Bitter Sweet Smile of Sorrow

So, let's just be honest- Hammer and I are....."taking some time to think about what we really want" FUCK that! HE is thinking about what HE wants..... and I'm wondering if at this point I really care.... Once again..... this is just another example of how little I mean to him..... I decided not to sit at home and cry over this n e more tho.... I mean seriously.... what am I losing? Drama? Cause for Tears? Stress? Having this thing going on I have already had to go through the breakdown... I broke down for the last 2 months.... So I'm kinda over that part... I felt the anger and hurt already..... I had to go through it alone and alone is exactly what I was.... I don't want someone who has to THINK about if I'm the person he wants to be with... I want a guy who wonders how he ever did it without me.... I told him to let me know when he decideds what he wants.... Im giving him time.... and when he tells me... IF he tells me.... Maybe it will matter and maybe it won't... Mybe I'll need time to determin how much I care... So now.... I'm kinda relieved.... I busted out on Friday with "I'm single again, back on the prowl-cuz I thought he was perfect and now I don't know how..... Cuz I'm single again!" I sent that to WHOA! lol

So Whoa stayed with me on Friday night- I know what you're thinking and YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!! hahahaha... ok I'm kidding.... however he DID kiss me.... and I felt so wanted and needed and it felt good again.... I couldn't go beyond that for a lot of reasons and he didn't want to because he said "he likes me too much to do that" I told him "fast start fast finish" and I don't want to do that..... but just being in his arms was great!

I went out with Mz Celebrity and Mz Jamaica too! here for the weekend from ATL!!! we partied like rock stars! Tore up VIP every night and so many exclusive pool parties I can't even tell you!! Whoa kept in touch the whole time.... concerned.... yesterday was the highlight though- we went to drink and I had 2 double shots of liquid cocaine which made me have random uncontrollable outbursts of emotion..... I was crying and then laughing..... Ppl sure didn't help.... I got to catch up with all my football buddies which made my weekend cuz they really are some great guys (despite what you'll hear) and we always have fun! I was passed out on the hotel floor and then throwing up.... within 45 min i had gotten my act together and was able to shower so we could go out.... lol... ya I'm a soldier!

Whoa called in the midst of my throwing up binge and purge session and got all worried... so we met up and he wanted to know why I was drinking so much..... after cutting me off from drinks for the rest of the night he said "go out and party and flirt but don't drink anymore and let what happens on the dance floor stay there.... no numbers!" lol.... he's so cute when he puts his foot down.

I don't want to like him so much cuz I don't want to get hurt but he has just been there for me so much I don't know what I would have done without him.... and he didn't force anything..... It's so hard for me not to touch him.... is that weird? I just want him around and I like it when he is..... I hope I can trust him the way he says I can.... last night he said he was gonna be a good boy and go to sleep if he wasn't gonna see me.... I asked if thats a hard choice to make.... he said "not at all" because its worth it when you have someone who REALLY cares about you.... I like that- Clubs are not my thing any more... Unless I can be there with the person who matters to me most..... or my girls.... I just don't feel the need.... and that's a sign of growing up so I like it!