I'm at work, it's 8:49 and I barely slept..... I can't believe I'm actually crying right now.... I'm hurting myself because my past won't let me go.... When I was at school I had to see a therapist because of my fear of public speaking.... YES! it was THAT serious! I had a panic attack and broke down in front of 2 classrooms.... I almost passed out from the tears and shook so bad they ran up to me with chairs.... I couldn't even move enough to sit..... I was frozen like a deer in head lights. Anyway, Since they MADE me go I figured I would at least be honest. My therapist thought it came from something traumatic in my childhood so that's what we talked about.... Anyway... that experience showed me that my relationships are what they are because I'm always seeking approval; a male to love me unconditionally- As the old story goes.... I was the ultimate daddy's girl and my whole life my dad made a second career of LEAVING me.... always sure to SAY he would be right back but never actually doing it... I went almost my entire high school career without seeing him except for one random day and my graduation day.... same for college and I think I saw him for ALMOST 1/2 of my middle school days.... I felt deserted so I needed something to replace him....
Almost every guy I have dated has cheated on me and I almost always stayed because by my fathers example- I thought ALL men lie and cheat... One guy hit me... a couple used me and spit me out..... I painted a guys house BY MY SELF once! WTF was I thinking?! I was so desperate to PLEASE and KEEP a guy that I lost myself..... I couldn't count the money I have wasted on guys but thousands on one over 5 years and 600 on the last 9 month one is clearly TOO much!
Whoa and I are so right- and that's without me having to MAKE it that way... I don't have to do anything and he doesn't WANT anything from me other than my advise and attention and support.... But I'm so insecure with the fact that the past has always hurt so much- I can't even trust myself.... I am on edge of thinking he is ready to walk away anytime I get upset..... I don't know what to do because I don't think I could take another heart break....
I don't want anyone from my past BACK.... I have let it all go and I feel free without them... They held me back and I need to grow so the limited amount of time I allow them to occupy as FRIENDS is as good as it will ever get. If I ever cared about someone enough to give them a little piece of me I will always care on some level.... I'm just that kind of person... But I wish Whoa would just grab me, shake me and say "ELYSE! I'm not going anywhere! I'm right here and I'm not leaving you!" *sigh* I love my father despite who he is.... but I resent him for crippling me the way he has.... If he was just a different person... I wouldn't be this way....
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Suspended in FEAR
Posted by DeepThawt on Tuesday, April 08, 2008
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2 comments:
We all have parents who had problems. It's the way you choose to deal with their problems. I personally don't. I don't speak to my father and my mother I carefully watch what I say and do as to not push any buttons. I say that all to say it doesn't really effect me living every day because I know that I am not them. I just came from them. Keep it together girl. When you are successful at life and love you will look back on this and laugh.
Elyse! You are about to make me cry Gosh......I dont even know where to start to shake ya out this thought process! Ummmm I really understand where ya coming from about the panic attack, cause I have them alllllll the time...With the Dad thing, My dad was always there, living in the house, but I never had a father either......But I simply dont think about it, I dont wonder how I would be if my dad was a True Father....Not many men know how to be Fathers which sucks.....Its a skill a parent has to possess n we are just products of Dad's. So Stop reflecting on the past n believing ya are a women with mind problems or something.....Because your are A Perfect Definition of a Level Minded Woman!....We both are, and we will find our match, who should treat us like the queens We Are...Because we are Smart enough to distinguish Fakes From Truth....Now I dont wanna write a essay so will shall talk about this Lata!....
Love ya Dear....And I am proud to be Your Friend....
And I am SOOOOO Happy for ya!
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