In The Studio...

Last night after work I went to the studio.... Whoa was busy trying to write his next song.... and also recording for FloRida... While he was busy doing that.... he let me listen to a track.... I was suddenly inspired by everything going on and wrote a verse and a hook!!! lol..... We had fun chillin and goofing off.... He actually told his MANAGER that I was his NEW g/f... lol.... I asked "as opposed to ur OLD one?" lol.... his manager said "ur the only one- there was no old one" lol

I'm so confused right now... I AM Hammer's.... I am with him, right? I mean... I think- I don't even know what I think.... All I do know for sure is that I enjoy haveing Whoa in my life and I love Hammer... I can't turn that off... either one. It's like- Hammer is hurting me but I don't know why.... And Whoa is all too eager to offer refuge from the pain.... he wants to "save" me from this.... But how do I know he won't do the same?? Every guy who has ever "saved" me, has in turn done the exact same thing to me....

And then there's the little matter of Pimp'n- If I did end up with Whoa I would have to give up the friendship...That's just the rule... BUT- Pimp'n has BEEN there for me- as a friend, ALWAYS! and when I needed a place to crash I slept in his bed, when he was hungry I cooked.... Shit! He has never tried me! never tried to make a move on me or anything.... He just kept it real and I was "FAM" - I AM his fam! he treats me like a lil sister... And I'm not ready to give that up- not for a "shot at love"... Love has not proved to be there for me.. so why should I risk it ALL again?

I don't know,.... I don't want to believe in love anymore- It just hurts too much- Finding the right person is like winning LOTTO! Do u know the slim to none chances of that??? That means I have to keeping trying knowing that I'm probably STILL wrong.... To inflict pain on urself like that... I mean serious pain like that.... That's crazy right? Who wants to go through that? I have been cursed with this desire to find my "perfection" so even though it hurts like hell I can't stop myself from jumping back out there.... no matter how much I really do fight it- AND I FIGHT IT ALL THE TIME!

Why is it so hard for me to find a guy who just wants me? A guy with goals, ambition, morals, and a HOT ASS! lol... j/k about that last part- but seriously tho.... When will it be MY turn?