to have a friend I can hang with.... That's all I want right now... and while it's shallow and selfish... I guess it helps that he likes me....

Saturday night AKA got to play "Drunk" after just one cup and blamed it on not eating...... she had a sandwhich that day and nothing else.... Well, personally, sometimes I eat that much for the day too and Liq would affect you more drastically but..... then she ate 2 pancakes and got WORSE..... it was not making sense at all... I think she just wanted to get some attention- mission accomplished! She threw herself around and I mean all on the floor and the pretended to pass out like 15 times..... Really bad acting though cuz I didn't buy it and neither did Mr Mayo...

Mz Fabulous FINALLY brought her boy toy around and they are too cute! I totally LOVE IT! Sad that Mr Mayo acted a bit of an ass and she clearly was uncomfortable but I told her not to worry and not to let anyone F up her Mo-Jo cuz they were cute and he is really nice!

C-Pooh got engaged...... Friday he officially popped the question... I'm not sad because I want him.... because I really don't... But I'm sad that I don't have a ring on my finger... I'm sad that even HE (king of the whores, Mr. never gonna get married) is getting closer to what I want... Having a life time commitment. And part of me can't help but wonder if my time will EVER come.... I mean she is controlling, bipolar, evil and vindictive cheater..... and he asked HER?? what about the ones like me? The faithful ones who actually care more about other ppl than themselves..... the good girls! I guess we finish last too huh?

I just want to get myself together right now.... and say to hell with all this extra randomness! things really sucked this past week and they say when it gets so bad u think it can't get any worse.... the only way things can get is BETTER! So I'm looking forward to my "better" moment and hopefully God will be opening that window soon.... the one he always opens when all the doors get closed in your face.... I'm waiting....