Suspended in FEAR

I'm at work, it's 8:49 and I barely slept..... I can't believe I'm actually crying right now.... I'm hurting myself because my past won't let me go.... When I was at school I had to see a therapist because of my fear of public speaking.... YES! it was THAT serious! I had a panic attack and broke down in front of 2 classrooms.... I almost passed out from the tears and shook so bad they ran up to me with chairs.... I couldn't even move enough to sit..... I was frozen like a deer in head lights. Anyway, Since they MADE me go I figured I would at least be honest. My therapist thought it came from something traumatic in my childhood so that's what we talked about.... Anyway... that experience showed me that my relationships are what they are because I'm always seeking approval; a male to love me unconditionally- As the old story goes.... I was the ultimate daddy's girl and my whole life my dad made a second career of LEAVING me.... always sure to SAY he would be right back but never actually doing it... I went almost my entire high school career without seeing him except for one random day and my graduation day.... same for college and I think I saw him for ALMOST 1/2 of my middle school days.... I felt deserted so I needed something to replace him....

Almost every guy I have dated has cheated on me and I almost always stayed because by my fathers example- I thought ALL men lie and cheat... One guy hit me... a couple used me and spit me out..... I painted a guys house BY MY SELF once! WTF was I thinking?! I was so desperate to PLEASE and KEEP a guy that I lost myself..... I couldn't count the money I have wasted on guys but thousands on one over 5 years and 600 on the last 9 month one is clearly TOO much!

Whoa and I are so right- and that's without me having to MAKE it that way... I don't have to do anything and he doesn't WANT anything from me other than my advise and attention and support.... But I'm so insecure with the fact that the past has always hurt so much- I can't even trust myself.... I am on edge of thinking he is ready to walk away anytime I get upset..... I don't know what to do because I don't think I could take another heart break....

I don't want anyone from my past BACK.... I have let it all go and I feel free without them... They held me back and I need to grow so the limited amount of time I allow them to occupy as FRIENDS is as good as it will ever get. If I ever cared about someone enough to give them a little piece of me I will always care on some level.... I'm just that kind of person... But I wish Whoa would just grab me, shake me and say "ELYSE! I'm not going anywhere! I'm right here and I'm not leaving you!" *sigh* I love my father despite who he is.... but I resent him for crippling me the way he has.... If he was just a different person... I wouldn't be this way....

TRUTH... or... DARE??

So,.... I had an important choice to make.... Something has BEEN on my mind and I'm so tired.... do you have ANY idea how frustrating and tiresome it is to WANT something yet hold yourself back? It's enough to make you wana cry, scream, eat ice cream (when ur LACTOSE).... lol ok seriously..... I have been holding myself back from telling WHOA the TRUTH.... how I feel... and I just couldn't do it anymore... I have wanted to say it for so long.... but I couldn't...

But I had a chance to speak to Mz Brown and I realized.... its about a lot more than compromising yourself and what you feel you want and DESERVE.... it's about finding a PEACE.... someone who will compliment you.... The world is FULL of LOUD THUNDER.... I just need to find my SILENCE.... someone that can keep the PEACE and QUIET when my world is crashing buildings and banging bombs!!

On a serious tip- I don't know where Up is right now.... BUT.... my dad always said "When it gets THAT bad, when there is nothing worse, when you hit rock bottom..... it can only get better"
Thanks Dad.... I think I get it now....