confused in questions?

So... I am sitting here in the studio with just myself and my thoughts. And to be very honest that is just the way I like to be.... I work best that way... I think best that way.... and Lord knows I have had a lot on my mind for the last few weeks.... much less the last year. It seems as though I am always doing first and then evaluating things later... I feel like I might miss out if I do as others do and spend my whole life pondering the possibilities as they pass me by... But the flip side of that might not be much better for me... I seem to find myself with a lot of regrets this way. Always wishing I had acted differently to a situation and perhaps I could have gotten a better reaction from someone... I do this thing... I ask questions. BOLD questions. And I never was this way. I used to think a lot and wonder a lot but I never asked for fear of what the reply might be. Living like that did not prevent me from having to deal with it anyway... It merely delayed to time.... which draws out the healing time. I ask Whoa what comes to mind because he gets so defensive... and part of me hopes that "next time" he will fall apart and confess what it is that he is so bothered by but that does not seem to work. At times I must say that I can no longer tell if it is in fact him that is not being honest or if I just don't trust anyone anymore... But then... I can't stop the questions from coming and so I must continue to ask... no matter how bothered... it is not like I nag.... I simply ask like a regular conversation.... what's the big frickin deal???? can someone please tell me WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL ABOUT A DAMN QUESTION?????

Tat Tat Tat it up! "Love"

So,.... Today I got a new Tat! It is the word "Love" on the side of my left hand ring finger....

It is very simple and in script.... I am a hopeless romantic as we all know and I am in Love with Love.... so what better way to say that? I love my new tat and I am so proud of me! I waited till I knew and I never questioned if this was what I wanted...... my brother and Whoa are the only ones who know right now... I did go with BnA.... so I wasn't alone....

vday dis- ASS-ter

Sorry, it has been a min but so much has happened... V-day didn't go well for me AT ALL! Whoa actually stood me up.... and although his excuse was there... it was just an excuse to me... He actually woke me up on Vday to tell me he planned the whole evening for me.. he did have a show but he was gonna bring me and then we would spend the night together.... His plan was to sing for me... Since we has been on rocks for some time I was looking forward to it and I was very impressed by his efforts... He wound up having me wait around to not do anything... instead of sitting at home sad I decided to hit the club with some friends... I had a few too many drinks and danced like a damn fool... mostly because I was hurt... but whatever... a friend of mine asked me to sleep in MIA at their place but I know how much he likes me and that he would take advantage of me for sure so I left... I was definitely HURT by Whoa but not so much that I was willing to go against my morals and CHEAT.....

The next morning I was glad I had gone home because whoa sure did show up at my house to wake me up... he wanted to talk and apologize.... I honestly had no words... I doubted everything he had to say and I really had no words.... So I just listened.... i think he saw how i felt... for the first time i think that morning he might have had a glimpse of how i felt and he poured out his heart... how i was the one and how he doesn't want to keep hurting me... how he is gonna do better and this was not just words... to please let him show me he is serious... and after all that... all i could do was sigh....

The next weekend he recreated vday or me and surprised me like no other... i got a gift bag and card with my favorite candies and a teddy bear. And I was happy... he took me out and spent time with me... The fact is... that's all I really wanted... sad that it took so much for him to see.. but since then he has done well,... He taes me out and pays for everything... We spend quality time just talking and reconnecting.

We are getting to the one and a half year point soon enough.... and i am excited to make it that far... we have come a very long way.... i know relationships are not always cake and ice cream... and i also understand they shouldn't be all work and no play... i just want balance.... more than that... I want the good to outweight the bad... always!

Break up to make up..... psh!

So.... Whoa and I are still together! And to be very honest I feel like we are making a lot of progress... but in some ways I am a tad bit sad with how he deals with things....

I love holidays!!!! They are so important to me because I have not been able to have a good one EVER.... I usually do have a bf but they always find reasons not to be the "good" bf and act right and I spend it sad or alone.... or BOTH! I was just so sick of being understanding about everything... we got into it this week because of him going out of town on vday- to be very honest it wasn't even just that... it was about me wanting him to do something sweet for me just because.... I run him both bubble baths and give him back rubs, I cook for him and buy him cute lil things when I'm out just because... I do so many thoughtful things for him but he doesn't seem to do the same for me. I don't need to date a guy who acts all emotional like a chick but I do want a guy who puts me first at least some of the time. And he is spending A LOT of time with me but shit- pick a damn flower or make me a card... I'm not expensive but I do require some thought!

So I spent all day crying... I had a break down and we went for a walk.... sat by the lake and talked... more or less he was listening to me vent about all the things on my mind.... and when I was still crying 7 hours later I felt it was time to make a choice... When I brought it up all he said was "I do love you, I do want to be with you, But i just need time to think...." I thought we were gonna break up and the tears wouldn't stop- now, I wasn't boohooing all day but I couldn't get the tears to stop running down my face... I was a little disappointed that he could watch me cry and not do anything and when I wanted to bust he finally couldn't take it anymore... he grabbed me and started hugging me and I just broke down....... the sobbing began.. I was just so tired and frustrated... Just when I thought he didn't get it.... he whispered in my ear "baby, why are you crying, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere!"

I have put so much into these relationships... and I realize every relationship will have it's issues.... But I view relationships like marriage... U can't just walk when things get hard! I need someone who will compromise and work things out! He spent the night.... After we showered he just stared at me while we listened to slow jams.... Then he held me till we fell asleep... The next morning I was so out of it.... My face looked like I got beaten up cuz my eyes were so swollen..... he had me at the studio with him all day (I wore glasses) and he's been making sure to come see me as much as possible.

I appreciate that he is giving me more time.... He had a photoshoot for the front page of the news paper (yay for my baby!) and asked me to come along.... I got to play "stylist" that day and it's those little moments I care about.... I'm just waiting to see what he does for me for v-day.... I keep trying to say... I'd appreciate doing something fun or getting something he MAKES me over a purchased gift..... anyone can buy me something.... put a lil thought in my gifts.... do something sweet......

He has a lot of shows and stuff at clubs... I make it my mission to stay away from those places so that I don't have to deal with his groupies.... Plus when I go to these places with him or if he sees me, he spends his whole time checking on me or wanting to be by me... I always try to do my own thing but he ALWAYS leaves his table to be with me or he calls me over to stay with him... I love that! but I know it's important for him to keep his focus..... So I'm out and he's out and most night's he comes to my place after.... I like that..... I know what it's like to work in those environments.... modeling means I have to network and socialize too.... but I still go home to my boo.... and I don't give these lames a CHANCE to come between us... I just hope he is doing the same...

Work out and My lil Secret...

Ok so.... I have always wanted a 6 pack.... these days I have strayed from what I want physically because I have been so busy... so to get a lil boost I have decided to take a pill..... I will keep this journal-ized so that I can have my own testimonial.... So.... I have had the pill twice today... two doses with water (2 pills at a time) and I ATE!!!! so no worries! I actually did some cardio today as well,.... I feel good about it but more than anything I can't wait until tomorrow to see how I feel....

I did all my research on this one and it seems fine as long as you take the amount you are told and follow the rest of the directions.... My goal is to look SUPER hot for V-day but more than that.... I want to wear a thong bikini this summer and that's not gonna go down unless I feel really good about EVERYTHING!!!

Ok- this is private and I am only sharing this info here..... so.... only 3 ppl will know about it.... I just don't want ppl to judge me on this.... I work really hard and I don't need that.... I know what's good for me and I don't need a million ppl making this into some huge insecurity issue... I don't see anything wrong with wanting to lose a couple pounds and tighten a few areas... And if this "secret" will help me do it.... then all the better!

New Year= New Me

Loving myself has never been so easy for me. Believing in my dreams has not come easy either. Every year I make resolutions to do things differently but I never do.... Those dreams only last for a couple months and then I go back to the same old me.... But I think that's because I don't have anyone to be accountable to. I put myself last too many times...

I have sacrificed my modeling time and appointments to help others with theirs- I refuse to do that this time around! Whoa has his dreams and he is perusing them- with or without me... and I just have to understand that. So as much as I want to be there for him- I am putting myself first. So far I have done that once this year. I was supposed to help him with something and I got a call asking me to work a news broadcast for the same time frame.... Needless to say- I took it! And not only do I get PAID... but I got great exposure and I got booked for a big show this weekend! I think that is sign enough that I am doing right by myself. And Whoa got helped anyway,.... but AFTER my time.... Not before! and that's how it should be!

My book idea has been floating around in the air for EVER and I never had the guts to move forward with it.... Well this year I am working on it... I am working HARD and if it doesn't take off...... at least I will have tried! but if it does... I won't have to go back to the 9-5 world I despise so much!

I have decided not to put my relationship as TOP PRIORITY... Do I love my boyfriend? YES.. Do I have faith that we can make this work? YES... Do I want to be with Whoa for time and time to come? YES... But I know now that I can't change anything and history will be what it is meant to be.... So I can stop stressing it and work on me...

The changes started with my hair... I colored it and then I cut bangs... this new me is not just on the outside.... It's a total change and a much needed one at that! I am going to do what I need to do to be proud of who I am! I cut my friends down and I am entering this year with great people!

I must admit that every once in a while I find things out that bother me about WHOA... things like condoms he told me he didn't have, I find pictures of females and small behaviors that don't seem to add up... But I also know that there are some things about me that wouldn't make sense unless someone came to me and asked... well since that's not gonna happen,.. I am just observing.... and if he chooses to screw around on me and I find out.... that will tell me he doesn't mind losing the best thing he ever had (ME).... an X and now GREAT friend of mine (Ju) had this to say when I told him what I had found....

"Baby, if you go looking for dirt, yo ass is gonna get filthy! You need to look in the mirror and see what I see... You are too beautiful of a person both inside and out to sell yourself so short.... if that nigga is dumb enough to let you go... (like he was) then that's his bad and you will be just fine! Too many niggas out here would LOVE to come home to you!" I felt better after that... and funny enough... guys KEEP trying to date me... But I respect my relationship too much for that... It's just nice to know I won't be lonely for very long is he gets dumb one day! lol...

We made it a YEAR!! and I am so happy about that!!

>>>side bar<<<

How about Hammer is coming down to visit! He and I keep in contact and I am really glad about that! If nothing else, he is a good friend! and I plan on keeping us how we are! Funny how you can be head over heels for someone and once they hurt you enough,... the love you feel for them changes into something else... for me the hurt turns to anger then pity and eventually a general concern for your well being... but the love is forever gone... hmmmm...

Bad feelings.....

Ok-so here I am again- sitting in the studio and loving every min of it! I guess I can start this off with Mz Brown b-cuz that is the one thing I am the happiest about.... So she came to the house last nmight and we all talked... Things went really well because I found out that she didn't just stop coming around because she had picked sides... turns out she was never really mad at me or Mz Kay in the first place. She said it is just hard for her to spend so much time with J-Mo and then to come hang with us... she was torn and felt that he needed her attention more than us because we are fine and he is really unstable right now.....

C-Pooh'z X before me wanted a baby more than anything... apparently she slept with anything she could find to get one... now she has one and she also now has full blown AIDS and was supposed to pass away on thanksgiving but she is still here.... I can't decide if I should go visit or not- I know I didn't really know her but I just feel like it must be really lonely and hard to know any day now you will die... she has been in there for the last year so I hope the pain ends sooner for her than later.. I know thats not the best thught ever but I mean it only so she won't be in pain. Mz Brown wants me to go with her to see her.... She said she has patches of hair, she's too weak to lift her hand, her lungs are so far gone she can barely speak and she has to pump morphine constantly....

Mama Dukes also JUST called me and told me that she had a dream about her mom.... My grandmother was my favorite person in the world... especially when my dad and I got on a rocky path... but she did some things and it was hard to forgive her- i was the ONLY one in my family who couldn't hold on to the anger.... The last time I saw her she didn't know who I was and at my age it was hard to deal with that.... They want me to go see her this weekend because my mom thinks she might pass soon- she had a dream about her.... and she IS 84 now so I guess she has a point... Why is it so damn hard for me to deal with death and the possibility of?? My other grandmother seems so sad now too and I get the worst feeling in the world about her.... I love her to pieces and if anything ever happened.... I don't think the guilt would be something easy to deal with.... Shr and my great aunt lay the guilt trips on pretty thick everytime we talk so... IDK....

Back!

Ok- so I know it has been a while since I wrote- Been so backed up in my own thoughts I needed time to gather myself before I would be able to write.... but I guess I'm back now.... To sum things up... Whoa and I are stronger now than EVER! We spend sooo much time together and I love it! He loves the way I take care of him and I love that he gives a damn how I feel. He does for me and I do for him... To be very honest I was starting to fall into a pool of doubt because I was so scared we were drifting... my mind was just some place else... but the he went to Texas and I went on vacation and that trip gave me a chance to think about what it is I want and what I am and am NOT willing to do or give up to get it. Well,. nothing is perfect but I want this time together to last.... As it is I have been in the studio ALL day and I'm still here.. we work out together, play games together, run errands, cook, go to movies, all together... and he even met my mom... They like each other and they even talk sometimes! He's letting me into his world more and that's all I really wanted.

On another note... Delanie and Dread are doing well... looking for me to give them a therapy session. Apparently ALL my friends feel like I should be a therapist because while I SUCK with my own choices... I am awesome at advising other ppl and opening their eyes to what else they may not see... or want to.

Meanwhile, Brother bear and his lady are no more.... They ended and All I know is that she needed to be in rehab and what was meant to be a short amount of time turned into a long, drawn out, unfortunate string of events.... I'm so sad for them... just because they are both good ppl. But no matter how much we may want it to work out.... some things just are not meant to be. This is a lesson J-Mo and Mz Kay learned too. she decided it and he was VERY upset. J-Mo keeps showing up to the house... finding every reason he can and then crossed the line when he publicly dragged Mz Kay arund a parking lot trying to profess his undying love for her. I think that really scared her more than anything and after that I am not too sure she would EVER even consider going back. I can't tell J-mo this in so many words... right now the possibility is all he really has,... I am very honest about the truth though. I wouldn't set him up for failure- although- When it was me loving C-pooh (his brother) he kept me around as a personal play toy for him. But I'm not that kind of person.

Mr Mayo doesn't talk to me AT ALL these days... can't say I'm too sad about that. Part of me wants the friendship... But the other part of me knows now that he was never my FRIEND... he just manipulates things and waits until you are weak enough for him to pounce on you like a wild lion.... I'm just tired of the disrespect and lack of concern for my well-being. I love Mr Mayo for who I thought he was... and should he ever become that person- I am here with open arms.... But I doubt it- so I won't hold my breath!

The whole group has dispersed itself and even Mz Brown and AKA won't come around anymore. I know AKA only came around for all the WRONG reasons but Mz Brown was one I thought would never pick sides... I guess I was wrong... or maybe she just chose not to be in it at all... o well.... I miss her but what can I do? Nothing.

I just can't give up now...

Things have been tight.... This much is true... But I am seeing the light now.... I have been offered to walk in MIA fashion week which is one goal I can check off in just a few weeks! I walked in Rohan Marley's show and they just called to offer me a 2,000.00 job in the Islands! one weekend! I still have to run this past my agent but all in all.... I am just glad to be considered for these things.... That's a step in the RIGHT direction!!! Jerry from the Production crew I work with FINALLY called me last night to offer me a job on the set of Weezy F. Baby's video and I am overly excited just to be back in the groove with him! I did win runner-up in the MIA fashion show and with that comes prizes and fashion spreads PLUS an ad so even though I was disappointed not to be #1, #2 still has it's benefits and I plan to make the MOST of all of them!

I saw my old boss the other day.... Boss lady has always been kool but I guess I always felt like she gets surprised by hearing I am doing or living my dream..... I guess she is one of the people who would like to believe in me but her understanding of the "real world" won't really let her.... I feel the doubt she has in me every time we talk.... but I still love her.... She just gives me one more thing to work for....

I have an agent now! Just got signed last week so it's BRAND new but his name is Beno Dovratzi and he is AMAZING! so I'm excited that HE sees potential in me! He saw my walk, took my measurements, was baffled that I was not already signed and on the spot signed a contract with me. I hope that was the right move... I'm having faith that God is lining things up for me and my time is coming....

After all is said and done.... I don't know what the future holds... that is for SURE, but I just came too far to give it all up now.... the bumps in the road are making me stronger and the tests along the way are each preparing me for the NEXT.... all I need to do is book a NATIONAL campaign

Whoa and I are both making our way but he is genuinely happy for me.... As I fully support him.... I have to admit that over this past month I have been on a constant roller coaster with him.... but I'm STILL HERE WITH HIM.... and at the end of the day being with him makes me feel like I can do anything.... I know I can live and follow my dreams and be successful even if he were to walk away tomorrow but when I have doubted myself he still believes in me and I love that... I just can't wait for us to be more stable again so we can relax and have time for eachother like we used to.... but we are both on our grind right now and I respect that. Better we BOTH grind then just ME.... it's always been one sided for me in the past and right now I'm just not going through this all alone....

I got my Mo-Jo back!

So I needed some time away to adjust to everything.... sadly my great plan for unemployment took a nasty turn for the worst! The company decided to hold my severance pay and I STILL have not collected that! Because they held everything.. They held my Financial aid AND prevented me from getting unemployment! I am going on 3 weeks with NO pay and I am feeling the squeeze! I asked Hammer for the money I loaned him in December... only 260.00 but that is still needed! And trust me... asking him for that was no easy task! I damn near was in tears doing it! But hopefully he was not lying when he said he would have it for me this week.... How will I ask for it again???

Then Whoa has been out of town for a week and a half! I am so lonely! But he sends me messages EVERY DAY about how much he misses me... On top of THAT, he has called me at least 4 nights early in the morning (3-4 a.m.) Just to talk and fall asleep with me:) ya, I feel so Blessed to be with him right now! He gets back in about a week so I'm happy about that n I really can't wait!!!

I had to get my mo-jo back! I have been down and out and caught up feeling bad for myself AND confused AND a bit scared since I am not in a comfortable situation... but I got up and went on a casting call the other day... I made some crazy connects and turns out I am supposed to do an Ed Hardy show as well as one for Marley and that's this month! Doors are opening and I am going to run in! I felt good with all the great feedback I have been getting and I have got to make something happen- soon!

Church has been more than awesome for me.. I go and I feel happy and like someone DOES understand me and what I'm going thru...i suppose that's the whole point right lol... well it feels good!

Dress-Up

I have been up and down with Whoa lately but not in a super sad way- He has just been going through a lot and so have I... So I was ever so happy to go down to MIA to chill with him at the studio yesterday before be had to go out of town again- I brought lunch and we ate together and talked about a lot of things.... He was sorry for leaving me out of some things.... I told him that I'm supposed to be his best friend and I just don't want to be left out- I don't want to be the LAST person he feels the need to tell about something... He understood and said he didn't mean to make me feel any type of way- I saw his point of view and now he was seeing mine... My car died right before I left so after a great conversation my baby came to the rescue and fixed my car.... He is calling me a lot more frequently and I respect that...

He wound up not leaving when he thought so he called me last night and wanted to come by... He asked me to "dress up" really sexy for him... I actually had an outfit from hustler and some stripper heels... I also had the patron he keeps at my place and an "adult card game" for us to play- he totally got hypnotized by my whole EVERYTHING and I ROCKED his world!!! he won the first game and I won the second... either way- let's just say we both got everything we wanted! We gave each other massages and experimented with massage oils! lol he had a great time ripping everything off of me... We decided that we now LOVE this kind of thing so I KNOW I will be giving him a lil show every once in a while... he held on to me like he was scared I would leave ALL night!

Then this morning when we got up we took our first shower together... It was lovely! It's not like we are all about sex or anything... we just talked and I rubbed his back and we laughed and had great conversation in the Steamy shower! I have never felt like this with anyone EVER before! I just feel like everything FITS! and I don't even have to try! After that we got dressed together and played around until it was time for him to leave and me to get my car checked... He doesn't want me to leave him... He LOVES what we have and says that of everything going on he doesn't want to lose ME! He's working really hard and I love him for that! I am just glad that we have each other! this is now 5 months of "US" - him being the man in my life and almost a year of him being my Best friend!

Haters can't touch what we have- although this past weekend they tried... that's a WHOLE LOOONNNGGG story but at the end of the day he knows everything they did and said and is totally backing ME! He said "Fuck those lame ass fake ppl who pretend to be my friend" more specifically he said that towards Mr Mayo!

So Sick...

So Thursday I was leaving Whoa's house after my first night EVER sleeping at HIS place.... we always stay at my place because we happen to be up in that area and he's rarely ever home..... But this night he was too tired to drive but we wanted to see each other so I went down there.... Aside from hydroplaning and having issues with his gate keeper (that skank bitch almost got stole dead in the face I was so pissed) But once I was in his arms.... I was ok again..... We had a wonderful night- jokes and talking about everything even though we were both sooo tired- but not too tired to make love..... lol- so we did and then cuddled till we fell asleep.... He left the window open though so when I got up the next morning my throat was burning..... I was losing my voice and it hurt to talk...... He sent me off to work and he did the same.....

Turns out he felt as bad as I did by Friday night and had a terrible fever.... Both he and I lost our voices completely and he wound up in the hospital.... He's got tonsillitis and I had out-patient surgery followed by a coloscopy so we oddly enough both ended up on some of the same medications. he's been sleeping a lot so we haven't talked much but he says he misses me and Lord knows I miss him too!

He can't talk and up until this morning I couldn't either.... but hopefully he will be better soon and so will I....When I told him about me he said "DAMN!!! We're F'ed Up!" lol- That's us..... we seem to be in sync these days.... even when one is sick- so is the other! lmao! I must admit- I still have my doubts... I can't help that- I wonder about things and choices..... I wonder about the future and if James and I will have one together.... But I just don't see the end for us.....

He remembers NOW wat he had

So I'm just ending the conversation between Hammer and I- He wrote me.... asking about me and my family... Telling me about his and things going on... He was interested in everything I had to say... This was over the instant messenger so..... I told him about me getting layed off.... he said he was sorry and that he was here to help me if I ever need anything...I thought that was oddly NICE! and didn't think too much of it- then he said that he has the place in ATL and that if I need it anytime I can stay there... He said that he won't be back there until Dec. I was throwed! I couldn't believe this conversation... He sent me a bunch of pictures of him and his friends and asked for some of me... I sent him a few from my birthday weekend and he said that I am still as beautiful as ever.... He said that he planned to come check me this month but had family issues... but that he has a feeling he will be chilling with me some time soon... OK- That rocked my world a bit- I mean.... he didn't stop talking even once... said that I was always an awesome person and shouldn't ever let any one change that. He doesn't know about WHOA... He says that he doesn't want me to ever think he forgot about me cuz he hasn't- not once... and that he reads all my away messages just to make sure I'm ok and see how I'm doing.. I was shocked! but I had a feeling he might still do that because a few times he has asked me who I'm talking to in them. lol... I have to admit- this was very unexpected... I feel like he misses me... But then- why shouldn't he? I was a great girlfriend to him... and that's not being cocky- I really was... I was understanding- not a nag, I cooked and cleaned.. I dealt with HIS schd and put mine on the back burner... I closed his house for goodness sake! loaned his homeboy 260.00 to drive from here to ATL... I mean damn! I gave him back rubs in the middle of the night... I catered to his every need- I bought HIM gifts for every occasion even though he never got me one.. I was thoughtful and did everything short of stepping out of character for him..... I loved to take care of him... But... I didn't feel like he was even half as concerned for me... Funny how he remembers what he had... how he thinks back on who was there for him... I cleaned his house just because I knew he would be too tired to do it... and when he was injured- I took care of him... but when I had the flu- he was too "busy" to come look after me... I had to beg.... So i duno- I feel good knowing that NOW he finally appreciates me as a person... But Whoa- He's really looked out for me and while he isn't perfect.... I don't need perfection... I just need effort.

Ask, and yee shall receive...

As we know- I have been trying to figure out my next move... Isn't it funny that when you are going through something everything seems to touch on that subject a little? Well, Church has been focused partially on "daring to Pray BIG" my pastor made a great point that we tend to be "safe" and pray these wimpy little prayers... Prayers that are not heart felt, not truly what we need.... we ask things in general and not case specific... But God is GREAT and can do ANYTHING... therefore, we should dare to Pray BIG... not safe! I asked for help and I have been asking..... I asked to be pointed in the "right" direction.... So I wrote Boss Man from the Art dept I work with- It's slow season so I wasn't sure how well the news would be received... I told him that I will be a full time student and that I hope this allows me a chance to work more with his team.... HE WROTE BACK! He told me to write him again next week!!! that he has a possible job for me coming up the first week of August! I am so happy! Even though this is not set in stone... It has only been 4 days since the news and the door is opening!!! I don't want to get too excited yet but I can't help but be thankful for this bit of help God is sending my way.... Tomorrow I will be reaching out to other resources and seeing if I can get any feedback from them....

Today's service was GREAT! I got my cousin to come with me and she instantly fell in love with it as I did.... It feels so good to be around family and today I spent the WHOLE day with her and my Brother.... I feel like I'm growing.... and hopefully I'm able to touch those around me.....

Position Terminated

So I have been up and down on what seems to be a downward spiral..... Let's just talk facts... After two years, my company is letting me go... They called me into a meeting and sprung it on me- I was hurt... they started by saying- please know this has nothing to do with your performance, we love having you with us BUT we are down sizing and have decided to terminate your position... This leaves you with two options-

1) We will give you a severance package if you choose to leave which includes 18 months of schooling on us

2) You can apply for one of two positions available, IF you interview and we select you, you will change locations but still be within the company

My heart fell through the chair... I couldn't speak- my mind froze and her words seemed to physically HURT- it took all of 3 min to say that to me- to devastate my world and after all that I realized that their day would go back to normal and mine would forever change... But she did utter that I have 2 weeks notice and my last day would be the 31st if I left the company...

The only thing I could think to do was nothing- I didn't fight back because there was nothing I could do- Then my boss called me in for my 2 year review which I thought was not appropriate timing but I did want to know what she thought of my service with the company- All I cared about was how she felt I had done since I know I busted my ASS for the past year with countless efforts and covering for people, going above and beyond what I should do.... She gave me the song and dance and gave me 3-5% when the max is 10% and last year I got 7%... My feelings were gone... I didn't want to hear anything or anyone... I was a mess and I resented her for kicking me while I was down with such a bogus claim of "you MEET but don't EXCEED expectations"

I picked up what was left of me and went home... I called Whoa to tell him as I tried to walk out with some pride and he helped me see the BIGGER picture... he was 100% supportive and I don't think I would see things this way if not for him.... He helped me look at my options and later came over just to make sure I was ok... I called my parents after and the funny thing is- they ALL said the same thing... Having the support of my fam AND boyfriend really got me going and thinking- I have to make this work! I have been going to church lately and I feel like I really need to have some FAITH- I went in to work the next day- Yesterday- with a plan. First was to take care of my co-workers... the ones I would leave behind... They were upset to hear but I didn't cry at all- I told them all that they would be FINE... that God doesn't close a door without opening one and now was MY TIME to find that new door- I told them they could come to me for help and support on anything until the day I leave and that I was more than willing to train them... Then I sent out emails to my team... telling them my decision... I told them all how wonderful they are and how blessed I feel to have had the chance to work with them... That i know we are all up in arms about this but we will all manage something.... I also wrote the director to thank her for her time and the opportunity but that I would have to decline the interview.... She thanked me.... (although she was cold and rude when she was telling me I was DONE- I want to go out with CLASS and that's something that THEY can't take from me).

My next order of business was to call HR, IRS, take care of school docs and file everything needed... I think I have set myself up to be ok- I hope so... and I want to use this time to follow my heart... I want to throw myself into the production and modeling I love so much- This may be the push I need... and if not- I will find something else. I'm a fighter... I still have a week and a half to finalize things at work and beyond that- God won't leave me out in the cold..... We shall see... Faith is not about what you see... It's about trusting what you can't... Believeing in something greater, BIGGER.... And I am really starting to understand that- There is a reason I have been led back to church at this point in my life- My guess is that he knew I would need him desperately at a time like this... And so I will continue to believe and show faith and pray and see this as a test...

Good News/ Bad News

Today is Wednesday and my PLAN was to go to work, and leave early for my studio time with Whoa... But last night while doing my hair he called and said "Baby, I have good news and Bad news... which do you want first?" I always take bad first.... he said the bad news is I have a closed session with Mr Words and I will not be able to have you there.... I'm sorry...." I immediately got sad and said... "what's the good news?" he said "since I can't spend tomorrow evening with you I'm on my way to your house and I'm staying with you all night" I was THRILLED! I LOVE to see him not matter how often- it always seems special! He asked if I wanted to see a movie so we planned to go and by the time he got to my house it was 9:00 and he had already gotten us tickets! That was too cute! He was starving so we went to get some food first and when we walked in I was all over the screen! one of the music videos I had done with Akon was playing and he said it was CRAZZZZY! lol- I said "YA! we're BOTH on TV! high 5" lol he laughed! I insisted being that I'm "gangsta" I could sneak his plate in the movies.... this was a big ass box so he doubted my skills! lol- I proved him WRONG!

When we got in my prince charming insisted on getting my a drink so he got it and I chilled in our seats.... The movie was long as all hell! "IRON MAN!" but it was worth it... and at one point poor thing was so tired he fell asleep on my shoulder holding on to me like I was his favorite stuffed animal! lol.... I was rubbing his head and he woke up and half asleep said "baby, are you ok? I'm sorry I fell asleep but I'm happy just being here with you...." and he proceeded to hug me and kiss my forehead and nose..... lol CUTE!

Last night we laughed and talked about a lot... he asked me about Hammer and I,... explicit details.... he told me about the moment he felt we became connected.... the night at the park- we road around doing nothing and he made me turn off the road and we ended up at a park in the middle of the night.... we went on the swings and talked for what felt like hours till it started to rain- then we talked in the car till the rain let up- that was the night I cherish MOST.... we have so many long talks.....

After my Doc appt today I went home where he still was- waiting for me and we talked for a while then went and had lunch at Wendy's.... lol... I was craving the hamburger soooo bad! we ate and talked there for an hour before we parted ways for the day...... it's happening.... we're becoming best friends! I love it- I feel like we can talk about anything and no matter how stupid I feel.... he won't judge me... not the way other people do..... He just relates....and if he can't relate... he just listens... I LOVE THAT!

Wednesday QT

Last night I was out shopping with Delanie when my FAV ring tone rang..... Whoa was just checking in on me to see how I was doing and to let me know that he was gonna leave the studio and be at my house for the night by midnight.... I was happy as always- I went home and took a nice long bubble bath to relax and found myself dozing off once 12 hit.... I called and text Whoa but got no reply so I figured he got caught up and was still recording so I went to sleep knowing if he called his ring tone would wake me...... at 5:00 in the morning I got a text from him saying he was sorry and such a loser for falling asleep at the studio... I text him back that it was ok and we would do it some other time... He called me at 7:00 to talk for a while....

He decided that while he normally only has closed sessions he is going to make the exception for me and Wednesday will be our day together in the studio! I was excited to hear that- He said I am a distraction since he is always wanting to be with me and talk and check up on me.... so I will be knocking out my homework or writing while he is working but at least we will be together... he told me about 2 X's... one he invited to the studio and she didn't want to go... he said it just wasn't her thing.... and the other (the last X) who he was with for 2 years and she is much older.... he said it was just a bad idea to ever have her there.... He didn't elaborate but I have been there with him a few times and we work well together....

He said he'll be working out his schd to make sure we have even more time together! I'm so happy right now! I didn't have to ask or anything.... I didn't even have to suggest... lol- I love my Whoa.... He wanted me to come down to the beach and hang with him today but I have work and class so- Tomorrow is Wednesday and we'll see eachother then :)

I asked why he has to record so much and he totally broke everything down for me.... Once he explains why he does things to me, I get it and it makes sense.... I feel like it's important that we keep our communication like it is.... we are only getting better with time and hopefully things continue to go so well!

MEANWHILE- String Bean keeps calling dumb late so I have just ignored him.... for every night he calls me late I simply don't speak for 2 days... so he text me yesterday that I do him wrong..... PLEASE! I text him back that if he would call me some time when I'm awake we would chat but since he only likes to call at 3-4 in the morning.... it can't happen.... he didn't like that and called me to tell me so- lol- he had to go back to work though so we didn't get to finish the conversation... I'm sure we will!

Hidden Frustration

Ever feel like you have walked into quick sand? Like fighting it or struggling only makes you sink deeper.... and no matter how quickly you think of ways to escape- your thoughts can't come to you fast enough....? Have you ever closed your eyes thinking if you just squeeze hard enough and then open them again everything that scared you will be gone and everything that was wrong will suddenly be right? Well,... I have... and each time is unlike the last... but the pattern or "chain of events" seems almost identical... One would think I should know better by now right? But to act as if I "Know better" is to act out of my character... I believe in second chances- Always have and sadly, always will. I know, I know... it's not really smart to just write off the bad in people as if you didn't see it because even if you block it out of your mind- that still exists.... I'm so tired though... Too tired to deal....

For Delanie's B-day we went to dinner where I was surrounded.... half by people I call my family and half by people who would call me their enemy... But I just prefer not to call them anything- to try and sum them up would take far more effort than I am willing or able to give them... I actually sat exactly at the point where both side's met (the middle) and ate dinner listening to foolishness (gossip and unkind words meant only for entertainment while picking at people they didn't even know but sat next to) and laughs... I was less than thrilled to be there but Delanie is definitely my homie and I would never desert her on her day because of the company she chooses to keep. I road it out and made sure she had fun, meanwhile, I was drained from the whole event.

Last night I cleaned my room... I just took everything apart and cleaned it from the beginning.... I know me- and something in my mind is not at ease because that's what I do when I'm frustrated or confused- I work it out by cleaning.... I feel the urge to make sense or take control of the things around me because I feel like I have lost control over something else in my world.

Normally I know exactly what it is that is hindering my ability to simply BE.... But right now I feel as though my mind has thrown a cloak over the issue and pushed it off to the side... Perhaps because that part of me is aware of how much I can and can't handle right now but it doesn't make me any less confused... and it certainly doesn't make me any less frustrated with myself.

Whoa watched fireworks with me and came to visit twice on July 4th... I was pleased! We had a great talk about our faith and where we both stand which made me very comfortable.... He was the one who wanted to talk until 4:30 in the morning! lol.... we had movie plans for Sunday after I got home from church but he had to work so we will simply go another time.... Speaking of CHURCH- I am happy to say that I have found a nice one that I want to go to again..... I have been looking for one for some time and never really found one that fit.... I think it's very important that everyone goes in their own time and that they are HAPPY where they choose to worship.... This place is nice and welcoming and Mz Kay and J-Mo invited me to go so it was easier than going alone.

Part of me is hoping that by going to church more regularly I might be able to get a closer look at myself and perhaps I'll find where I'm supposed to be.... I don't think that's a bad reason..... People go to find themselves all the time and if your heart is in the right place, if you are genuine and if you are willing to ask for help and guidance.... I do think you will find what your looking for... At least I hope...

"Wanted" and a ticket?

Sunday I told Whoa about my mom saying how she liked "Wanted" and how she said I should go with him.... he said Tuesday it was a date! lol... So I was excited for what I had to look forward to... Mz Fabulous had asked that we all go to her condo in Aventura so we could film her commercial for her upcoming birthday extravaganza!! So I road with Mz Kay down there and we had a lot of fun with "the ladies" filming our scenes! I had to leave a bit early though because Whoa had asked that I get the latest movie showing time and he was determined to see SOMETHING! lol-

I had J-Mo drop me off there and the ticket girl told me that the movie was PACKED! even at 10:50 at night on a TUESDAY! I was BLOWN and slightly upset but happy I would at least see my boo any min....... He walked up and asked if I had the tickets so he could pay me back- I told him what the ticket lady said and he went, bought two tickets and proceeded to check for seats for us.... he called me while I had just finished getting my chili cheeses fries and walked me in to two FRONT ROW seats! LMAO.... then he left to get nachos and drinks for us both.... I shared my fries and boy was he starving... he was really glad I was finally able to eat some chili and cheese off the top....... lol- during the movie he dozed off a little (my poor baby was so sleepy from working so hard) and he actually pooted! lmao! It was so funny- he just looked at me and said "Now we're broken in" and smiled....

After the movie he took me home where he also spent the night and we stayed up talking and watching TV for a while.... we dozed off and I decided to sleep in a little since we were up so late and we had a great morning talk so I wasn't in a rush..... when we finally parted ways with my kiss I hit the road and got a ticket! stupid ass cop pissed me off! and on top of it I know I wasn't going as fast as he SAID he clocked me at.... but whatever- now I have a 200.00 ticket! I'm trying to be calm..... my birthday is coming up really soon and I planned on using my extra money for other things..... but I'm gonna just chill and not stress if possible and see how things work out....

"I just need to be alone..."

After spending such magical time with Whoa last week I was excited to think of the NEXT time we would share.... Thursday and Friday we had plans but those fell through and I have learned to go with it... It's crazy cuz I don't feel horrible anymore- I just know that when things don't work out he always seems to find a way to make it up to me.... We were talking Thursday after I got signed to that management team- He was really happy for me and I was please with my damn self! LOL but our "walk on the beach with ice cream" date was just not fitting in the schedule and it didn't look good for Friday either.... I was a lil sad cuz he was supposed to be going out of town to Ft Myers where M-Hoe lives and was supposed to have 2 shows there so needless to say I was a bit unhappy- come Friday night I had decided to have a lil faith and he called me.... He asked where I was and I told him home... He asked me (with disbelief in his voice) "Why are you home on a Friday night?" and I told him my jaw was finally not hurting and I wanted to get some sleep... He said he really wanted to talk to me about some stuff but that he had to call me right back..... When I woke up again it was 5:00 a.m. so I text him.... By sat morning he text me back:

"I'm feeling a bit depressed... I'm not totally sure... I just need some time alone for a little bit to figure this out...... give me a day or two..... u can believe it or not but that's how I'm feeling.... I don't know what I'm going through.... bare with me"

So I simply text back "I'm really sorry ur feeling bad baby... If you need anything I'm here.... Everything will be alright" I decided it was best to get out of the house and went shopping with Delanie....

I decided to give him the weekend with no communication from me.... no questions or anything on my part but Saturday night he sent me an email... "I miss you sweetheart.... just thinking bout you" I text back "I love you" and left it at that..... Sunday by 3 he asked "where r u?" and I figured we were alright again.... We spoke a few hours later and he seemed really happy to be talking to me... like he really missed hearing from me... Turns out he didn't go to Fort Myers at all.... he just did his show in MIA :) But I was proud of myself for listening to and respecting what he asked for (time alone) instead of checking in on him because that's what I wanted... I'm glad he's all good and he said he's gonna tell me all about what happened tomorrow when we go check out a movie "Wanted" we are both excited to see that one!

Well after my convo with Hammer the other day- where he said he misses me and that he's coming down in July AND that I KNOW he's gonna make time to see me.... I was kinda torn..... I really wanna see him! I mean he is a kool person and I do miss him.... but I don't wanna jump in bed with him.... I just want to see him out in public to see how he is.... to catch up... OK OK OK! MAYBE I want him to see me all done up and get jealous and be a little sad about what he lost..... MAYBE part of me wants him to wish he had done things differently.... MAYBE I just want a chance to see how seeing him again will be... BUT then there's WHOA! And he has my heart.... WHOA is the one who held me at night when Hammer crushed me... WHOA is the one who listens to me and asks how I am and checks up on me.... He's the one who sleeps on my floor to make sure I'm ok and breaks tiny baby sized pieces of his sandwhiches to make sure I eat.... He has been a friend AND lover.... and I owe him respect..... I just don't know what to do.... I'm not gonna mention anything until or unless I actually see Hammer... Knowing how unreliable he is- it makes no sense to bring it up if he might not even show..... I duno what to do.....

This boyfriend girlfriend thing is a bit tricky.... but believe it or not- this is the first time I feel like we are on the same page.... I feel like he really genuinely cares about me.... and we are learning how to not only DEAL with each other but we are understanding each others needs more.... We both have our needy "pay attention to MEEEE!" moments, our "leave me alone but don't go too far" moments, and our "GRRRRR" moments.... we get it ;) And I wouldn't trade my baby for the world!